The best jokes (14176 to 14190)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 14176 to 14190. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Putting Out a Fire...by Fire
During an ecumenical assembly, a secretary rushed in shouting, “The building is on fire!”
The Methodists prayed in a corner.
The Baptists wondered where they could find water.
The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.
The Lutherans posted a notice on the door announcing the fire was evil.
The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the cost of the damage.
The Jews posted symbols on the door in hopes the fire would pass.
The Congregationalists shouted, “Every man for himself!”
The Fundamentalists proclaimed, “It’s the vengeance of God!”
The Episcopalians formed a procession and protested.
The Christian Scientists denied that there was a fire.
The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson to form a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.
The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.
From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.
A man died and his wife phoned...
A man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary. She called the obituary department and said, "This is what I want to print: Bernie is dead." The man at the newspaper said, "But for $25 you are allowed to print six words." The woman answered, "OK. Then print: Bernie is dead. Toyota for sale."Hang on to any of the new Stat...
Hang on to any of the new State of Alabama quarters. If you have them; they may be worth much more than 25 cents.The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Alabama quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.
"We are recalling all the new Alabama quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices."
The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide.
"The problem lies in the unique design of the Alabama quarter, which was created by an Auburn University graduate," Shackleford said. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."
Really funny jokes-I am rich
Silver in the Hair
Gold in the Teeth
Crystals in the Kidneys
Sugar in the Blood
Lead in the Arse
Iron in the Arteries
And
An inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.
I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth, now I can buy that gold-plated yacht and the Bentley.
A man walked into a doctor's o...
A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, "I got shingles."She said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you're done, please take a seat."
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the examining room."
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."
The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, "I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles anywhere."
The man replied, "They're outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
A Reasonable Fee
A man phones a lawyer and asks, “How much would you charge for just answering three simple questions?”
The lawyer replies, “A thousand dollars.”
“A thousand dollars!” exclaims the man. “That's very expensive isn't it?”
“It certainly is,” says the lawyer. “Now, what's your third question?”
A man goes to see his doctor. ...
A man goes to see his doctor. The doctor asks what is wrong and the man says, "Doctor, I think I'm a moth." To this the doctor responds, "You think you're a moth? Well I don't think you need a doctor. Sounds like what you need is a therapist." "Yeah I know," replies the patient. "I was on my way to see a therapist, but I came in here because I saw your light was on."A little boy asked the parish priest a question. Little Boy: “Father I heard you once say that we all came from dust.” Parish…
A little boy asked the parish priest a question.
Little Boy: “Father I heard you once say that we all came from dust.”
Parish priest, “That's right I did say that”.
Little boy: “And Father I heard you say that when we die we go back to dust.”
Parish Priest: “That's right, I did say that. I am glad you were listening so very well”.
Little Boy: “Well Father I think you should come to my place and look under my bed because someone is either coming or going”!
Source: CleanJokes4U
Funny jokes-Mongoose in a box
"A mongoose."
"What for?"
"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."
"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."
"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."
Fairy tales...
When Chelsea Clinton was eight, Hillary was reading one of her favorite fairy tales.
"Mommy," asked Chelsea, "Do all fairy tales begin with "Once Upon a Time...?""
"No, dearest," replied Hillary, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight...'"
Compliment Her
There are these two highschool boys at the prom. The first one says to the other.."My dates really hot and wants to go out to my car, but I'm afraid I'll screw it up"
His friend tells him
"Don't worry! Just compliment her. Girls love compliments."
He says ok and leaves. About 15 minutes later he returns rubbing a black eye.
"What happened! Didn't you say nice things to her?"
"Yea, I did, but it didn't work."
"What did you say?"
"When we first got in the car, we started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, they sure were sweet. She liked that. Then I started feeling her tits. I told her that for such large breasts, they sure were firm. She really liked that.
Things were going really good then. I got her skirt up and panties off and told her, for such a large crack, it sure didn't stink much. Then she hit me!"
When it comes to constipation,...
When it comes to constipation, I've been a colonic underachiever.Funny jokes-Very cold
An old woman says to her friend: “You know, last night I was shivering all over from cold.”Her friend: “Do you remember if your teeth chattered?”
The old woman: “I don't think so. We haven't slept together for ages.”
The boss was concerned that hi...
The boss was concerned that his employees werent giving him enough respect, so he tried an old fashioned method of persuasion: He brought in a sign that said, Im the Boss and taped it to his door.After lunch, he noticed someone had taped another note under his. Your wife called. She wants her sign back!
Really funny jokes-Trip extension
The next day, the agent calls again to inform now he can book them on 10-day cruise. He guy gives his confirmation and goes back to the drug store to buy three more medicines for motion sickness and three more condoms.
Two days later, the travel agent calls once again to inform that he has a 15-day cruise available now & whether the guy would be interested in taking it. The guy again says he is ok with it & goes back to the drug store to buy five more medicines for motion sickness and 5 more condoms.
Finally, the attendant at the drug store asks him, "Man, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"
