Jokes of the day for Friday, 04 July 2008
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 04 July 2008 |
It seems that despite the adve...
It seems that despite the advertisements in the paper, stores don't want you to do our Christmas shopping too early.A local store just arrested a fellow for shopping about two hours before the store opened.
Men are like...
Roller C...
Men are like...Roller Costers...
They either make you sick to your stomach or give you the time of your life.
First day at school...
The child comes home from his first day at school.
His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."
After a lesson on magnetism, a...
After a lesson on magnetism, a science teacher asks his class to name something beginning with "M" that will pick up.A scientist had previous...
A scientist had previously been a sailor. He was very aware that ships were addressed as "she" and "her". He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed as. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts.
The first group was composed of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give four reasons for their recommendations.
The group of women reported that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem themselves.
As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:
No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your salary on accessories for it.
Whoever said "nothing is impos...
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried slamming a revolving door.How Are You Feeling?
Farmer Brown decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Brown. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.
Farmer Brown responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Brown said, "Well I had just gotten Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Brown's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Brown thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side."
He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans."
"Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me."
Finally, farmer Brown came to the end of the story. "The patrolman looked at me and said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are YOU feeling'?"
Consultation fees
A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely.""Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.
Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.
Kitty & Lady Find L-O-V-E
One day, a fairy visits a lonely widow and says that she is there to give her three wishes.''I wish I was 21 and beautiful!'' The wish is instantly granted.
''I wish I had a million dollars!'' The wish is granted.
''I wish that my cat here were the most handsome guy in the world and was madly in love with me.'' The wish is granted. The now young lady and her man go inside. They start to cuddle, and the man looks at her.
''Aren't you upset that you had me fixed?''
Lawyer One Liners #2
** How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?
** How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.
** If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
A young man at this constructi...
A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where you mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you've got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in."
An inebriated man and his drun...
An inebriated man and his drunken friend were sitting at a bar."Do you know what time it is?" asked the drunk.
"Sure" said the man.
"Thanks" said the drunk.
Lady trying to catch a ride
A woman comes home early, and finds her husband in bed with a girl.
She is furious, threatens to kill them both... the husband says:
- Believe me, darling, this is just a misunderstanding. I was driving home, and saw this young lady trying to catch a ride. So I decided to give her a lift. I ask her where she needs to go, and she tells me she wants to visit some relatives, but isn't sure about their address. So, I took her home so she could check our phonebook.
- Once there, I saw her dress is pretty ragged, so I decided to give her your old dress. Nearly two years that it's been hanging in the closet, and you never wore it.
- Then, I saw her shoes are also about to fall apart, so I gave her your old shoes, which have been doing nothing but collecting dust for three years. Of course, she said thanks, and then asked:
"Excuse me sir, but is there anything else in this house your wife never uses?"
Redneck Been Here?
Ways to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer 10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba".
4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
And, The Number One Way To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On A Computer...
The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
