The best jokes (14866 to 14880)

Got Milk?

A man walks into a T-Shirt store and on the walls there

where three t-shirts on display for sale.

The first row had the picture of Richard Nixon with a thin

white mustache and below the picture it was titled: GOT MILK

The second row of shirts were the picture of Ronald Reagan

with the white mustache and it was titled: FORGOT MILK

And the third was of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache

and under her it was titled: NOT MILK

An Antartian named Babbette fi...

An Antartian named Babbette finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Babbette again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Babbette still has no luck.
Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Babbette is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Babbette, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

Matt Braunger: Cadbury Creme Eggs

Those things are fucking disgusting. Thats the worst thing you can have in your mouth besides a hobos thumb. Its so gross. I dont know how that got pitched.... Its a chocolate egg, theres something inside it. Alright, awesome, Chad, whats inside it? Chocolate, butterscotch, peanut butter? Nah, none of that shit. Its a sugary yolk, yeah, like a sweet, raw egg yolk, like an undeveloped chicken fetus inside an egg.

Maine Crazy Law

Shotguns are required to be taken to church in the event of a Native American attack.

You may not step out of a plane in flight.

After January 14th you will be charged a fine for having your Christmas decorations still up.

Augusta

To stroll down the street playing a violin is against the law.

Portland

Shoelaces must be tied while walking down the street.

#joke #christmas

David Alan Grier: Old Fashioned Terrorism

When I was a kid, a terrorist act -- that was like when someone would take a dump in the swimming pool at the YMCA during summer camp. That was a terrorist act. That was the most evil thing you could do.

Funny jokes-Different destinations

River of God

A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With

great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the

world, I'd take it and

pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the

wine in the

world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in

the world, I'd

take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he

then sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a

smile, "For our

closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the

River'."

Great hearing

Duane rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he is there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Duane smiles at the young lady and she strikes up a conversation with him.

As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing on underneath. Poor Duane breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says,

'Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming...'

He goes with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Being completely nude, she purrs at him,

'What would you say is my best feature?'

The flustered, embarrassed Duane stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out,

'Oh, it's got to be your ears!'

She's astounded.

'Why my ears? Look at these breasts!

They are full, don't sag, and they're 100 percent natural. My buns - they are firm and do not sag, and have no cellulite. Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars. Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?'

Clearing his throat once again, Duane stammers,

'Outside when you said you heard someone coming? That was me.'

Chuck Norris has two speeds. W...

Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk and Kill.

Ol' Fred had been a faithful C...

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital,
near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.

As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition
appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something
to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and
Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then
suddenly died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that
time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that
he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred
died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before
he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure
there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Please step to your left -- you're
standing on my oxygen tube!"

Good answer!

Actual answers given by contestants on the game show The Family Feud:

Name something that floats in the bath - Water

Name something a blind person might use - A sword

Name a song with 'moon' in the title - Blue Suede Moon

Something you do before going to bed - Sleep

Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters

A sign of the zodiac - April

Something slippery - A con man

A part of the body beginning with the letter 'N' - Knee

Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate

“The concert violinis...

“The concert violinist believed in exercise, consequently, he was fit as a fiddle.”

Which one?

Three blondes are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones.

One is sucking hers, one is biting hers, one is licking hers.

Which one is married?

The one with the wedding ring.

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis

Pukeing drunk

Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what's wrong.

"I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me."

The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned."

"Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1.

When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is. The drunk starts spinning the lie and says " look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket."

His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars.

"Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you ten for puking on you," says the wife.

"He did," says the drunk.

"But he shit in my pants too."

Jon Dore: Predict the Words

I dont like cell phones. Im never sending another text message as long as I live because I dont like a phone that tries to predict the words Im trying to send to people. Cause I move quickly. Last week I ended up sending a text that read, Hey baby, I had a great night. I hope you have a home day. But I meant to text, You should get tested.