Jokes of the day for Sunday, 07 December 2008
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 07 December 2008 |
Two women were sitting in the ...
Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders."I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible."
"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."
"You must tell me what you did."
"I went to a faith healer."
"But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."
The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie."
Bee in band class...
The summer band class was just getting under way when a large insect flew into the room. The Sixth Graders, eager to play their shiny new instruments, tried to ignore the buzzing intruder, but eventually one student, Tommy, could stand it no longer. He rolled up his music book and swatted the insect, then he stomped on it to ensure its demise.
"Is it a bee?" another student asked.
"Nope," Tommy replied. "Bee flat."
Stumping Dear Abbey
...Stumping Dear Abbey
Dear Abby:
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby:
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby:
I have a man I could never trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby:
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby:
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby:
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who is raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby:
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?
Dear Abby:
My forty-year-old son has been paying a pyschiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby:
I was married to Bill for some three months and I didnt know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby:
My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.
Dear Abby:
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor.
Husband confesses: Our last fi...
Husband confesses: Our last fight was all my fault. My wife asked me, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"Had Any Accidents?
The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.
"Ever have an accident?"
"Nope, nary a one."
"None? You've never had any accidents."
"Nope. Ain't never had one. Never."
"Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"
"Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."
Pilot
The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services.He directed that a Air Force base nearby to a Redneck town be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited to come and see it.
As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.
The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.
He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"
The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man says, "I chop wood!"
"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"
"I chop wood!"
"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"
"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"
"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"
The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!"
"What time does the library op...
"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked."Not until 9am?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not until 9am," the librarian, getting angry, said. "Why do you want to get in before 9am?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."
A manager brings a dog ...
A manager brings a dog into a nightclub to work.The dog is a brilliant piano player. He plays all the
standards. He's sitting there, pounding out the tunes,
when all of a sudden, a big dog comes in and drags him
out. The nightclub owner asks, “What happened?”
The manager says,
“That's his mother. She wants him to be a doctor.”
Phrases ...
Phrases to really motivate staff:"And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?"
"I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me."
"Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view."
"It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying."
"The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist."
"I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter."
"I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant."
"You! Off my planet!"
"How many times do I have to flush before you go away?"
"When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
An Anagram, as you know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever.
Dormitory: Dirty Room
Evangelist: Evil's Agent
Desperation: A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code: Here Come Dots
Slot Machines: Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity: Is No Amity
Mother-in-law: Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms: Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness: Genuine Class
Semolina: Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries: Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point: I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes: That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two: Twelve plus one
Contradiction: Accord not in it
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro rol...
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro roll up to an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy, the officer, halts them and sternly declares, "It's illegal to cram five people into a Quattro. 'Quattro' means four." The Englishman, incredulous, retorts, "Quattro is just the name of the car! Check the papers: it's designed for five."
"You can't pull that one on me," replies Paddy. "Quattro means four. You've got five folks in there; it's against the law."
The Englishman, now irate, demands, "Get your supervisor! I need someone with more intelligence!"
Paddy quips back, "Sorry, Murphy's tied up with two blokes in a Fiat Uno.
Dyslexic boyfriend
My boyfriend had a sex manual but he was dyslexic. I was lying there and he was looking for my vinegar.
Victoria Wood (May 19 1953)
Picture: BBC
Two-timer
Mrs. Donnell said to her maid: "Oh Mary, I suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary."
"I don't believe it," Mary snapped: "you're just saying that to make me jealous."
