Jokes of the day for Thursday, 26 March 2009

Dad: Son, go buy me a soda
...

Dad: Son, go buy me a soda
Son: Coke or Pepsi?
Dad: Coke
Son: Regular or Diet?
Dad: Diet
Son: In can or bottled?
Dad: Bottled
Son: 8oz or the 12oz?
Dad: D@mn you!!! So many questions! JUst buy me water.
Son: Mineral or Distilled?
Dad: Mineral
Son: Cold or warm?
Dad: I don't think you want to run an errand.....
Son: Is it obviuos or not?
Dad: Get out of here!!
Son: Now or later???

Q: What do co...

Q: What do constipated mathematicians do when they've got a problem?
A: They work it out with a pencil.

There was a duck that went to ...

There was a duck that went to a local store to buy chapstick, the clerk asked if he would pay cash and the duck said, no, just put it on my bill.

Nine Words Women Use

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Bill Gates cannot hire houseke...

Bill Gates cannot hire housekeepers, although he has interviewed hundreds.

Everyone he interviews says they don't do windows.

Fred, playing as a single at S...

Fred, playing as a single at St Andrews was teamed with a twosome. After a few holes, the twosome finally asked why he was playing such a beautiful course by himself.

He replied that he & his wife had played the course every year - for over 20 years - but this year she had passed away and he kept the tee time in her memory.

The twosome commented that they thought certainly someone would have been willing to take her spot.

"So did I" he said - "but they all wanted to go to the funeral."

Father: Son, who gave you that...

Father: Son, who gave you that black eye? Junior: Nobody gave it to me. I had to fight for it!

I Get No Respect 02

"I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get."
"I remember the time I was kidnaped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."
"My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair."
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing."
"Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him...Do you think we'll ever find them.? He said..I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."
"I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor... so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.. On your mark..."
"On Halloween..the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year.. one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different.. when I answer the door the kids hand me candy."
"I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face."
"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday"

Back seat...

Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his ol' man.

"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me for sixteen years."

Cunning man

Each time the man visits this bar he has a little white box with him.

The lady bartender is finally overcome with interest, and ask: "What's in the box?"

To which he replies "The most amazing frog ever. He loves to go down on women and he is really great."

She suggest she found out how how good the frog is.

In the back room she takes off all her clothes, and spreads her legs apart as the man takes the frog out of the box and places him between her legs.

After several minutes nothing is happening. The man reaches down and picks the frog up, and shaking him says: "Now listen, I am going to show you one more time!"

C.E.O. D.U.M.B

One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on his face. The secretary walks up to him and asks if he needs help.

Yes! he says looking and sounding relieved, This is very important. Glad to help, she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper. Then her boss says, Thanks, I only need one copy.

What do you call a sandwich bo...

What do you call a sandwich box swinging from a bell rope?

Studying Up for the Big Test

"Why do you keep reading the Bible everyday?" the teenage girl asked her grandfather.
"Well, it's a bit like cramming for your final exam," said Granddad.

Screwed

A man walks into a bar and sees a good-looking woman sitting on a stool. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how’s it going?"
She turns to him, looks deep into his eyes and says, "I’ll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter."
He says, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too. What law firm are you with?"  

Damn Parking Enforcement

I went to the shop the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there was a damn traffic officer writing a parking ticket for over-running the meter.
So I went up to him and said,
"Come on, how about giving a man a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for also having parked partially on the pavement!!
So I called him a son of a mutant pig. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes and the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn.
My car was parked around the corner...