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Jokes of the day for Monday, 05 January 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 05 January 2009

Political wisdom

...

Political wisdom

1) Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.
- Mark Twain

2) I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
- Winston Churchill

3) A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
- George Bernard Shaw

4) A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
- G Gordon Liddy

5) Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting, On what to have for dinner.
- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

6) Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

7) Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

8) Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
- Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

9) Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few Short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
- Ronald Reagan (1986)

10) I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
- Will Rogers

11) If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free.
- P.J. O'Rourke

12) In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
- Voltaire (1764)

13) Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you.
- Pericles (430 B.C.)

14) No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
- Mark Twain (1866)

15) Talk is cheap... except when Congress does it.
- Unknown

17) The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
- Winston Churchill

18) The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
- Mark Twain

19) The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

21) What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
- Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

22) A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
- Thomas Jefferson
#joke #animal #sheep #food #dinner #drinks #whiskey
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (6)

What kind of tree fits in your...

What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree

Brian Phelps, Craiglockhart
If you have a joke you would like to share with us e-mail: letters_en@ edinburghnews.com


The full article contains 36 words and appears in Edinburgh Evening News newspaper.
Page 1 of 1

Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 3.86/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (7)

A manager brings a dog ...

A manager brings a dog into a nightclub to work.
The dog is a brilliant piano player.  He plays all the
standards.  He's sitting there, pounding out the tunes,
when all of a sudden, a big dog comes in and drags him
out.  The nightclub owner asks, “What happened?”

The manager says,
“That's his mother.  She wants him to be a doctor.”

#joke #doctor #animal #dog #mother
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 01 December 2008
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (43)

A young woman walks into a doc...

A young woman walks into a doctor's office complaining about a rash on her chest. Upon examination, the doctor discovers the rash is in the shape of a 'Y'. The doctor asks the woman if she can think of anything which might explain it.

"Well," the woman replies, "it could be my boyfriend. You see, he goes to Yale and when we have sex he insists on wearing his letter sweater."

The doctor tells the woman to make her boyfriend take off the sweater before they have sex. Later that same day another woman comes in with a rash on her chest, this one in the shape of an 'H'.

When questioned, the woman explains that her boyfriend goes to Harvard and insists on wearing his letter sweater when they have sex. The doctor gives the second woman the same advice as the first and sends he on her way. Later yet another woman comes into the office with a rash in the shape of an 'M'.

Before the woman can explain, the doctor exclaims, "I bet your boyfriend goes to Michigan!"

A smile breaks across the woman's face as she exclaims, "No! My girlfriend goes to Wesleyan!"

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 11 June 2008
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (6)

A blonde is swimming in a rive...

A blonde is swimming in a river. A man walks up and asks her, "What are you doing in there?" She says, "I'm washing my clothes." The man asks, "Why don't you use a washing machine?" The blonde says, "I tried that, but it was too dizzy.
#joke #short #blonde #sport #swimming
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 4.91/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (45)

Smoke and Mirrors Day joke

Today is Smoke and Mirrors Day (USA)! Learn Some Magic Tricks, tell a joke!

My best friend tried to hide his drug dealing through a fake tobacco company and glass manufacturer.
It was all just smoke and mirrors.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

A husband and wife are shoppin...

A husband and wife are shopping when the wife says, "Darling, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? Do you think she would like something electric?"
"Sure," the husband says, "how about a chair?"
#joke #short #mother
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.60/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (10)

Boogers and spinach

What is the differance between boogers and spinach?

You can't get your kids to eat spinach.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 8.47/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (15)

Low Bridge

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. He passed a sign that said “low bridge ahead.”
Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead of him and he got stuck under the bridge. You could say that he got a rock solid “Trucker's Wedgie.”
Cars were backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car pulled up. The cop got out of his car and walked around to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said, “Got stuck, huh?”
The truck driver said, “No officer,… I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas!”

#joke #policeman
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (8)

A Moral Question

One man said to another, "I didn't sleep with my wife before I got married. How about you?"
The man replied, "I don't know. What was her maiden name?"
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 8.65/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (17)

Tom Papa: Guy in a Speedo

The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you.
#joke #short #father #papa
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 7.39/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (31)

Natural Blonde

Q: What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair?

A: Artifical intelligence.

#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 7.70/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (10)

14 Jokes to brighten your day

A termite walks into a bar and asks
- Is the bar tender here?

What do you call a caveman's fart?
A blast from the past.

I was having a bad day, and my friend said,
'At least you're not stuck in a hole in the ground full of water.'
I knew he meant well.

A guy walks into a doctor's office, butt ass naked, but wrapped head-to-toe in cellophane.
The doctor takes one look at the guy and says,
'Well...I can clearly see your nuts.'

- Why couldn't the lifeguard rescue the hippie?'
- Because he was too far out, man.

The chicken and the egg are in bed.
The chicken rolls over and lights a cigarette, and the egg says,
'Well, I guess that answers *that* question.'

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

Why don't anteaters ever get sick?
Because they are full of little anty-bodies.

A tire thief is at large ...
and the police are working tirelessly to catch him.

A man went to see his doctor and the doctor said to him,
'I have some bad news and some worse news for you.'
So the man asks, 'OK, so what’s the bad news?'
The doctor says, 'You only have 24 hours to live.'
The man, obviously shocked by this, says, 'Oh my god, that’s terrible!'
Then he says, 'Wait a minute — what’s the worse news?'
Doctor: 'I should have told you yesterday.'

Two men are standing by the roadside when a tractor drives past.
The driver is ranting and shouting, 'The end of the world is nigh!'
One guy says, 'Oh no, we’re all gonna die, what shall we do?'
His friend replies, 'Don’t worry about him, that’s just Farmer Geddon!'

How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a long time and the light bulb has to want to change.

How do ghosts go through locked doors?
AWith a skeleton key!

What did the zero say to the eight?
'Nice belt.'

#joke #policeman #doctor #walksintoabar #animal #chicken #food #egg
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 9.17/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (6)

Female Hormones

Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men twelve bottles of beer each. The scientists observed that 100% of the male test group gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.
No further testing is planned.
#joke #drinks #beer
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 6.18/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (11)

New bull at farm

Three bulls were standing around the farm yard one day, talking about how the farmer had just bought a new bull.

The first bull, the biggest and strongest of the group, says "He's in for a surprise when he gets here. I'll be damned if he thinks he can take any of my 500 cows."

The second bull chimes in, "I know that's right. He's not touching any of my 250 cows."

The third bull, the youngest of the bunch, pipes up and says "I've only been here a year, I know I'm not as big and strong as you guys but I've earned my 10 cows and he's not getting a single one!"

About this time, a large truck pulling a trailer backs in to the ranch and begins to unload a 4,000 pound monster of a bull. He is so big that the steel ramp is bending with every step he takes.

The youngest bull begins huffing and grunting and scraping the ground with his foot. The oldest bull looks at him and says "Son, use your head. Give up a few cows and live to tell about it."

The youngest bull replies "Hell, he can have all of my cows, I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"

#joke #animal #cow #bull
Joke | Source: Reddit Jokes: Get Your Funny On! - The funniest sub on reddit. Hundreds of jokes posted each day, and some of them aren't even reposts!
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

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