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Jokes of the day for Monday, 08 December 2008

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 08 December 2008

The local bar was so sure that...

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight lifters,longshoremen, etc..) but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said "okay," grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.

He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
#joke #fruit #lemon #drinks #juice
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Mom and catsup...

A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle, the phone rang, so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer it.

"It's the Minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she said to him, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

#joke #mother #mom
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 6.33/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (3)

SLIDESHOW #54 - Funny Photo Slideshow

The fight we had last night wa...

The fight we had last night was my fault.
My wife asked what was on the TV and I said dust.

Tony White, Loanhead
If you have a joke you would like to share with us e-mail: letters_en@edinburgh news.com


The full article contains 47 words and appears in Edinburgh Evening News newspaper.
Page 1 of 1

  • #joke
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 6.67/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (3)

JOB DESCRIPTION

...

JOB DESCRIPTION

POSITION :

Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Ma

JOB DESCRIPTION:

Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:

The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs Five Dollars. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat just in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face overly stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of several multiple homework projects.

Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.

Must always hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and cleaner work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:

Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:

None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:

Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that university will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

#joke #animal #wolf #mule #sport #mother #mom
Joke | Source: http://www.webwombat.com.au/ - Jokes: Joke of the Day
  • Currently 1.80/10

Rating: 1.8/10 (5)

Man: I haven't spoken to my wi...

Man: I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. Friend: Why, you two are fighting? Man: No, I just don't want to interrupt her.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (4)

How Old Are You?


A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six," he said.





#joke #food #drinks #whiskey #sport #exercise
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (6)

Email of the species

The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 3.47/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (32)

A manager brings a dog ...

A manager brings a dog into a nightclub to work.
The dog is a brilliant piano player.  He plays all the
standards.  He's sitting there, pounding out the tunes,
when all of a sudden, a big dog comes in and drags him
out.  The nightclub owner asks, “What happened?”

The manager says,
“That's his mother.  She wants him to be a doctor.”

#joke #doctor #animal #dog #mother
Joke | Source: Joke of the day - Jokes of the day on Wordpress
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (45)

Things t...

Things to say to the boss to get you fired:

"I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public."

"I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid."

"Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are you?"

"Who me? I just wander from room to room."

"I pretend to work. You pretend to pay me."

"Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?"

"Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?"

"Earth is full, go home!"

"How about 'never'? Is 'never' good for you?"

"Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 28 August 2008
  • Currently 6.36/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (11)

Confucius say: Woman wear thr...

Confucius say: Woman wear three kinds of ring . . . the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffeRing.
#joke #short #wedding
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 26 August 2008
  • Currently 6.60/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (10)

A drunk walks into a crowded b...

A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman. After awhile, the woman starts to smell this horrible odor coming from the direction of the drunk. She turns to him and says, "Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?" The drunk replied, "Yes ma'am, I have indeed shit myself." The woman says, "Well, why don't you go somewhere and clean yourself up?"

The drunk says, "'Cause I'm not finished yet..."

#joke
Joke | Source: Laughspot - Free Daily Jokes, Ecards, & Games
  • Currently 4.76/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (80)

Christmas QA Jokes

Q. What do Santa’s elves learn in school?

A. The Elfabet.


Q. What does Santa like to do in the garden?

A. Hoe, hoe, hoe!


Q: What do Santa’s elves drive?

A: Minivans.


Q: What do Santa’s elves drink?

A: Minnesoda.


Q: What is Claustrophobia?

A: The fear of Santa Claus.


Q: What breakfast cereal does Frosty the Snowman eat?

A: Snowflakes.

#joke #christmas #food #breakfast
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Honey, said this husband to his wife...

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then, why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married."
#joke #food #honey #meal
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.12/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (17)

Three old men were sitting aro...

Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again."
The 85 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."
Then the 90 year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long pee. At around 6:30 am I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am.
#joke
Joke | Source: Laughspot - Free Daily Jokes, Ecards, & Games
  • Currently 6.41/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (68)

I took an IQ test yesterday...

I took an IQ test yesterday. It came back negative...
#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 9.17/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (6)

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