The best jokes (1471 to 1485)

Death at Jerusalem

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

A New Teller

First man: "I hear the First National Bank is looking for a new teller."
Second man: "I thought they just hired a new teller last week."
First man: "Right, that's the one they're looking for."

The new employee stood before

The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary asked.
"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"

17 Thanksgiving jokes and quotes

My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes, but I told them I couldn't just quit "cold turkey."

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Norma Lee.
Norma Lee who?
Norma Lee I don't eat this much!

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She turned to the stock boy and asked, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" "No, ma'am," he replied. "They're dead."

What is a turkey’s favorite dessert? - Peach gobbler!

Mom wants you to help us fix Thanksgiving dinner.
Dad: Why? Is it broken?

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Tamara.
Tamara who? Tamara we'll have turkey leftovers!

Why did the cranberries turn red?
Because they saw the turkey dressing!

Why do pilgrims’ pants always fall down?
Because they wear their belt buckles on their hats!

What did the turkey say to the computer?
“Google, google, google.”

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.

A new survey found that 80% of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense, when you hear they consider saying 'that smells good' to be helping.
Jimmy Fallon

Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?
The turkey because it’s already stuffed!

Why did the turkey cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn't chicken.

"What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?"
"If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!"

What do you call a turkey on the day after Thanksgiving?
Lucky.

If Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be known for?
Their age!

What did the hipster say the day after Thanksgiving?
A: I liked the leftovers before they were cool.

10 funny one-liners from North West comedians

"I think animal testing is a terrible idea - they get all nervous and give the wrong answers." - Peter Kay

"A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals." - Peter Kay

"So this bloke says to me, 'Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?' I thought, "'That's all I need - a Je-hoover's witness.'" - Peter Kay

"So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, I thought, 'That's a turtle disaster.'- Peter Kay

"We've had to get a live-in nanny, 'cos that dead one wasn't working out." - Lee Mack

"I’m in a relationship at the moment. Sorry girls... it’s going to have to be your place." - Lee Mack

"I went to see a handwriting expert last week, she could tell I was laid-back, gullible and well-off just from a signature on a cheque." - Lee Mack

"I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it." - Ken Dodd

"My Dad always knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby he said, 'Is this a joke?'" - Ken Dodd

"Five out of every three people have trouble understanding fractions." - Ken Dodd

One day a man walks into a den

One day a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.
"Eighty pounds," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to £60."
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anaesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging £20."
"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just £10."
"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

Three ladies were discussing t

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, "Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

The Bad Knife Thrower

Little Johnny: That knife-throwing act was terrible. I want my money back.
Carnival Owner: What was the matter with it?
Little Johnny: Call that a knife thrower? He got ten chances and he didn’t even hit that girl once!

A woman was watching her husba

A woman was watching her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.
Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that is going to help."
"Sure it will," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers..."

The Whole Truth

The judge wanted to make sure the witness understood the solemnity of the occasion.
"Do you know what the word 'oath' means?" asks the judge.
"Sure do," says the witness. "Oath means if I swear to a lie, I gotta stick with it."

Clever Toddlers

Two students were talking about their childhood.
"I was a very clever toddler. By the time I was ten months old, I could already walk."
"You call that clever?" the other said. "I managed to trick my parents into carrying me until I was three!"

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
Mo

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
Most of our competitors don't pay much either.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
You'll be here very late, very often -- might as well be comfortable.
"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
Your first four projects are already way overdue.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Did we mention that you'll be here very late, very often? And most weekends.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED"
Female applicants must be childless.
"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly, that position has already been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
This job listing is just a legal formality. The position was filled by some executive's nephew.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
Due to consolidation, you'll be replacing three people.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
This company is a total mess.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have all the responsibilities of upper management, without the pay, title or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Listen to management, figure out what they want, don't ask too many questions and get the sh*t done.

 Car Just Broke Down

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.
Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.
Nun: I think that would be okay.
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold.
Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket.

A Lions Heart

My grandfather has the heart of a lion...
... and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Smart Student... I Think

Teacher: “What is the difference between ‘Tea’ and ‘Tee’?
Student: "The first one is a drink and the second is an incorrect spelling."