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Jokes of the day for Monday, 24 November 2008

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 24 November 2008

GRATEFUL MARRIAGE

An elderly couple, Minnie and Max, sit down to their Thanksgiving dinner. Before eating, his wife speaks up. “Can I ask you a question, Max?”

“Sure Minnie,” Max says, waiting to dig into his meal.

“Has our 50 years of marriage made you grateful?”

“Yes, indeed!” Max replied. “For the twenty years I was a bachelor!”

#joke #thanksgiving
Joke | Source: Joke of the day - Jokes of the day on Wordpress
  • Currently 5.38/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (8)

Buying paint....

BUYING PAINT FROM A HARDWARE STORE

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: We have regular quality for $12 a gallon and premium for $18. How many gallons would you like?

Customer: Five gallons of regular quality, please.

Clerk: Great. That will be $60 plus tax.
====
BUYING PAINT FROM AN AIRLINE

Customer: Hi, how much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends.

Customer: Depends on what?

Clerk: Actually, a lot of things.

Customer: How about giving me an average price?

Clerk: Wow, that's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then, I'd like some of that $9 paint.

Clerk: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: What? When would I have to paint in order to get the $9 version?

Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be kidding!

Clerk: Sir, we don't kid around here. Of course, I'll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you.

Customer: What do you mean check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of that stuff; I can see it right there.

Clerk: Just because you can see it doesn't mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went to $12.

Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking!

Clerk: Yes, sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest that you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: I don't know exactly. Maybe five gallons. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough.

Clerk: Oh, no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy the paint and then don't use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: What?

Clerk: That's right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will be in violation of our tariffs.

Customer: But what does it matter to you whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!

Clerk: Sir, there's no point in getting upset; that's just the way it is. We make plans based upon the idea that you will use all the paint, and when you don't, it just causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Yes, sir, it will.

Customer: Well, that does it! I'm going somewhere else to buy my paint.

Clerk: That won't do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules. Thanks for painting with our airline.

#joke #friday
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

SLIDESHOW #11 - Funny Photo Slideshow

What did you say?

<...

What did you say?

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: http://www.webwombat.com.au/ - Jokes: Joke of the Day
  • Currently 7.33/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (3)

Exemplary Insult #37: I think,...

Exemplary Insult #37: I think, therefore, I am ... not related to you.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (3)

What are they doing?

A woman and her little boy were walking through a park in New York and they pass two squirrels having sex.

The little boy asks his mom, "Mommy, mommy, what are they doing?"

The lady responded, "They're making a sandwich."

Then they pass two dogs having sex and the little boy again asks what they were doing.

His mother again replied they were making a sandwich.

A couple of days later the little boy walks in on his mother and father and said "Mommy, Daddy, you must be making a sandwich because, Mommy has mayonnaise all over her mouth!!!"

#joke
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (8)

Southern University Psychology

At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," she said.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up' ."

#joke
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 5.75/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (4)

A man moves into a new flat an...

A man moves into a new flat and invites a few of his friends around for a housewarming drink.
He's got lots of lovely furniture but then one of his friends sees an old hammer hanging on the wall and says, "What's that dirty old hammer doing there?" The man replies: "Oh, that's not a hammer, it's a talking clock. Look, I'll show you."

So he picks up the hammer and starts banging it against the wall, whereupon a voice comes from next door shouting: "Keep it down in there, it's almost half past ten!"

#joke
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 6.63/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (8)

How to ...

How to get noticed at your new work place:

Ask people what sex they are when you meet them for the first time.

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

Put your waste bin on your desk and label it "IN".

Email the rest of the company with hourly updates. eg. "I'll be in the toilet for 5 minutes."

Skip everywhere, never walk.

Always address people by the wrong names.

Put mosquito netting around your work area.

Spend lunch in the car park pointing a hair dryer at passing cars.

Never use punctuation.

Tell your new boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, it's the voices in your head that do".



#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 14 August 2008
  • Currently 5.71/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (7)

An old man was sitting on his ...

An old man was sitting on his rural porch, watching a jackrabbit cross the road. Just then, a passing truck squashed the jackrabbit.

The driver, pulled over, jumped out and ran back to see what he had hit. Seeing the flattened jackrabbit, he retrieved a spray can from the truck, and sprayed it on the mess. Waiting a few minutes, he shook the can and sprayed more on. The flattened mass quivered, and the driver sprayed yet more on. The mass quivered more, pulsing as well. The driver emptied the can, and the mass quivered, pulsed and reassembled itself into the jackrabbit. The old man watched, stunned. The driver tossed the empty can into a clump of roadside weeds and drove off.

The jackrabbit shook itself, turned to the old man and waved, then hopped a few steps. It stopped, turned back to the old man and waved again.. hopped a few more steps, stopped, turned and waved. This repeated every few hops until the jackrabbit disappeared into the field across the road.

Curious, the old man slowly arose, and hobbled toward where the driver had tossed the can, poking through the weeds with his cane until he found it. He picked up the can and read the label... "Hare Restorer With Permanent Wave."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 12 August 2008
  • Currently 7.11/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (9)

A young naval student was bein...

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied.

"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 14 June 2008
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

Little Pete came home from the...

Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
“Well, Dad,” said Pete, “ I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”
“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.”
“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 9.17/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (6)

We don't stop at Victoria....

A man traveling by train asks the ticket collector what time the train stops at Victoria.

"Sir, we don't stop at Victoria."

"But I have to get off there!"

"Well, there might be one thing I can do. I might be able to get the engineer to slow down the train a little. Then I can dangle you out the door and lower you onto the platform."

"Will that work?"

"It's worth a try."

As they approached the platform, the train is slowing from 50 MPH. The collector hangs the man in mid-air out the door. The man starts running in mid-air. "Run faster! Faster!" He lowers the man and the man's feet touch the platform. His shoes start to smoke! His heel comes off! He's running at 30 MPH. He's made it! He starts to slow down! The other passengers stare in amazement.

As the last car goes by, a hand grabs the man by the shirt collar and lifts the man right back into the train! As he's helped back on the train the gent who picked him up says, "Man you're lucky I was here to help! This train doesn't even STOP in Victoria!"

#joke
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (9)

Let's pretend

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.

In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?"

The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, " I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married."

The man says happily, "OK!" AWESOME!"

The woman says, "GOOD ....get your own darn blanket!!!"

#joke
  • Currently 8.72/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (53)

Peanut Butter Rooster

Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a jar of peanut butter?

A: A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 5.58/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (52)

One wish

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish. A wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."

After a few minutes, God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

#joke
  • Currently 8.37/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (75)

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