The best jokes (14506 to 14520)

Who sets our nutrition policie...

Who sets our nutrition policies? Is it the feds?

This farmer had a wife who nag...

This farmer had a wife who nagged him all the time. One day while he was outside plowing the field, she came out and started nagging him. While she was doing this, the mule kicked her and she died. At the funeral, the ladies came up and talked to the farmer. The farmer nodded his head "yes". The men came up and talked to him and the farmer nodded his head "no”. Well this other man wondered why he nodded his head "yes" to the ladies and "no" to the men. Then, he went up to the farmer and asked him why. The farmer replied,” Well, when the ladies came up, they told me how pretty my wife's dress was and how pretty she looked. When the men came up, they asked,’ That mule for sale?'

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

Where am I going and why am I in this handbasket?

Lawyers vacation

For six years, the young attorney had worked incredibly long hours in his quest to make partner, and had taken only brief respites at a nearby country inn.

During his last, brief visit, he had a moment of passion with the innkeeper's daughter.

Having done little but stare at the walls of his office since then, he looked forward to his next trip to the inn, in the hope that they could pick up where they left off.

Finally, he had another chance to take a couple of days off.

Excited, he hauled his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.

There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Why didn't you call me when you learned you were pregnant?" he asked.

"You know I would have have done the right thing, we could have been married. I would be a good provider."

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Yisman

Bush and Moses...

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long, flowing, white robe with a long, flowing, white beard and flowing, white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes, I am."

George W. asked him why he was so uppity, and Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert."

Empire State Building Fall

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way that could happen."

"No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.

Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hey," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors ...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, sometimes you can be a real jerk."

A punster's preferred me...

A punster's preferred medium is wrought irony.

Man: Is this seat empty?
...

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Two molecules are walking down...

Two molecules are walking down the street; one bumps into the other and says:
"Oh, my fault, you okay?”
The Second Molecule says: "No, I'm not ok, I've lost an electron!" So the first molecule says: "Are you sure" the second molecule answers, "I'm positive!"

 Investigators at a major rese...

 Investigators at a major research institute have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Administratium (Ad).
 The new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, for an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert.
 However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it came into contact.
 According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, viceneutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion
 leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass".

Economy jokes-Harvest crunch

Four people are on an airplane...

Four people are on an airplane, the pilot, the smartest man in the world, the richest man in the world, and a punk teenager.

The airplane experiences some difficulties, and the pilot informs the three passengers that the plane is going to crash and there are only three parachutes on the plane.

The richest man in the world takes one, because he says that his lawyers will sue everyone else on the plane if he doesn't survive.

The smartest man in the world takes a parachute, because he thinks that the world would be a worse place without him.

The pilot says to the punk "There's only one parachute left, I'll fight you for it."

"That won't be necessary," said the punk.
"The smartest man in the world took my backpack."

The old man approached a young...

The old man approached a young stranger in the post office and asked, "Sir, would you address this postcard for me?"

The man gladly did so, and then offered to write a short note for the old fellow.

Finally the stranger asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?"

The old man thought a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you add, Please excuse the sloppy handwriting."

Five Amusing Shop Signs

1.Outside a dress shop, Hong Kong: LADIES HAVE FITS UPSTAIRS.

2.Tailor shop, Greece: ORDER YOUR SUMMERS SUIT. BECAUSE IS BIG RUSH, WE WILL EXECUTE CUSTOMERS IN STRICT ROTATION.

3.On the door of a Moscow hotel room: IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.

4.At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS.
IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

5.Shipton-under-Wychwood in Oxon, UK has a local plumber whose van announces: ‘The Lone Drainer – he come pronto.'

Source: Will and Guy's Funny Clean Jokes

A school teacher injured his b...

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that term.