The best jokes (14221 to 14235)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 14221 to 14235. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Some new vocabulary
arachnoleptic fit, noun:
The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug, noun:
Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.
bozone, noun:
The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down at any time in the future.
cashtration, noun:
The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
caterpallor, noun:
The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
dopelar effect, noun:
(1) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.
(2) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
extraterrestaurant, noun:
An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented on. Also known as ETry.
foreploy, noun:
Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.
Grantartica, noun:
The cold, isolated place where arts companies without funding dwell.
intaxication, noun:
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
kinstirpation, noun:
A painful inability to get rid of relatives who come to visit.
lullabuoy, noun:
An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.
When the college dormitory tam...
When the college dormitory tampon machine broke, they declared a coed red.Neal Brennan: Boob Pictures
Girls will send me pictures with their boobs sometimes and its the best. Its the best. That never happens to my married guy friends. I shouldnt say it never happens. My married guy friends, their wives will send them pictures of their boobs, but its always with a note that says like, I think my rash is back.Paul F. Tompkins: Name in Print
I do not understand why people write letters to magazines. It accomplishes nothing; its pointless. [If] you want to see your name in print that bad, write on a piece of paper and look at it: Ah, there it is. Just as I always dreamed. At a party, the hostess served...
At a party, the hostess served a politician a cup of punch and told him it was spiked. Next, she served some to a minister. "I would rather commit adultery than allow liquor to pass my lips," he proclaimed.Overhearing this, the politician poured his punch back and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."
Will Of Americans
Tired of his low approval ratings, President Clinton called up the head of the CIA and said, "I want your very best agent over here first thing in the morning."
Moments later, a call went out to the Middle East, and the most gifted American agent was headed back to Washington.
The next morning, the agent was escorted into the Oval Office. The President said, "I hear you're the best in the business. I can't trust what my staff tells me.
So I want you to visit every state in the union, every major city. I want you to stay out on the road until you have an idea of what the vast majority of Americans would like to see happen in the Oval Office. Understand?"
The CIA agent responded affirmatively. He left the White House and wasn't heard from for nearly four months. Finally, he showed up early on a Saturday morning, and the President saw him immediately.
The President said, "Did you find out what an overwhelming majority of Americans want done here in this office?"
"Yes, sir."
"Well, then, express the will of the people," Clinton ordered.
So the agent stood up, pulled out a gun, and shot him.
You Might Be A Redneck If 19
You might be a redneck if...
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
Craig Ferguson: Talking About Sex in Scotland
Nobody talks about sex in Scotland. Scottish gynecologists dont even talk about sex. Its just like: Get up on the table there, Mrs. Henderson. Lift up your skirt. Well take a look at your magic baby door.New Drugs for Men
With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing fortha whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the
performance of men in today's society.
DIRECTRA - A dose of this drug given to men
before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to
stop and ask for directions when they got
lost, compared to a control group where only 0.2
percent asked for directions.
PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug
were far more likely to actually finish a household repair
project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a
sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child-care
tasks-especially cleaning up spills and little accidents.
COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of
middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their
wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if
its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a
sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts
after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen:
whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than
your favorites store's return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra.
Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S.
presidents.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making
men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse
with other family members.
CAPAGRA - Caused test subjects to become
uncharacteristically fastidious about lowering toilet seats
and replacing toothpaste caps. Subjects on higher doses were
seen dusting furniture.
PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave
men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the
personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose
turned three test
subjects into special prosecutors.
LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when
they are asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available
in Regular, Grand Jury
and Presidential Strength versions.
Short Snow Jokes
What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy?She gave him the cold shoulder!
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
What's an ig?
An eskimo's home without a loo!
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!
Where do snowmen go to dance?
Snowballs!
How do snowmen travel around ?
By iceicle !
What sort of ball doesn't bounce ?
A snowball !
How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed ?
You wake up wet !
What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark ?
Frost bite !
How do you call an Eskimo cow ?
An Eskimoo !
Don't steal, the Government ha...
Don't steal, the Government hates competition!John Pinette: Ice Skating
Ice skating is now on my list of things in life I never care if I do again. Its like an anti-bucket list -- it rhymes with bucket, I can tell you that much.Chemical formula for Ice
Teacher: What is the chemical formula for Water?Little Johnny: It's H2O
Teacher: Good! Can you tell me the chemical formula for ice?
Little Johnny: It's H2O cubed.
