Jokes of the day for Friday, 25 July 2008

TheyÂ’d successfully clo...

TheyÂ’d successfully cloned a man in Holland and he was like the host in every way, except that he had a tendency for really foul language and rude body gestures.

Since he was so vulgar, the scientists knew that they couldn’t show him to the news people, due to the embarrassment they’d endure as a scientific body. So they decided to “eliminate” this one and start on a new one.

The scientists lured the guy to an open window 14 storeys up and then shoved him out. Needless to say he splattered upon impact.

When the law got involved, they couldnÂ’t decide what to charge the scientists with: On one hand, the Conservatives were saying that the dead man was, indeed, a human being and that the scientists were murderers. From the other side, the Liberals were saying that the guy was a lab experiment and, therefore, not entitled to any rights.

The cops finally decided to charge the scientists with Â…making an Obscene Clone Fall.

Which travels faster -- heat o...

Which travels faster -- heat or cold? Heat -- because we catch cold.

You Are From Canada

You know your from Manitoba, Canada, when....

1. You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
   
   
2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
   
   
3. The mosquitoes have landing lights.
   
   
4. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
   
   
5. You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.
   
   
6. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
   
   
7. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
   
   
8. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
   
   
9. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
   
   
10. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
    
    
11. The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports.
    
    
12. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
    
    
13. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
    
    
14. Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
    
    
15. You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.
    
    
16. You head south to go to your cottage.
    
    
17. You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
    
    
18. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
    
    
19. The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making.
    
    
20. You find -40C a little chilly.
    
    
21. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.
    
    
22. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.
    
    
23. You can play road hockey on skates.
    
    
24. You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
    
    
25. The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
    
    
26. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Northern friends.
    
    

New stamp

Did you hear that the post office had to recall a recent stamp release?

The stamps had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Submitted Curtis

Edited by Glaci

Final Confession

Brittany was on her deathbed, with her husband Adam at her side.

She kept trying to tell him something, but he kept saying, "Shhhh, don't worry now darling, just rest."

"But honey," she whispered, "I need to make a confession before I die... I slept with your brother, your best friend, and your father."

"Don't worry about it, sweetie," replied Adam as he wiped the tears from Brittany's cheek, "I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"

Celebrity pastry chef

Now that I'm a hotshot celebrity pastry chef,
I drive a Studebaker

10 Things Men Know About Women

10 Things Men Know About Women

1.)
2.)
3.)
4.)
5.)
6.)
7.)
8.)
9.)
10.) They have breasts.

An old man and his wife went...

An old man and his wife went to the doctor's office and the doctor askedthe man for a blood, urine, and feces sample.The old man was slightly deaf and said, "What?"
Again, the doctor said, "I need a blood, urine and feces sample."
The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled intohis ear:
"Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear!"

She Told Me To Leave

My wife packed my bags and told me to leave.
As I was headed out the door, she said, "I hope you live a long and lonely life!”
I replied, "So now you want me to stay?"

An American, traveling on a tr...

An American, traveling on a train in Europe, met a Cuban tobacco grower, a Russian vodka distiller and a lawyer.
While they were talking business, the Cuban took out four cigars and passed them around. After lighting his own cigar, the Cuban took one drag and then threw it out the window, explaining that cigars were of no consequence in his country since there was such an abundance of them.
After dinner, the Russian passed out bottles of vodka. After taking just one swig, he threw the bottle out the window, explaining that vodka was of no consequence since, in Russia, it was so plentiful.
The American businessman sat in quiet contemplation for several minutes, then arose... and threw the lawyer out the window.

YOU know you need a Different Lawyer ...

YOU know you need a Different Lawyer when ......
* You met him in prison.
* During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
* He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
* He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
* He tells you that he's never told a lie.
* He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
* A prison guard is shaving your head.

Waiting

Jim was startled to see the nonchalant way Jon was taking the fact that his lady love was seen with another man.

"You said you love her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn't knock the guy down?"

"I'm waiting," Jon said.

"Waiting for what?" asked Jim.

"Waiting to catch her with a smaller man."