Jokes of the day for Saturday, 31 January 2009

Q: What did t...

Q: What did the blondes left leg say to her right leg?
A: Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

Wealthy Palestine

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Two snowmen are standing in a ...

Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".

My memory's not as sharp as it...

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be

4 Weeks

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, " We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event."

A woman awakes during the nigh...

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".

"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

You know that you are living in 2009 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to send this list.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

A supermodel finds a mirror co...

A supermodel finds a mirror compact, looks inside, and says, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." A second supermodel takes a look too, and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

You got the warning

Finding one of her students making faces at

others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to

gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher

said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told

if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and

I would stay like that."

Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith,

you can't say you weren't warned."

Mental Institution Pop Quiz

Jon and Dan are in a mental institution which has an annual contest that picks two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they answer correctly, they are released.
Jon is called into the doctors office first. The doctor says, Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?
Jon says, Id be half blind.
Thats correct. What would happen if I poked out both your eyes?
Id be completely blind. The doctor tells him that he is free to go. On Jons way out he tells Dan the questions and answers.
The doctor asks Dan, What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?
Dan says, Id be half blind.
The doctor, slightly puzzled, continues, What would happen if I cut off both your ears?
Id be completely blind.
Dan, how can you explain that youd be blind? asks the doctor.
Well, replies Dan, my hat would fall over my eyes.

A husband says to his to frien...

A husband says to his to friend: "My wife wasn't happy with the bag and belt I gave her for her birthday – but at least the vacuum cleaner works better."

You know...

You know it's cold outside when you go outside and it's cold.

The golf challange...

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.

"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness, " said the golfer.

"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.

"There's bad news?", the Pope asked.

"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by seven strokes."

Embarrassing Situations!

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"

Chinese Language Day Jokes

Today is Chinese Language Day! Find jokes about it!

Q: Why is learning Chinese a piece of cake?
A: Because you can always find a "take-out" option!!"

Q: Why did the Chinese language student always carry chopsticks?
A: They wanted to make sure they could always "pick up" new words!

Q: How do Chinese language learners stay warm during winter?
A: They keep themselves wrapped up in Chinese "characters"!

Q: Why did the Chinese language student become a great cook?
A: Because they mastered the art of "stir-frying" words and phrases!

#chineselanguageday