The best jokes (14506 to 14520)

If you need someone to park yo...

If you need someone to park your bicycle, look for a man with a handle bar must-stash.

Without A Christmas Bonus

Ten signs you're not getting a christmas bonus
10. Co-workers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future"
9. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial
8. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips

7. What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply closet"
6. Boss's Christmas card says, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out"
5. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants
4. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under an avalanche of stolen office supplies
3. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw
2. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word "terrible" appeared 78 times
1. You're the starting quarterback for the New York Jets

I made my son do sit-ups. He c...

I made my son do sit-ups. He claimed it was child ab use.

You know you're really drunk i...

You know you're really drunk if you can't lie on the floor without holding on.

Redneck Marriage

How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.

Getting Saved

A father asked his little boy if he knew how a person gets saved.
“We’ll be saved by going to our church every Sunday,” the boy said without hesitation.
His father explained that going to their church each week would not save them.
“Well, then, we better find another church!” replied the boy.
From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.

Tilt Steering

Why do Blondes like tilt steering?

Because theres more head room.

Morgan Murphy: Discovering Irony

I knew that I wanted to do comedy when I discovered irony. For those of you who dont know, I actually discovered irony when I was seven, which is when my mom started beating me with my own trophies.

Yo Mama... Christmas Corner

Yo mama is so stupid, I told her Christmas was right around the corner - so she went looking for it.

When Can I Get That Haircut?

A shady-looking guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks, How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looks around the shop and says, About two hours. The guy smiles and leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop.
Bill, where did he go when he left here?
To your house.

Edward VIII's crown was throne away.

#joke #short

Marriage Rules

Typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

Seen this?

I had trouble with the idea of turning 50 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead and asked my husband, “Oh no, have you seen this?”

“What?” he asked. “The wrinkles?”

Gas Can

A nun was in a hurry on her way to her job at the local Catholic Charity Hospital when her car suddenly runs out of gas. Luckily, she was only a block and a half from a gas station, so she got out of her car and quickly walked there.
At the station, she asked the attendent to give her a quart of gasoline so that she could start her car and drive it over to fill it up. The attendent told her that he only had one gas can, and he just loaned it to someone else.
She told the attendent that she was in a hurry and would look in her car to find something to hold the gas. When she got back the the car, the only suitable container she found was a bedpan, which looked like it could easily hold a quart of gas.
She brought the bedpan to the station and the attendent filled it with gas. The nun got back to her car and started to pour the gas from the bedpan into her car.
Just as she started pouring, two men walked by. One of the men said to the other "If that car starts, I'm converting to catholicism forever!"

Bad Math...

Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him,

"What is three times seven?"

"22," Rick replied.

After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."