I'm not drunk

A recovering alcoholic is downtown to pick up his income tax return. He passes by a bar and turns to go inside, promising himself he'll only have a couple of beers and then leave. Well, he goes in and gets wasted. As he sits at the bar, he pukes down the front of his shirt. Immediately he breaks out into tears, sobbing: "My wife is going to leave me. I'm just a miserable old drunk and now I'm going to die alone."

The guy sitting next to him turns and says: "It's not that bad. You can get out of this. Take a $5 bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When you get home, tell her you had a couple beers and a guy puked on

you. Tell her that the $5 was given to you to pay for the shirt."

The drunk guy looks disbelievingly at him and says: "That just might work. You're a saint!"

The drunk guy goes straight home. When he walks through the front door, his wife is waiting for him and she is irate.

She takes one look at him and screams: "I can't believe it. You're drunk. I warned you but you just don't care. I'm moving out."

The drunk says: "Stop, Honey. Let me explain. It's true I did have a couple of beers, but I'm not drunk."

She says: "Look at you... you puked down the front of your shirt."

He replies: "It wasn't me! A drunk guy next to me puked on me. He put a $5 bill in my shirt pocket to pay for the shirt. You can see for yourself."

She reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money. She looks at it, then to him and says: "This is a $10 bill"

He looks at her and says: "Oh I forgot. He shit my pants too."