Jokes of the day for Thursday, 16 April 2009

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't i...

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: ; Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Q: Did you he...

Q: Did you hear about the new device that makes your car run 95% quieter?


A: It fits right over her mouth.

Pride

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,"Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

Once there was a girl who want...

Once there was a girl who wanted a boyfriend. Her mom wanted to help her, so she set up a blind date for her daughter.

When the girl got back from the date she said "That was the worst night of my life!"

"Why is that?" her mom asked.

"He owns a 1922 Rolls Royce!"

"Isn't that a good thing?"

"He's the original owner mom!"

An Offering From the Bottom of My….

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!" exclaimed the girl.
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush," said her mother.
After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" her mother asked.
"Yes," the little girl replied.
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" her mother asked.
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'"

There was a Texan, a Dutchman ...

There was a Texan, a Dutchman and a Canadian sitting in a bar. The Texan picks up his beer and chugs it on down, then throws the glass up in the air and shoots it.

The bartender looks at him and asks, what'd you do that for? The Texan replies, "back in Texas we have so many glasses we don't have to drink out of the same one twice."

Next the Dutchman picks up his beer and chugs it on down, then throws the glass against the wall. The bartender looks at him and asks, "what'd you do that for?" The Dutchman replies, "back in Holland we have so many glasses we don't have to drink out of the same one twice."

Finally the Canadian picks up his beer and chugs it on down, then he takes the gun from the Texan and shoots the Dutchman. The bartender looks at him and asks, "now what did you do that for?" The Canadian replies, "well back in Canada, we have so many Dutchman, that we don't have to drink with the same one twice!"

An old guy in his Volvo is dri...

An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his car phone.

"Honey", she says in a worried voice, "Be careful! There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway".

"It's worse than that!", he replies, "There are hundreds of them!"

Father: Son, I see you have ba...

Father: Son, I see you have bad grades. Didn't I tell you I'd give you a bicycle if you passed your exams? What have you been doing? Son: Learning to ride a bike.

Question And Answer Jokes

Q: When attorneys die, why do they bury them 600 feet underground?
A: Because deep down, they're really nice guys.
Q: If you drop a snake and an attorney off the Empire State Building, which one hits first?
A: Who cares?
Q: How can you tell the difference between a dead skunk and a dead attorney on the road?
A: The vultures aren't gagging over the skunk.
Q: What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
A: Jewelry.
Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One; the lawyer holds it while the rest of the world revolves around him.

Remember how...

A couple who'd been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa, when the wife said, "Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?"

He moved over and sat close to her.

"Dear," she continued, "do you remember how you used to hold me tight?"

He reached over and held her tight.

"And," she went on, "do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?"

With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"Well," answered the husband, "I have to get my teeth."

Barbie

Yes, it's hard to believe, but in 1999 Barbie turned 40 - just in time to greet the 21st century. And they've been 40 full, rich years indeed.

She began as a glamorous airline stewardess when she was introduced at Toy Fair in 1959. She soared into space as an astronaut in 1974, ran for president in 1992, and in 1997, she bore disability bravely, folding her first-ever bending legs into a wheelchair to become a role model once again for a newly identified market.

In every incarnation,nationality, and skin tone, she's perfectly turned out, with accessories galore at her long slender fingertips. She's Everywoman, she's the Cosmo Girl, she has it all. So, what did Mattel think of next to meet the challenge of Barbie turning 40?

Why fight age? Why not capitalize on it in every way possible? Here are some ideas Mattel brought to the table as they considered producing a past 40 Barbie:

Bifocals Barbie:

Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

Hot Flash Barbie:

Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With handheld fan and tiny tissues.

Facial Hair Barbie:

As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

Cook's Arms Barbie:

Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muumuus are back! Cellulite cream and loofah sponge optional.

Bunion Barbie:

Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with this pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. Colors: pink, rose, blush.

No More Wrinkles Barbie:

Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

Soccer Mom Barbie:

All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr. With mini van in robin's egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

Mid-life Crisis Barbie:

Ken has a young Swedish girlfriend, so it's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Bruce (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a bed and breakfast. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

Single Mom Barbie:

There's not much time for primping anymore! Ken's shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie's across town with Babs and Ken Jr. in a fourth-floor walkup. Barbie's selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included.

Recovery Barbie:

Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does 12 steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke.

Who knows when Barbie will have outlived her usefulness? From Dream House to Nursing Home, the possibilities and accessories are endless!

Ron White: Death Penalty in Texas

In Texas, we have the death penalty and we use it. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.

TV star Jonathan Ross has been...

TV star Jonathan Ross has been caught shoplifting in Harrods' kitchen department.