Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 18 March 2009
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 18 March 2009 |
Bankers do it risk-free.
Ba...
Bankers do it risk-free.Bankers do it just for money.
Bankers charge a fee each time they do it.
Bankers do it with varying rates of interest.
Bankers do it with a penalty for early withdrawal.
Q: Did you kn...
Q: Did you know that President Clinton is in some more trouble?A: Yeah, Monica coughed up a little more evidence.
Tech Support: "Do you have any...
Tech Support: "Do you have any windows open right now?"Customer: "Are you crazy woman, it's twenty below outside!"
Sister, Got Milk?
There once was a 94-year-old nun in the 1890's whose worn-out body began to surrender. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times a day, to relax her.
However, not to be lured into worldly pleasures, she huffily declined. But her mother superior knew the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day. Eventually, the elderly pious one approached her final hour. As several sisters gathered around her at bedside, the mother superior asked if she wanted to leave them any words of wisdom.
"Oh, yes," she replied. "Never sell that cow!"
The Horney Rooster
... The Horney Rooster
A farmer looses his prize stud rooster just when he needs his hens fertilized most for some new chicks. He looks all over the county for a new stud rooster and finally finds one about to be killed at the slaughter house.
The butcher says, "No you don't want this one he's too horny."
The farmer says, "Perfect I'll take him." He turns the rooster loose in the hen house and hears nothing but squawking hens all day. He's eating supper and hears the ducks starting to quack loudly on the pond. He's getting ready for bed and hears the cows bellowing in the barn.
The next morning he wakes up to the sound of the pigs squealing. So he locks his wife and daughter in the house so the rooster won't get them, walks outside and finds the rooster laying exhausted and dehydrated in the driveway with buzzards circling overhead.
He walks to the rooster and says, "Gol-dang it rooster if you'd have paced yourself, you could have had the run of this place for years" The rooster looks at him with one eye cocked open, points to the buzzards and whispers, "Shhhhhh. They're about ready to land, Shhh.”
MORE COMPUTER VIRUSES
...
MORE COMPUTER VIRUSESGovernment Economist Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine
Federal Bureaucrat Virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer
Adam and Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer
Congressional Virus # 1: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem
Congressional Virus # 2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything
Jane Fonda Virus: attacks your hard drive's FAT
Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB
AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus
Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
Ross Perot Virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits
Snobbish man to art gallery at...
Snobbish man to art gallery attendant: I suppose this hideous monstrosity is what passes for modern art these days. Attendant: No, sir, that's just a mirror.The Biology Song 02
To the tune of "Send in the Clowns"
So this is it,
A few bases to go,
I've tried and I've tried but the techniques's so slow.
I've poured my gels,
I've run quite a few.
Full of bubbles, they leaked and why I never knew.
But where are the clones?
I've got to have clones,
The end is so near.
Is my broth rich?
Does it look clear?
Contamination is something I always fear.
Are my plaques blue?
They shouldnt be,
No DNA left I'm down on my knees,
So give me some clones?
I've got to have clones,
The end is so near.
I've had bad preps,
There've been quite a few,
Ive tried all brands of PEG, fresh buffers, but nothing would do.
And though they say,
Solutions will keep,
In my hands they last no more than a week.
So send me some clones?
I've got to have clones,
The end is so near.
I've read my gels,
My eyes are quite sore,
There's still sequence missing, of this I am sure.
But there it is!!
Finally done.
I've conquered this fragment and now I have won.
Whats's this I hear?
A voice from the door.
My supervisor wants 10kb more!
So give me some clones,
I've got to have clones,
Or I'll be here all year!
Bill Kalionis
Single,huh?
A guy walks into a supermarket and buys the following:--------------------
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single frozen dinner
The checkout girl looks at him, smiles, and says, 'Single,huh?'
The guy smiles sheepishly and replies, 'How'd you guess?'
She says, 'Because you're ugly.'
Waiter! This coffee tastes lik...
Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud.Female astronauts
Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?Because it doesn't need cleaning yet.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
How Do You Like That?
A woman goes to the hospital, and her doctor gives her a sonogram. He sees the baby and suddenly the baby says, “Are you my daddy?” The doctor is shocked and goes to get another doctor, who looks at the sonogram. The baby says again, “Are you my daddy?” The doctor says, “No, Im not your father.”They go to get the dad, the father looks at his baby boy and the baby asked, “Are you my daddy?” And the father says, “Yes, I am!” So, the baby pops out of the mothers womb, picks up his hand, and starts poking the father in the head while saying, “How do you like that?! How do you like that?!”
I met my wife in Hong Kong
I met my wife in Hong Kong. I said, what the bloody hell are you doing here?
Alexei Sayle (August 7 1952-)
Picture: PA
Gourmet Reporter
A magazine reporter is traveling through a rainforest, in search of a fabled cannibalistic tribe. He falls into a trap, goes unconscious and wakes up tied to a stake with a fire burning slowly underneath him.
He cries out for help, and is answered by what is obviously one of the tribesmen, who informs him that he is going to be served as dinner to the leader of the tribe.
"But you don't understand!" he cries, "You can't do this to me! I'm an editor for the New Yorker magazine!"
"Ah," replies the tribesman, "Well soon you will be editor-in-chief!"
