The best jokes (1471 to 1485)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 1471 to 1485. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Three ladies were discussing t
Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, "Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
The Bad Knife Thrower
Little Johnny: That knife-throwing act was terrible. I want my money back.
Carnival Owner: What was the matter with it?
Little Johnny: Call that a knife thrower? He got ten chances and he didn’t even hit that girl once!
A woman was watching her husba
A woman was watching her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that is going to help."
"Sure it will," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers..."
The Whole Truth
The judge wanted to make sure the witness understood the solemnity of the occasion.
"Do you know what the word 'oath' means?" asks the judge.
"Sure do," says the witness. "Oath means if I swear to a lie, I gotta stick with it."
Clever Toddlers
Two students were talking about their childhood.
"I was a very clever toddler. By the time I was ten months old, I could already walk."
"You call that clever?" the other said. "I managed to trick my parents into carrying me until I was three!"
"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
Mo
"COMPETITIVE SALARY"Most of our competitors don't pay much either.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
You'll be here very late, very often -- might as well be comfortable.
"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
Your first four projects are already way overdue.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Did we mention that you'll be here very late, very often? And most weekends.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED"
Female applicants must be childless.
"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly, that position has already been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
This job listing is just a legal formality. The position was filled by some executive's nephew.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
Due to consolidation, you'll be replacing three people.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
This company is a total mess.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have all the responsibilities of upper management, without the pay, title or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Listen to management, figure out what they want, don't ask too many questions and get the sh*t done.
Car Just Broke Down
A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.
Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.
Nun: I think that would be okay.
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold.
Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket.
Smart Student... I Think
Teacher: “What is the difference between ‘Tea’ and ‘Tee’?
Student: "The first one is a drink and the second is an incorrect spelling."
Can't Change Its Colors
What is it called when a chameleon can't change its colors anymore?
A reptile dysfunction.
Two rednecks decided that they
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" said the redneck.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
The redneck was catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.
"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"You're queer, ain't ya?"
Shopping For Goods
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.
"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired.
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
Asking Siri
I asked my phone, "Siri, why am I so bad with women?"
She said, "I'm Alexa you moron."
22 Latest Christmas cracker jokes
What do you call an old snowman?
A: Water
Q: What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A: A Christmas Quacker!
Q: What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?
A: Lost
Q: Why is the government like ancient Bethlehem?
A: It takes a miracle to find three wise men there.
Q: Why has Santa been banned from sooty chimneys?
A: Carbon footprints
Q: Which of Santa's reindeer has the best moves?
A: Dancer!
Q: What do you get if you put a bell on a skunk?
A: Jingle smells
Q: Why did nobody bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?
A: They were two deer.
Q: What athlete is warmest in winter?
A: A long jumper!
Q: What happens to elves when they are naughty?
A: Santa gives them the sack!
Q: What do you call a deer who can’t see?
A: No eye-deer!
Q: What is the best Christmas present?
A: A broken drum, you can't beat it!
Q: How does Christmas Day end?
A: With the letter Y!
Q: What do you call Father Christmas on the beach?
A: Sandy Claus!
Q: Who delivers presents to cats?
A: Santa Paws!
Q: What says Oh Oh Oh?
A: Santa walking backwards!
Q: Why can’t Christmas trees knit?
A: Because they always drop their needles!
Q:How does Darth Vader enjoy his Christmas Turkey?
A: On the dark side!
Q: What goes Ho Ho Whoosh, Ho Ho Whoosh?
A: Santa going through a revolving door!
Q: What did the sea Say to Santa?
A: Nothing! It just waved!
Q: What do you call a dog who works for Santa?
A: Santa Paws!
Q: What do you get if Santa forgets to wear his undercrackers?
A: St Nickerless
