Jokes of the day for Monday, 27 October 2008
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 27 October 2008 |
Top ten things you don't ...
Top ten things you don't want to hear from your real estate agent when you go to settlement on your new home:1. "I think unexplained crop circles add a unique flair to any home's garden."
2. "Actually, it's only the rear portion of the yard that overlaps the ancient Indian burial ground."
3. "Yes, the last owner did donate the house to the Hell's Angels, but I'm told that the judge has ordered them not to come within 50 feet of it."
4. "One bleeding toilet doesn't necessarily mean it's haunted."
5. "Your neighbor has assured me that, technically, they're not 'killer' bees."
6. "Even if there was a full-scale mudslide, it's unlikely that it would reach as far back as your property."
7. "It's quite common for roaches to grow that big even when not in the presence of radioactivity."
8. "Did you know that the band Grave Raper holds their practice sessions right next door?"
9. "It's true that they died in the house, but the prosecutor was never actually able to prove it was murder."
10. "You can barely hear the sheet metal factory at night."
Budget Cuts
Reso...
Budget Cuts
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executiveÂ’s wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
Begin Emergency Landing
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight.
The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign.
The vibration stopped immediately.
A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.
He Was a Saint
There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used theirmoney to keep their ways from the public eye. They even
attended the same church and looked to be perfect
Christians.
Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not
only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but
he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell
in numbers.
A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new
assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining
brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral
and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying
for the new building.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you
must say my brother was a saint."
The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.
The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back.
"He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and
abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small
time, he concluded with, "But, compared to his brother, he
was a saint."
Stewed Tomatoes
A guy is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worry about getting seasick.The doctor suggests, ''Eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.''
The guy replies, ''Would that keep me from getting sick, Doc?''
The doctor says, ''No, but it'll look real pretty in the water.''
Downsizing - Funny Jokes
Signs Your Company is Going to Downsize
10. Company Softball Team is converted to a Chess Club.
9. Dr. Kevorkian is hired as an “Outplacement Coordinator”.
8. Your best looking women in Marketing are suddenly very
friendly with the dorky Personnel Manager.
7. The beer supplied by the Company at picnics is Schlitz.
6. Weekly yard/bake sale at Corporate Headquarters.
5. Company President now driving a Ford Escort.
4. Annual Company Holiday Bash moved from the Sheraton to the
local Taco Bell.
3. Employee discount days at the local “Army & Navy Surplus
Store” are discontinued.
2. Dental plan now consists of a Company supplied kit (String,
pliers and 2 aspirin).
1. Your CEO has installed a dart board in his office marked
with all existing departments in the Company.
Remember folks, “We're not Downsizing, we're Rightsizing!!”
Bill Gates cannot hire houseke...
Bill Gates cannot hire housekeepers, although he has interviewed hundreds.Everyone he interviews says they don't do windows.
Farmer Joe decided his injurie...
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough totake the trucking company, responsible for the accident, to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning FarmerJoe. "Didn't you say, 'I'm fine', at the scene of the accident?" asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for a long, drawn-out story," the lawyer interrupted,"just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and Iwas driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establishthe fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the HighwayPatrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks afterthe accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer andsaid to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had justloaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving herdown the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign andsmacked my truck right in the side."
He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown intothe other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I couldhear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shapejust by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. Hecould hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After helooked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then, hecame across the road with his gun in his hand, looked at me and said, 'Yourmule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
Which motorcycle gang inflicts...
Which motorcycle gang inflicts damage via paper cuts? - The Bandaidos.
Afraid to cough
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.
Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup.
Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.
The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.
"Just look at him. He's afraid to cough!"
Eugene Mirman: Kids Say the Darnedest Things
A lot of people think kids say the darnedest things, but so would you if you had no education. 
