Jokes of the day for Sunday, 09 November 2008
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 09 November 2008 |
To My Bank
Dear Sirs, To My Bank
Dear Sirs,
In view of what seems to be happening internationally with banks at the moment, I was wondering if you could advise me. If one of my checks is returned marked “insufficient funds,” how do I know whether that refers to me or to you?
Sincerely,
At a party, a guy approached a...
At a party, a guy approached a girl and whispered something in her ear."You filthy pervert!!" she shrieked. "What makes you think I'd let you do a thing like that to me?"
Then her eyes narrowed and she said, "Unless you're the son-of-a-bitch that stole my diary!"
The Effects of Sex
...The Effects of Sex
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special runners.
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
Pick A Starting Salary
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The candidate said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"
And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."
The Fishing Trip
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They had sex for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
Milking it
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," the woman replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk."
"I know,"she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."
A ham sandwich goes into a pub...
A ham sandwich goes into a pub and says, "Barman I need a drink"; and the barman says "Sorry, we don't serve food here"The doct...
The doctor entered the room and advised his patient that a brain transplant was the only remedy."Fortunately" he continued, "this hospital has perfected the procedure,
however, it is not yet available on the National Health and you will
therefore have to pay.
We have two brains in stock at the moment, a female brain costing £30,000 and a male brain at £100,000"
"Why is the male brain so expensive?" asked the patient.
"Oh, that's easy, male brains are hardly used."
Corollaries to Murphy's Law...
Corollaries to Murphy's Law- Nothing is as easy as it looks.
- Everything takes longer than you think.
- Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
- If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most severe damage will be the one to go wrong.
- Every solution breeds new problems.
- It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
Two Aliens land in Detroit, ne...
Two Aliens land in Detroit, next to a Gas station. The Aliens waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that resembles a being is the Gas pump. The two Aliens approach.The first one says, "Earthling take me to your leader!" He gets no response.
The first Alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again, "Earthling, I said Take me to your leader!" Still no response.
The first Alien then turns to the second and says, "If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect I'm going to blast him!"
The second Alien replies, "O.K. but, I'm just going to stand down on the next block."
The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses pump a third time,"Earthling take me to your leader!" No response.
The Alien then pulls out his ray-gun and shoots the pump...
After the explosion the Alien gets up, dusts himself off then goes down the block to his buddy.He then says to the second Alien, "If you knew that was going to happen why didn't you warn me?"
The second replies, "I didn't know what was going to happen, but I'm not going to mess with anyone who can hang his penis to the ground, wrap it around his body twice, and can still stick it in his ear!"
Alien Abduction
Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner bar enjoying themselves, when Ted walks in looking distressed. "Ted, you look awful. What's wrong?" Harry asks.
Ted says, "Last night I got really drunk, and then somewhere between here and my house, I was abducted by an alien?"
Everyone is shocked. "I heard about this kind of thing happening!" Bills says. "What did the alien do to you?"
"I don't remeber all the details," Ted says. "All I remember is being anally probed by the alien."
Everyone is horrified. "I heard that they'll do that!" Steve says. "What did the alien look like?"
Ted responds, "Carl."
Love and Kindness are never wasted
Love and Kindness are never wasted. They always make the difference. They bless the one who receives them, and they bless you, THE GIVER. National Geographic
Ole and Lena are 69-ing when Ole says, "Lena, did you know there are 117,000 musk ox in Alaska?" Lena says, "No, I didn't."
Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are 482,000 grizzly bears living in Alaska?"
Lena says, "No, I didn't. Gee, you're smart."
Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are more than 2 million caribou living in Alaska?"
"No," says Lena, wondering how this conversation came about in the middle of their sex play.
"How did you get so smart?"
Ole says, "Remember last night when we ran out of toilet paper and had to use the pages out of magazines?"
"Yes, I remember," says Lena.
"Well, you still have page 63 of National Geographic stuck to your ass."