The best jokes (14221 to 14235)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 14221 to 14235. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Half Off These Tickets
USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
Strange New Battles
Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.
"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."
"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.
The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'."
The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom, "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead.
More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him.
"Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming. "Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use.
The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, "Tankety Tank Tank."
Daniel Tosh: Airport Phone Fun
So when I get a phone call at the airport, Ill admit it, I like to have a little fun. Go ahead. Gate 47 is completely clear. People notice in a hurry. Honey, something is going on. That guy has a wire hanging down, maybe we shouldnt be standing right here. Stand down, blue team! Stand down, blue team! Honey, there is a sting going down at the airport. I am not feeling safe. Please, lets move. Stand down, down blue team! Dont -- hold on, the subjects approaching. Hes in a business suit with a briefcase. I repeat, the briefcase is in his hand. And I find some random businessman. I run, and I just beat the crap out of him. And everybody starts clapping, Thank you for making our airways safe. And then I go get on my plane, and that guy just has a weird story to tell for the rest of his life. Paul F. Tompkins: Letter to the Editor
What I dont understand is when people write letters to magazines to say how much they agreed with a particular review or how much they enjoyed a particular article, you know what I mean?... You might as well write a letter to your grocery store. Dear grocery store: thanks for putting your eggs in a carton. It makes them a lot easier to get them home.Answering Machine Message 28
Rod Serling imitation: You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".
Tig: Going on a Binge
I went on a hard core drinking and smoking binge, and it lasted right about nine months. And then, as soon as I was born, I was like, Whew! Do not go in there.Substitute at the Pearly Gates
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
Victor Varnado: Black Albino, Ladies
Thats right -- Im a black albino, ladies. You know what Im talking about: all the benefits of being black, without the disappointing looks from your parents.News headlines 04
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Air Head Fired
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Deer Kill 17,000
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
War Dims Hope for Peace
Chuck Norris recently added "m...
Chuck Norris recently added "moose" to his list of "animals that tried to fight me and lost."From Yuppie Businessman to redneck in 35 Easy Steps
Are you a wealthy and successful suit-and-tie yuppie businessman who has always had a secret dream that you would one day become a redneck?Have you always wanted to be a Bubba, but didn't know how?
Is there an inner Cletus inside that dapper and dignified image, just hollerin' to get out?
Well, now, Mister Corporate High-flyer, YOU can become the redneck you have always wanted to be!
Purchase the following: one pair of overalls, one pack of chewing tobacco and six cases of beer. That is all you will need to start!
Now follow the 35 SIMPLE and EASY guidelines in our manual!
Caution: These instructions MUST be followed in your BUSINESS OFFICE during WORKING HOURS.
1) We assume you are a dignified, well-groomed yuppie executive; therefore, as you read this, it is also assumed you are wearing a pair of well-polished $800 Brooks Brothers black captoe leather shoes and silk business socks, a $2,000 pinstriped Armani business suit tailored for you, a $150 silk necktie with matching pocket square and suspenders, a starched white shirt, monogrammed cufflinks, silver tiepin and a Rolex. If you are not dressed like this, stop NOW and continue when you are.
FIRST, untie and remove high-and-mighty mirror-shined executive shoes. Peel off fancy socks.
DO THIS NOW! This is NOT optional!
Be warned: these shoes and socks have been vital to your identity until now, so do not deceive yourself; this will be a challenge to a true yuppie executive. They MUST be removed to move forward into the wonderful new world that awaits you.
(Note: This will also work with Johnston & Murphy wingtips or those Italian loafers with those little tassels on them.)
2) Stuff silk socks in shiny shoes and drop in garbage can.
3) *URGENT* Do not, under any circumstances, put shoes back on. You MUST remain barefoot. If you fail, return to step one. This will take discipline! This is where most would-be bubbas fail! You will be tempted to put them back on - resist this!
If you have trouble, don't hesitate to call our 800 emergency number. A bona fide trained Bubba coach will help you.
4) The following is guaranteed to help bring you off your high horse in a hurry, and into the redneck world! Trust us!
Prop bare feet on polished office desk, with soles facing open office door. Do NOT remove feet from desk, even when co-workers, clients and/or boss enter office.
5) Remove cufflinks and scratch soles of feet with them when others enter office and during office conference. Put cufflinks back on.
6) Use necktie to wipe nose.
7) Use tiepin and/or collar stud to clean toenails. Put tiepin or collar stud back in tie or shirt.
Eat lunch with knife only. Wipe dirty knife on otherwise spotless business suit.
