The best jokes (12856 to 12870)

Carl used to practice meditati...

Carl used to practice meditation on an old mat. His wife was not happy about the worn-out mat. One day Carl found the rug missing from its usual place. “Where is it?” he asked her sternly. “It has achieved nirvana,” she retorted.

The judge warned the witness, ...

The judge warned the witness, “Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?” “I do.”
“Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?”
“Sure,” said the witness. “My side will win.”

Taking Faith Healing Too Far

A faith healer asked Moshe how his family was getting along. "They're all fine," Moshe said, "Except my uncle. He's very sick."
"Your uncle is not sick," the faith healer said. "He THINKS he's sick."
Two weeks later, the faith healer ran into Moshe on the street. "How is your uncle getting along?" he asked.
Moshe shrugged, "He THINKS he's dead."

Magic trick

A fellow was siting at a bar drinking when a gorgeous blond came in and sat next to him.

After starting talking and a few drinks together, the fellow says to her: " How about playing the Magician Game ?"

"And what would that be ?"

"We go to my place, have a few drinks, get into bed, have sex and then you......disappear".

There was a little old lady wh...

There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.
So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her.
Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval.
Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that!
Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."
Then she explained to her second son, "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car."
Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious."

Is honesty the best policy?

After two years of marriage, Tom was still questioning his wife about her lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," Tom asked for the thousandth time, "how many men have you been with?"

"Baby, " she protested, "If I told you, you'd throw a fit."

Tom promised he wouldn't get angry, and convinced his wife to tell him.

"Okay," she said, then started to count on her fingers, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen.....”

The mirror...

An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldomsaw many people. One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything.

"Well, my wife ain't home, she's gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got," said the man.

The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn't interested. Then the man spotted a mirror and said, "What's that?"

Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, "My God how'd you get a picture of my Pappy?"

The old man was so happy, he traded his wife's best pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.

The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk. He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the "picture" and eventually the wife got suspicious.

One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn. She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, "so this is the hussy he's been foolin'around with!"

A blonde and a brunette went i...

A blonde and a brunette went into a bar for a drink.  They sat down just as the 6:00 news was being televised in the bar. They were showing a man getting ready to jump off a 20 story building.

The blonde turned to the brunette and said: "I bet you $100 that he doesn't jump."  "I'll take that bet," the brunette replied. At that moment he jumped. The blonde took $100 out of her wallet and handed it to the brunette.

I can't take your money, the brunette replied. "No, I insist. A bet is a bet and I want you to take it." The blonde said. "No, I honestly can not take it because I saw the 5 o'clock news, so I knew he was going to jump."

The blonde replied, "No take the money because I also saw the 5 o'clock news but I didn't think he would jump twice."

Patient: "Nurse, I just swallo...

Patient: "Nurse, I just swallowed my pillow!"
Nurse: "How do you feel?"
Patient: "A little down in the mouth"

Ice Cubes

Q: Why are there no ice cubes in the blonde's freezer?

A: She forgot the recipe.

Getting John to Quit

John was a loyal choir member, but he could not carry a tune. To make things worse, he sang loud and made others sing off key. Without success, the choir director had tried to discourage John from participating in the choir.
The choir director asked the pastor's help in getting John out of the choir. The pastor agreed to try. The pastor tried to find tasks and responsibilities that would interfere with John's attendance at choir rehearsal or keep him out of the choir loft on Sunday morning.
John, however, would not accept any of the tasks or responsibilities, stating that he would not shirk his duties as a loyal choir member.
Finally, the choir director gave the pastor an ultimatum, "Either you find a way to get John out of the choir or I will resign as choir director."
So, with much uneasiness, the pastor called upon John at home one evening and said, "John, I must ask you to drop out of the choir."
John was shocked and asked, "Why would you ask such a thing? We need all the singers we can get."
The pastor replied, "Well, John, people are complaining about your singing."
"How many?" was John's response.
Not wanting to be too harsh and admit that nearly everyone in the congregation had been complaining, the pastor said, "I've received more than a dozen complaints."
"I'm sorry, pastor, that's not enough. I've heard a lot more complaints about your preaching and you haven't quit yet."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member coltwise

Udurawana, coming back from a ...

Udurawana, coming back from a late night movie was attacked by a thief. There was a terrific fight and Udurawana gave a good account for himself. But finally the thief tied him down and went through his pockets.
He found only 25 cents.
The exasperated robber exclaimed "What the hell.
Why were you fighting for only 25 Cents"
Udurawana replied "Oh. You were only after this 25 Cents is it ? I thought you were after the Rs.1,000 I have hidden in my left shoe".

Two Hindu Puns

Two Hindu swamis were in conversation.
One said to the other, "How did you like my latest book, 'The Art of Levitation'?"
His companion replied, "It kept me up all night."