Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 12 August 2008

Another...

Another Lesson in Managment

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree", sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy.

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Bulletin Bloopers

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

An old man was sitting on his ...

An old man was sitting on his rural porch, watching a jackrabbit cross the road. Just then, a passing truck squashed the jackrabbit.

The driver, pulled over, jumped out and ran back to see what he had hit. Seeing the flattened jackrabbit, he retrieved a spray can from the truck, and sprayed it on the mess. Waiting a few minutes, he shook the can and sprayed more on. The flattened mass quivered, and the driver sprayed yet more on. The mass quivered more, pulsing as well. The driver emptied the can, and the mass quivered, pulsed and reassembled itself into the jackrabbit. The old man watched, stunned. The driver tossed the empty can into a clump of roadside weeds and drove off.

The jackrabbit shook itself, turned to the old man and waved, then hopped a few steps. It stopped, turned back to the old man and waved again.. hopped a few more steps, stopped, turned and waved. This repeated every few hops until the jackrabbit disappeared into the field across the road.

Curious, the old man slowly arose, and hobbled toward where the driver had tossed the can, poking through the weeds with his cane until he found it. He picked up the can and read the label... "Hare Restorer With Permanent Wave."

An elderly Italian Jewish man ...

An elderly Italian Jewish man wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to this rabbi.

"Rabbi, during World War II, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a Catholic and changed my name from Levy to Spumoni, and I am alive today because of it."

"Self preservation is allowable, and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the rabbi.

"Rabbi, during the war, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to feel guilty."

"It's worse, Rabbi. I was weak and told her she must repay me with sexual favors, which she did, repeatedly."

"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favorable balance between good and evil, and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."

"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."

"And what is that?"

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

Skin canoes....

Three men are found in the wilderness by civilized cannibals. The men are led to a gravesite next to the water. The chief says, 'We will kill you as a coward, or we will let you die honarable deaths for your homelands. You choose the weapon. Either way, your skins will be used to make our canoes.'

The first man, a soldier at heart, asks for a handgun. With this, he recites the Pledge and shoots himself. He is carried off. The next man asks for a sword. A warrior at heart, he uses a Japanese katana to commit seppuku as a Japanese man.

The last man asks for a fork.

'A fork? asks the chief?'

But it's his dying wish, so they hand him the fork. He stabs himself repeatedly in the chest, and yells, 'I HOPE YOUR CANOE SINKS!!'

Did you hear about the very in...

Did you hear about the very intelligent monster?

A man and a woman, who h...

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Transcontinental train.

Although initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At about 2:00 am, he leans over and gently wakes the woman, saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims. "Good," she replies. "Get your own @#+% blanket."

Fu, Bu, and Chu immigrated to ...

Fu, Bu, and Chu immigrated to the US from China. They decided to Americanize their names. Bu called himself "Buck." Chu called himself "Chuck." Fu had to go back to China.

Louvre Me Alone

A guy in Paris steals several paintings from the Louvre Museum. But after he gets them out past security, his van runs out of gas two blocks away from the museum and he gets caught. The police ask how he could mastermind such a complex crime and then make such a moronic error. The thief replies, "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the van Gogh."

What do you call a b

What do you call a blonde in the closet? The 1984 hide and go seek champion.

i phoned one of those, "...

i phoned one of those, "Let's Sue Everyone Law Firms" that advertise on television.

I told them I wanted to sue them! I hurt myself going for the remote to turn them off.

Without a pause their response was, "Which member of the firm was doing the commercial?"

Blond Father

A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.

The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?!"

A man goes into a pet shop and...

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"
Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."
The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later...no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later...no centipede. By this point the man is wondering what's going on. So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside.
The man says, "Hey!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just putting on my shoes!"

My wife is an angel

My wife is an angel.

All my friends are jealous because their wives are still alive.

A guy is having marital problems

He and the wife are not communicating at all and he’s lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help.
The store he happened into specialized in parrots.
As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet.
Surprised he mutters, “I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?”
The parrot says, “With my prick, you dummy.”
The guy is startled and says, “You certainly talk well for a parrot.”
The parrot says, “Of course, I’m a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, almost any subject you wish.”
The guy says, “Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for.”
The parrot says, “There’s not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I’ll bet he’ll sell me.”
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great.
When he comes home from work the parrot tells him what Obama said, whether the A’s won, or the Giant’s lost, what the pope did and so on.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, “Come in and shut the door.”
The guy says, “What’s up?”
The parrot says, “I don’t know how to tell you this but the mail man came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips.”
The guy says, “Oh, a momentary flight of passion.”
The parrot says, “Then he fondled her breasts.”
The guy says, “He did?”
The parrot says, “Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts.”
The guy says, “My God, what happened next?”
The parrot says, “I don’t know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch.”