Jokes of the day for Saturday, 27 December 2008
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 27 December 2008 |
Two football players were taki...
Two football players were taking an important final exam.If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week.
The exam was fill-in-the-blank.
The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________."
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.
Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder.
"Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"
Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba.
"Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm."
"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now."
He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank.
He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."
Window's vs. The Titanic...
When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.
One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.
"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"
"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."
"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.
"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."
Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.
Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!"
"Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."
Getting to Heaven
<...Getting to Heaven
A nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."
She looked at him with confusion. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
"Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
In the news: Today's psychic c...
In the news: Today's psychic conference is canceled due to unforeseen events.Scary Collection 38
Q: What is a ghost's favourite day of the week?
A: Frightday!
Q: Where do Chinese vampires come from?
A: Fanghai!
Q: Why did the skeleton pupil stay late at school?
A: He was boning up for his exams!
Q: How do you join the Dracula fan club?
A: Send your name, address and blood group!
Q: What do you call a stupid skeleton?
A: Bonehead!
Q: What does the postman deliver to vampires?
A: Fang mail!
Q: What happened to the skeleton who stayed by the fire too long?
A: He became bone dry!
Diamond Ring
A cop saw a young blonde woman down on her knees under a streetlight. "Can I help you?" he asked.Replied the woman, "I dropped my diamond ring and I'm looking for it."
Asked the cop "did you drop it right here?"
"No," responded the blonde, "I dropped it about a block away, but the light's better here."
A manager brings a dog ...
A manager brings a dog into a nightclub to work.The dog is a brilliant piano player. He plays all the
standards. He's sitting there, pounding out the tunes,
when all of a sudden, a big dog comes in and drags him
out. The nightclub owner asks, “What happened?”
The manager says,
“That's his mother. She wants him to be a doctor.”
The Statues
For deca... The Statues
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
You've been such exemplary statues, he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
You still have fifteen more minutes, said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."
The Hid...
The Hidden Meaning of Recruitment Ads:"Competitive salary rate" - We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"Duties will vary" - Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"Join our dynamic company" - We have no time to train you.
"Casual working environment" - We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up.
"Must be deadline oriented" - You will be 6 months behind on your first day.
"Some overtime required" - Some time each night, some time each weekend.
"Must have an eye for detail" - We have no quality control.
"Seeking wide experience" - You will need to replace three people who just left.
"Good communication skills" - Management communicates poorly, so you have to figure out what they want and do it.
"Problem solving skills needed" - You are walking into a company in continual chaos.
"Requires team leadership skills" - You will have the responsibilities of a manager without the pay or respect.
A Jewish Mother After Hanukkah
A man received two sweaters for Hanukkah from his mother. The next time he visited her, he made sure to wear one of the two sweaters. As he entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"
An army Major visiting sick so...
An army Major visiting sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic syphilis, Sir."
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man," says the Major. He goes to the next bad. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir."
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man," says the Major. He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir."
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get the wire brush before them two, Sir."
The Worst Age
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.
So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00!"
Beautiful Daughter
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.
He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"