9) Reach under suit trouser leg and scratch. Scratch under arms.
10) Open can of beer. Drink rapidly and belch loudly. Practice! Dribble on business suit. Discarded business socks may be used to wipe mouth. Repeat. Pile cans on expensive office carpet.
11) Shout with laughter for no reason.
Note: Do NOT be concerned if you experience concern about your dignity. Your dignity will soon disappear! Do not worry!
12) Place tobacco in mouth; place in back of cheek. Practice spitting streams of tobacco juice on to computer screen, or on polished office floor, or on important presentation, or in the cuffs of the trousers of your pinstriped suit. Brooks Brothers shoes may also serve as spittoon.
Note: This is the ONLY time when you may retrieve shoes from garbage! See Step #3.
13) Untie and remove natty silk necktie, unfasten and remove gold monogrammed cufflinks, pluck pocket square from suit, unfasten tiepin, unbutton and pull out suspenders and slide Rolex off wrist. Drop ALL items in garbage can.
14) Strip off classy, expensive tailored Armani business suit, starched shirt and designer underwear. Toss in garbage can.
Note: Removal of business suit can be traumatic for an uppity upper class businessman. It is comparable to an operation. Be prepared for shock to system.
15) Add briefcase, cell phone and day-timer.
16) Cut up credit cards and throw away wallet.
17) Cut up Ivy League degree.
18) Put on overalls. Walk around in hem to get used to your new look.
19) Practice poor posture and sluggish walk.
20) Cancel subscriptions to Wall Street Journal and New York Times. Have cable disconnected.
21) If you have not already been fired, quit high-paying prestigious white-collar job and stop working altogether.
Alternative: become a garbage man or janitor or sling hash in a diner.
22) Make appointment with dentist. Have front teeth removed.
23) Make appointment with surgeon. Have all hair on top of head removed through electrolysis. Let hair grow on sides and back.
24) Shave ONLY twice a week. Be careful to leave stubble at all times.
25) Bathe ONLY twice a week.
26) Begin intensive redneck language course. Do not use more than five words in a sentence. Drop all "NG" endings from words - "havin" instead of "having". Learn to yelp and whoop and holler.
27) Sell Porsche.
28) Buy used pickup.
29) Sell condo.
30) Buy dilapidated shack in backwoods and shotgun rack.
31) Give or throw away all remaining clothes: business suits, ties, shoes, socks, shirts, and accessories, including Burberry tuxedo, overcoat and patent leather pumps worn to corporate black tie events. NOTHING can be retained.
32) Sell stocks and bonds and give all proceeds from these and sale of car and home to a redneck charity. You will NOT need money.
33) Watch NASCAR and pro-wrestling every day. Do NOT miss any episodes.
34) Find wrecked car and leave in front of shack.
35) Have name changed legally from "Mark" or "Andrew" or "Kevin" to "Cletus" or "Bubba" or "Jed".
Congratulations! You, Sir, are now the Redneck you have dreamed of becoming!
Satisfaction Guaranteed! And no one will ever call you "sir" again!
The flood of Trump-fearing Ame
The flood of Trump-fearing American liberals sneaking across theborder into Canada has intensified beginning early yesterday morning.Trump’s victory is prompting an exodus among left-leaning Americans
who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, pay taxes, and live according to the Constitution.
Canadian border residents say it's not uncommon to see dozens ofsociology professors, liberal arts majors, global-warming activists,and "green" energy proponents crossing their fields at night.
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywoodproducer huddled in the barn," said southern Manitoba farmer RedGreenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. "He was cold,exhausted and hungry, and begged me for a latte and some free-rangechicken.
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higherfences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakersthat blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just stuck theirfingers in their ears and kept coming. Officials are particularlyconcerned about smugglers who meet liberals just south of the border,pack them into electric cars, and drive them across the border, wherethey are simply left to fend for themselves after the battery dies.
"A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," anAlberta border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a singlebottle of Perrier water, or any gemelli with shrimp and arugula. Allthey had was a little Napa Valley cabernet and some kale chips.When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, oftenwailing that they fear persecution from Trump high-hairers.
Rumors are circulating about plans being made to build re-educationcamps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer, study theConstitution, and find jobs that actually contribute to the economy.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants arecreating an organic-broccoli shortage, are buying up all the BarbaraStreisand CD's, and are overloading the internet while downloadingjazzercise apps to their cell phones.
"I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economyjust can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "After all, howmany art-history majors does one country need?"
