Jokes of the day for Saturday, 17 January 2009
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 17 January 2009 |
A paperboy said to a customer one day...
A paperboy said to a customer one day, "Mr. Smith, I wish I had twenty customers like you.""Gosh, that's nice to hear," said Smith, "but I'm kind of surprised considering I never tip all that well and always pay late."
The paperboy said, "I know, but I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is I have one hundred and forty!"
"The Massachusetts court ...
"The Massachusetts court decision to allow gay marriages this week may prove to be a divisive issue in the upcoming presidential election. President Bush is likely torn because he has to protect what he sees as a sacred institution and yet he knows gay marriage would boost the economy because you know those gay guys would go all out. We're talking about designer wedding cakes, $20,000 sleeveless tuxedos, giant naked man ice sculptures that pee mojitos. They'd hire Pattie La Belle as the band, give out African parrots as party favors. It'd be ridiculous. Remember, whatever your political beliefs, a vote to allow gay marriage is a vote for a fabulous economy."-- Tina Fey
The Sailor And The Pirate
A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas. The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch.
The sailor asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the sailor. "What about your hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "While my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the middle east is the loss of the hand that steals"
"Incredible!" remarked the sailor. "How did you get the eyepatch"?
"A sea gull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well...", said the pirate, "..it was my first day with the hook."
My wife is feeling b...
“My wife is feeling better after getting her appendix removed. Unfortunately, she will never be able to reference this chapter of her life.”
Church Bulletin Bloopers
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. 
Halloween 2018 short jokes
What did the skeleton say to the vampire?
You suck.
What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Sham-boo!
What kind of instrument do you play on Halloween?
A Spook-ulele.
What kind of key does a ghost use to unlock his room?
A Spoo-key
Why do skeletons have low self-esteem?
They have no body to love.
How do vampires get around on Halloween?
In blood vessels
What did the teenage witch ask her mother on Halloween?
Can i have the keys to the broom tonight.
If you have an opinion about my life
If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand. Now put it over your mouth. Fourth Husband
A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."
"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
The Pastor's Wife
Gladys was the preacher's wife and accompanied her husband each Sunday to church. One particular Sunday when the sermon seemed to go on forever, many in the congregation fell asleep. After the service, to be sociable, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman. In an attempt to revive him from his stupor, she extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
To which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"
Women need a reason to have sex
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
Billy Crystal (March 14 1948-)
Picture: Getty Images
Heard in the Friars Barber Shop
A man walks into the Friars barbershop, sits down in the chair and the barber asks, “How do you want your haircut?”
The man says, ” I would like the sideburns one high and one low, a few long hairs sticking out of the back and a few chunks on the side and top.”
The barber looks puzzled and says, “I’m not sure I can do that.”
The customer says, “Why not, you did it that way last time.”
I will grant you three wishes . . . maybe!?
An older couple were walking on a beach when the husband tripped over a bottle and a genie came out.
“You can each have one wish,” said the genie. The wife made her wish first “I would like to travel around the world, with my husband,”.
Suddenly there appeared in her hand two tickets for travel around the world.
Now it was the husbands turn, “Well” said the husband, with a naughty look on his face “I wish I can have a younger companion,” . The words were barely out of his mouth when poof,
he aged 20 years!
Found on https://throughopenlens.com , posted on June 22, 2015 by Lukas Kondraciuk
Fig Leaf Found
A little boy opened the large old family Bible, and he looked with fascination at the ancient pages as he turned them one by one.He was still in Genesis when something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was a very large old tree leaf that had been pressed between the pages of the Bible long ago."Momma, look what I found!" the boy called out."What do you have there?" his mother asked.With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!" 
