Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 01 April 2009

Australian brain transplant Australian brain transplant
An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".
The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

#joke #doctor

Q: What do yo...

Q: What do you get when you breed an elephant and a rhino?




A: Hellifino!

30 Good Lines

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. -He thought he was God and I didn't.

How can you get four suits for...

How can you get four suits for a dollar?

Buy a deck of cards!

Restless Little Girl

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

One day the preacher's wife we...

One day the preacher's wife went to the local butcher shop looking for the family dinner. She walked in and asked the butcher what was his choice of the day. The butcher replied " I recommend the "God Damn Ham"!! The preacher's wife turned bright red and replied "I am the preachers wife, how can you say such things to me!! "No No replied the butcher, The name of the ham is "God Damn Ham." Oh, well then said the preacher's wife, I'll take a nice big piece.

The preacher arrives home and says "Honey, what's for dinner?" The wife promptly replies "God Damn Ham." The preacher in turn (praying for his wife's soul) "Oh dear, how can you say such a thing when your a preacher's wife?" "No! No! my dear," replies the wife, "the name of the ham is "God Damn Ham." The preacher then calms down and prepares for the family dinner.

At dinner time the preacher, wife, son, & daughter sit down for the family dinner. The preacher says a blessing for the evening meal and proceeds to say "AMEN. Honey pass me the God Damn Ham."... At that the teenage son's eyes light up and he slaps the preacher on the back and says " THAT'S THE SPIRIT DAD, PASS THE F#%$KEN POTATOES!!"

You Know You're a Queen i...

You Know You're a Queen if...

If you still can't get over the fact that Sunday in the Park with George lost out to La Cage Aux Folles in nearly every category in the 1984 Tony's, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.

Little girl: Mommy, I think I'...

Little girl: Mommy, I think I'll give you a lovely teapot as a gift on your birthday! Mom: But I already have a nice teapot. Little girl: You did. I just dropped it.

Choking A Girlfriend

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Sunday, November 29, 1992
The Ontario Press Council dismissed a complaint filed by Allan Sorensen against the Toronto Sun, which had reported that Sorenson had choked his ex-girlfriend.
Sorensen's complaint was that his reputation was damaged because the Sun engaged in "speculation" that he had used only one hand to choke her (the other being forced into her mouth). In fact, he said he used both hands.

Aging...

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than ten years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?"

"I'm four and a half."

You're never 36 and a half . . . You're four and a half going on 5.

You get into your teens; now they can't hold you back.

You jump to the next number. "How old are you?"

"I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. Eventually.

Then the great day of your life; you become 21.

Even the words sound like a ceremony.

You BECOME 21 . . . Yes!!

Then you turn 30. What happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED! We had to throw him out. What's wrong?

What changed? You BECOME 21; you TURN 30.

Then you're PUSHING 40 . . . stay over there. You REACH 50.

You BECOME 21; you TURN 30; You're PUSHING 40; you REACH 50; then you MAKE IT to 60.

By then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70. After that, it's a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday . . .

You get into your 80's; you HIT lunch, you HIT 4:30. My grandmother won't even buy green bananas. "Well, it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one." And it doesn't end there . . .

In the 90's, you start going backwards. "I was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens; if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

Why are electricians so clever...

Why are electricians so clever?

Journalism Degree

What do you call an advanced degree in sensationalistic journalism?

A doctor-it degree.

Penguin Delivery

A bus driver on his route sees a van from the zoo stranded on the side of the road. The zoo worker offers the bus driver $100 to help him deliver two dozen penguins. The bus driver agrees and loads the penguins on the bus.
An hour later, the zoo worker gets his van fixed and heads to the zoo. On the road, he sees the bus driver and the penguins driving in the opposite direction. He catches up to the bus and pulls them over.
The zoo worker yells, I gave you a $100 to take the penguins to the zoo for me. Why are you still driving them around?
Calm down, the bus driver says, I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now Im taking them to the movies.

Got used to sharing everything

An old man ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. He then unwrapped the burger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking: "That poor old couple -- all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine -- they were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time, the old woman said: "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady, who had yet to eat a single bite of food, and asked: "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered: "The teeth."

A lawyer died and arrived at t...

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"