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Jokes of the day for Friday, 13 February 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 13 February 2009

What do you call a crate of du...

What do you call a crate of ducks ?

A box of quackers !
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Kiwi box - today's pick Joke of the day
  • Currently 2.67/10

Rating: 2.7/10 (3)

Q: How many m...

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?

A: None. It should be open when the woman brings it to you.
#joke #short #beer
Joke | Source: Comedy.com - The World Famous Comedy.com Daily Joke!
  • Currently 2.25/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (4)

SLIDESHOW #52 - Funny Photo Slideshow

A Day At The Beach

A man joins a very exclusive n*dist colony. On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

Burglar and an Elderly Woman

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"

#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 5.73/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (59)

A priest was being honored at ...

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while people waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss' wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister-in-law. I was appalled! But as the days went on, I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had indeed come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived, full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation, giving his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him for confession!"
#joke
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (4)

A friend of mine was taking ps...

A friend of mine was taking psychology at San Francisco State College. The professor and class were discussing Penis Envy, or more accurately, they were discussing the reams of evidence refuting this redoubtable phenomenon.

The professor told the students of the experience of a friend of hers...

A male friend was taking a shower in the presence of his three-year-old daughter. The daughter looked at her dad and said, "Daddy, you have a penis."

The father said, "Yes, I do."

The kid said, "I don't have a penis."

The dad said, "Yes, that's right."

The kid said, "Mommy doesn't have a penis."

Again, the dad confirmed.

The daughter frowned, and then looked up at her dad reassuringly and said, "Well Daddy, I don't think you should worry, because yours is very small."

The psychology professor thought this was an excellent case for the existence of "Penis Pity."
#joke
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (4)

Why The Bad Plays?


A true story, according to the LA Times.....
Coach Frank Layden of the Utah Jazz asked forward Jeff Wilkins, "Is your bad play due to ignorance or apathy?"
Wilkins replied, "I don't know and I don't care!"

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (4)

Man and wife in heaven....

A woman found herself standing at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted her and said, "These are the Gates to Heaven, my dear. But you must do one more thing before you can enter."

The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do.

"Spell a word," St. Peter replied.

"What word?" she asked.

"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."

The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love. L-O-V-E."

St. Peter welcomed her in, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he took a break. So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair when a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband.

"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"

Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when I left your funeral, I got in an accident. Did I really make it to Heaven?"

"Not yet," she replied, "You must spell a word first."

"What word?" he asked.

The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."

#joke
  • Currently 6.67/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (9)

What do you call a dentist in ...

What do you call a dentist in the army?
A drill sergeant
#joke #short
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (6)

Why was the dude fired from hi...

Why was the dude fired from his quality-control job at the M&M factory? Because he kept throwing away all the ones with "W"s on them.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
  • Currently 6.40/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (5)

Determining sex

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?

A: Childbirth.

#joke #short
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (8)

Drunk Driver Test

A policeman pulls a driver over for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow into a breathalyzer.
I cant do that, officer, Im an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.
OK, well just get a urine sample down at the station.
Cant do that either, officer. Im a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.
Alright, we could get a blood sample.
Cant do that either, officer. Im a hemophiliac. If I give blood, I could die.
Fine then, just walk this white line.
Cant do that either, officer.
Why not?
Because Im drunk.
#joke #policeman
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 3.78/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (9)

Makin' babies

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The mother, more than a little surprised, asked fearfully, "That's interesting. How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 21 August 2008
  • Currently 7.36/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (11)

One day a little girl was sitt...

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 9.09/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (45)

Photographer

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.
The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "And make several low-level passes."
"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!"
The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"  

#joke
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (5)

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