53 classic hilarious short jokes
I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.
Then it dawned on me.
I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh.
No pun in 10 did.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I’ve decided to sell my Hoover –
it was just collecting dust.
Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.
He’s now a seasoned veteran.
I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said “Thanks!” I said “Don’t mention it.”
Why do we tell actors to ‘break a leg?’
Because every play has a cast.
I hate Russian dolls…
so full of themselves!
My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange?”
I said: “No it doesn’t!”
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
“We don’t serve your type!” shouts the barman.
I’m addicted to brake fluid, but
I can stop whenever I want.
What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.
I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says:
“Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?”
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles.
For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.
This is my step ladder.
I never knew my real ladder.
This is your captain speaking,
AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.
My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.
I said “40”.
Hear about the new restaurant called ‘Karma’?
There’s no menu, you only get what you deserve.
I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It’s shift work.
What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He needed a little space.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, “Weeoouhh.”
The next whale says, “Shut up, Steve. You’re drunk.”
Why did the chicken go to the séance?
To get to the other side.
What’s E.T. short for?
He’s only got little legs.
Where are average things manufactured?
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one.
He’s never gonna give you Up.
My granddad has the heart of a lion and
a lifetime ban from London Zoo.
I went on a once in a lifetime holiday.
What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
It takes a lot of balls to golf like me.
What does a nosy pepper do?
Gets jalapeño business!
There’s no “I” in Denial.
Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things literally.
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the telly.
A man tells his doctor, “Help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I’m not following you.”
Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line.
I used to be addicted to soap, but
I’m clean now.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? Then it hit me.
Why makes this Joke funny?
- Helvetica and Times New Roman ...
- Explanation: This joke plays on the word "type." In this context, "type" can refer to both a category of things and also typography or font types. Helvetica and Times New Roman are names of fonts, so the barman is making a pun about not serving their "type" of fonts.
- How do you get two whales ...
- Explanation: This joke plays on geographical knowledge. If you start in England and drive west, you`ll eventually hit Wales (a country in the United Kingdom), which sounds like "whales."
- Hear about the new restaurant called ‘Karma’? ...
- Explanation: "Karma" is a concept where good or bad actions come back to you, often described as "what goes around, comes around." The joke suggests that at a restaurant called `Karma,` you wouldn`t choose your food but would be served based on your past actions.
- What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
- Explanation: The joke itself is an example of bad timing. Typically, one might expect an answer like "The difference is in the timing." But the punchline is delivered abruptly, demonstrating the joke`s point about the importance of timing.
- Did you hear about the claustrophobic ...
- Explanation: This joke plays on the term "space." An astronaut works in outer space, and "needing space" is a term people use when they need alone time or distance from others. "Claustrophobic" refers to someone afraid of confined spaces, making the punchline a play on words.
- Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie ...
- Explanation: This joke references Rick Astley`s song "Never Gonna Give You Up" and the Pixar movie "Up." It`s a pun combining the title of the song and the name of the movie.
- I went on a once in a lifetime holiday ...
- Explanation: The humor is in the redundancy. "Once in a lifetime" implies that it`s a unique experience that won`t be repeated. The phrase "Never again" is unnecessary but humorously emphasizes the point.
- There’s no “I” in Denial.
- Explanation: This is a play on two phrases. People often say, "There`s no `I` in `team`" to mean everyone should work together. However, the word "denial" does have an "I" in it. The joke suggests someone is in "denial" about there being an "I" in the word itself.
- Why can’t you explain puns to...
- Explanation: "Kleptomaniacs" are people compelled to steal
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