Jokes of the day for Saturday, 22 November 2008

An Indian politician went to t...

An Indian politician went to the US to visit his counterpart. When the senator invited him home for dinner, the minister was very impressed by the lavish mansion, grounds and the costly furnishings.

He asked "How can you afford all this on a meager senator's salary?"
The senator smiled knowingly and took him to the window.
"Can you see the river?"
"Yes"
"Can you see the bridge over it?"
"Of course", said the minister.
"10 percent", said the senator smugly.

Some time later, he had occasion to pay a return visit. The Indian minister lavished hospitality on him. When they came to his house, the American was stunned by the huge palace the minister had built, glittering with precious art, hundreds of servants et "How can you possibly afford this on your salary?," he asked.

The minister called him to the window.
"See the river over there?"
"Sure," cried the senator.
"Can you see the bridge over it?"
The senator looked, was confused, peered closely an No, I don't see any bridge.
"100 percent," said the minister !!

There was a red head, a brunet...

There was a red head, a brunette, and a blonde riding in the back of a truck. Suddenly the tire popped and the truck drove off the edge into the water.

The red head and brunette swam up and survived, but the blonde drowned because she couldn't get the tail gate open.

An opening joke...

Not too long ago a large seminar was held for ministers in training.

Among the speakers were many well known motivational speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!"

The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech which, went over well.

About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"

His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!"

A man moves into a new flat an...

A man moves into a new flat and invites a few of his friends around for a housewarming drink.
He's got lots of lovely furniture but then one of his friends sees an old hammer hanging on the wall and says, "What's that dirty old hammer doing there?" The man replies: "Oh, that's not a hammer, it's a talking clock. Look, I'll show you."

So he picks up the hammer and starts banging it against the wall, whereupon a voice comes from next door shouting: "Keep it down in there, it's almost half past ten!"

Is that the worst hat ca...

Is that the worst hat can happen?

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad"

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice-even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of >>firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son,

John

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

I read an article that said th...

I read an article that said the symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Hey, that's my idea of a perfect day!

Dog Competition

There once was a dog show to determine the world's smartest dog. Three dogs were in the finals. One dog belonged to a doctor. One dog belonged to an engineer. And, one dog belonged to a lawyer.

For the finals each dog was given a bag of bones to see what it could make.

The doctor said, "Stethascope, go!" The dog built a human skeleton.

The judges were ready to award the trophy right then. But, they decided to give the other dogs a try.

The engineer said, "Slide-rule, go!" (So, its an old joke.) The dog built a suspension bridge.

The judges were beside themselves. Which dog would they pick?

The lawyer said.

"Loop-hole, go!" The dog ate the bones, got a percentage of all the tolls from the bridge and screwed the other two dogs.

The Most Gruesome Death

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.
The first man in line started telling his story, "Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn't find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am."
The next man came up and started his story. "St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought "Please God spare my life" and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I'm here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me."
It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. "Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick's refrigerator....."

Another...

Another Lesson in Managment

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree", sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy.

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

In the Act

A Howard County Policeman broke up a young couple in the act of lovemaking on a pathway in Columbia.

The girl berated the officer long and loud with a barrage of obscenities.

The boy was silent throughout the confrontation.

The officer arrested them both anyway.

The girl was charged with disorderly conduct, the boy with having an offensive person on his weapon.

Submitted by Calamjo

Adam and Eve

Why did god create Adam before he created Eve?
- Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

Wrong Way

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him.
“Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280 interstate. Please be careful!”

“It’s not just one car,” said Herman. “It’s hundreds of them!”

Official Announcement

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that."

A blonde calls her boyfriend a...

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh, "let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."