Jokes of the day for Sunday, 17 August 2008
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 17 August 2008 |
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Twenty-one reasons why Engl...
Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.- The bandage was wound around the wound.
- The farm was used to produce produce.
- The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
- We must polish the Polish furniture.
- He could lead if he would get the lead out.
- The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
- Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
- A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
- When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
- I did not object to the object.
- The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
- There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
- They were too close to the door to close it.
- The buck does funny things when does are present.
- A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
- To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
- The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
- After a number of injections my jaw got number.
- Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
- I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
- How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
During our weekly Lamaze class...
During our weekly Lamaze class, the instructor emphasized the importance of exercise, hinting strongly that husbands need to get out and start walking with their wives.From the back of the room one expectant father inquired, "Would it be okay if she carries a bag of golf clubs while she walks?"
Bad Math...
Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him,
"What is three times seven?"
"22," Rick replied.
After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.
About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."
On the first day of coll...
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules, saying, "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anyone caught breaking this rule once will be fined $50."
He continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule a second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $400. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"
Answering Machine Message 215
I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you back.
Unreasonable bill
A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item:"Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn't you. -$50.00."
Closeted
Greg Giraldo on Jon Lovitz: "There hasn't been a more effeminate Jew in the closet since Anne Frank."Petroleum Jelly
One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.
"Hello," he starts, "I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"
"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers.
The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in."
Have some fun with 'addicted' jokes
I'm addicted to seaweed.
I must seek kelp.
My friend is addicted to drinking ink.
It's a dyer situation.
I've been reading a book on anti-gravity, and now I'm addicted.
I can't put it down!
I used to be addicted to eating soap.
But I'm clean now.
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese,
although it's only mild.
Sat next to a fruit machine addict at a gamblers anonymous meeting last night, It was awful!..
He kept nudging me.
A bunch of batteries were gathering around in a circle.
I guess they were having an AA-meeting.
They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction.
My money's on Dave.
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts.
I won't lie, it was a Rocky Road.
m embarrassed to say I got addicted to shoplifting but only from the bottom shelves in the supermarket.
How could I stoop so low?
I've been addicted to cold turkey for 2 years.
I keep telling people I'm trying to quit cold turkey but nobody is taking me seriously.
Got home and someone has stolen all the bits of carpets and the mats.
Police think it was the work of rug addicts.
Speed Limit
Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don’t understand, I wasn’t doing over the speed limit! What did you pull me over for?"
"Ma’am," the officer said, "You should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous".
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.
The officer, trying not to laugh, explains that 22 is the route number, not the speed limit. A little embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"Before I go Ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone ok? These women seem badly shaken and haven’t said a word since I pulled you over."
"Oh! they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 142" ...
How much?
A man meets a woman at a bar and asks her
"Would you have sex with me for 10 million dollars?"
Without skipping a beat she screams
"Yes!"
The man then asks
"What about for $20?"
She looks at him sideways and says
"What do you think I am, a whore?"
The man says
"We've already established that you are, now we're just negotiating."
World Pasta Day day jokes
October 25 is World Pasta Day! Have some fun with pasta and pasta jokes!
A blonde walks into a library and she asked the librarian “Do you have pasta?”
The librarian rolled her eyes and answered “Miss, this is the library.”
The blonde whispers “Do you have pasta?”
Why couldn’t the pasta get into his house?
Because he had gnocchi!
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He pasta way. So sad that he ran out of thyme.
Why did the man get fired from the pasta factory?
He made a fusilli mistakes.
Where did the spaghetti go to dance?
A meat ball!
Why did the pasta call up his friend?
He was feeling canneloni.
What kind of pasta can make all your wishes come true?
Fettugenie.
How come no one ever invites ravioli to a party?
He’s a little square.
Why does pasta always have to pay so much for car insurance?
Because his car always ends up al dente.
Do you have any other pasta jokes?
I’ll give you a penne for your thoughts.
Some pasta puns
I’m such a hopeless ramen-tic.
Noodles are part of my daily rotini.
No need to be ravi-lonely, I’m here.
I’m crazy pho noodles!
I cannelloni do so much
Don’t make fusilli mistakes.
That is tortellini awesome!
Don’t judge me because udon know me
Come and spaghet it.
Spaghett out of my way!
You just spaghet-me!
The battle of spaghettisburg.
I walked right pasta and didn’t even notice!
Life is full of pasta-bilities.
Can you pasta sauce please?
This too shall pasta.
You mac me smile.
