Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 13 January 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 13 January 2009

Two guys in a life raft in the...

Two guys in a life raft in the middle of the ocean. One sees an old bottle floating. He picks it up and rubs it,and a genie comes out.

The genie says, "For letting me out, I will grant you one wish." The guy says, (without thinking) "Turn this ocean into beer". And the ocean turns into the best beer anybody has ever tasted.

The second guy says to the first, "You idiot, now we'll have to piss in the boat".

#joke #beer

Joke

Currently 4.13/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (8)

Poundstretchers and Marks & Sp...

Poundstretchers and Marks & Spencer are to amalgamate to beat the credit crunch. They will be known as Stretchmarks!

Dode Broadleaf, Drylaw

If you have a joke y to share with us e-mail: letters_en @edinburghnews.com

The full article contains 41 words and appears in Edinburgh Evening News newspaper.

Page 1 of 1

#joke

Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day

Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (4)

SLIDESHOW #97 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Why did the supermodel stare a...

Why did the supermodel stare at the can of orange juice? Because it said "concentrate."

#joke #short

Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.

Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (3)

You Thought Y2K Would Be Bad...

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to

his chair before he dropped exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink

and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You

must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so

exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke

down and all

of us had to do our own thinking."

#joke

Joke

Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (4)

Happy New Year…Is Everybody Happy!!!??? (Author A. Nonymous)

I want you to be the first to send you this Happy New Year g Answering Machine Messages

Hi, this is Stephanie's answering machine.

If you're the phone company asking for money, stop bugging her, she'll send it sooner or later. If you're a TV company advertising TVs, she already has a TV with every channel known to man, and several known to monkeys.

If you called for any other reasons, please hang up the phone, start screaming, and run to the nearest shoe store. When you get there, ask them for a cheeseburger. (This probably won't help you, but we'll always have something to laugh about when we're bored.)

Answering Machine Messages

#joke #newyear

Joke | Source: Joke of the day - Jokes of the day on Wordpress

Currently 3.62/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (13)

A student received a software ...

A student received a software package from his friend. But, he didn't have a computer.

The label on the package said that the software required "Windows 3.1 or better."

So, he bought a Macintosh.

#joke #short

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 19 June 2008

Currently 4.46/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (13)

Nun of Your Business

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, “This is for washing our hair.”Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.“The curlers are on me.”-

#joke #beer

Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith

Currently 8.79/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (19)

For birthday husband...

For birthday husband bought wife a bath scale, as a joke. For his birthday, she bought him a ruler.

#joke #short

Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor

Currently 8.36/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (14)

Elephant Jokes 11

What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
Sir!

What can an elephant with a machine gun call you?
Anything he likes!

What do you call an elephant that's small and pink?
A failure!

What is stronger an elephant or a snail?
A snail, because it carries it's house, an elephant just carries its trunk!

What do you give an elephant with big feet?
Plenty of room!

Tarzan was tired when he came home.
"What have you been doing", asked Jane.
"Chasing a herd of elephants on vines"
"Really?", said Jane. "I thought elephants stayed on the ground!"
What would happen if an elephant sat in front of you at the movies?
You would miss most of the film!

What steps would you take if you were being chased by an elephant?
Big ones!

What do you find in an elephants graveyard?
Elephantoms!

Why do elephants have wrinkly ankes?
Because their shoes are too tight!

#joke

Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.

Currently 3.20/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (10)

Can't Do Without It

Duct tape is like 'The Force'...
It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

#joke #short

Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment

Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (8)

Two Irishmen robbed a bank

Two Irishmen robbed a bank and messed it up, managing to escape with two sacks that they found on the floor. And they take one sack each.
After awhile they meet again and one asks the other, "What did you find in your sack?"
"Ten million pounds!"
"Wow... that's a lot! What did you do with the cash?"
"I bought a house. How about your sack?"

"Bah... it was full of bills."

"And what did you do with them?"

"Eh, well... little by little, I'm paying them off..."

#joke

Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories

Currently 9.29/10

Rating: 9.3/10 (7)

Euro 2016 is boring...

Euro 2016 is boring. You sit in front of the tv all day and UEFA somebody to score.

#joke #short

Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!

Currently 4.14/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (7)

Tig: Where Would You Go?

I was at a party, and this guy was hitting on me, and hes hitting on me with the most boring questions. One of them was, If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? And I was like, Anywhere? He was like, Anywhere. I was like, Uh -- to the other side of the room. Now, please, get out of the way of a woman and her dream.

#joke

Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.

Currently 5.80/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (50)

Cured

A woman went to doctor's office for her annual examination.

Suddenly, another older doctor noticed her burst out of the examination room, screaming as she ran down the hall. He stopped the hysterical woman and asked her to sit down and relax. Then, he asked her what she was so upset about.

A few minutes later, the older doctor marched back to the woman's doctor and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children, and seven grandchildren... and you told her she was pregnant?"

The woman's doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard, "Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?"

#joke #doctor

Joke

Currently 8.40/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (20)

Are you an honest lawyer...

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

#joke #lawyer

Joke

Currently 8.62/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (21)

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