The best jokes (14371 to 14385)

Umbrella

A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in summer camp. He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella.
The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?"
The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?

A blonde, worried about the HI

A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis, walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.
"That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk.
"What's the 8 cents for?" asks the blonde. "It says one dollar right here on the packaging."
"Tax," replies the clerk.
"Gee," says the blonde, "I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put."

“I invented some new

“I invented some new cookware but the critics panned it.”

“A kidney is a young

“A kidney is a young goat's leg joint.”

“I recently took a po

“I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.”

“I dropped a potato i

“I dropped a potato into my paper shredder, and that really made a hash of things.”

 Helping Out The Knight

Sir Edgbert, knight of the realm, was hurrying home on a cold, dark, wet night when, suddenly, his horse suffered a major coronary and died on the spot. All Sir Edgbert could do was collect up what belongings he could and tramp onwards.
After staggering for a spell, he decides that he must get alternative transport. Accordingly, he heads for the nearest building which, as luck would have it, is a small farm. He strides up to the door, bangs on it and shouts 'A horse! A horse!. I must have a horse!".
The door opens to reveal a young girl. She looks at Sir Edgbert and says, "Your pardon, good night but my father and brothers are returning from the village on the other side of the forest and will not be back before noon tomorrow. They are riding all our horses".
Sir Edgbert is saddened by this and says "But I must return home immediately. Have you any idea where I may accuire alternative transportation?".
The young girl says "I know of no other horses hereabouts, but sometimes my brothers ride our Great Dane dog when the need arises. Would use of that help?"
Sir Edgbert is desperate and says "If I must, I must. Show me the animal". The young girl leads the way around to the back of the farmhouse to a stable. She dissapears inside and returns leading and enormous dogs which is quite of a size for riding. Unfortunately, the dog has seen better days. It's coat is threadbare, it's legs are spindly and it seems to be breathing labouriously.
Sir Edgbert looks at the young girl and says, "Surely, you wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this?"

“When he found out he

“When he found out he was just imitation butter he feared he would one day be living in the margarine of society.”

“My friend was runnin

“My friend was running with cheese yesterday, but I told him to stop because it was sharp.”

I'm A Talking Tree

Upon arrival, the lumberjack started to swing at the tree, when the tree suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned and said, “And you will dialogue!”

Valentine's day in cinema

It was Valentine's day and Jim and Danielle's first date. They sat in the darkened cinema waiting for the film to start. The screen finally lit up with a flashy advertisement for the cinema's concession stand. Jim and Danielle realized that there was no sound. The film began but the silence continued.
Suddenly, out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd loudly shouted, "Okay, who's got the remote control?"

How does a sundial work?

Son: “Hey Dad, how does a sundial work?”

Dad hands son a phone…

“Ok, now just call someone.”

Son: “Why can’t you do it?”

Dad: “Because that would be a DADdial.”

“Charles, the future

“Charles, the future king of England, has released a book of images of cetaceans. It is called 'The Prints of Whales'.”

“Do Haematologists ha

“Do Haematologists have blood relationship with their patients?.”

Half man and half horse

“Being half man and half horse, he enjoyed being the centaur of attention.”