Jokes of the day for Friday, 24 April 2009

Q: What do yo...

Q: What do you call a gay dinosaur?

A: Mega-sore-ass

Careful

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband .

A 25-year-old man in Utah deci...

A 25-year-old man in Utah decided he wanted to get to Washington to see his mother for Christmas. Not having a car, he hopped into a $500,000 fire truck, blew the air horn and tried to drive away. The fire fighters ran out to see what was happening. He put up a big fight, but they were finally able to subdue him. He never made it to Washington for Christmas.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many o...

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

Black and White

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

Diner: Waiter! I found these d...

Diner: Waiter! I found these dentures in my soup! Waiter: Oh thank you, sir! Our chef has been looking for them everywhere!

A new way to diet...

Tammy and Ann were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, Tammy said, "Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."

"Why don't you just leave him then ?" said Ann.

"Oh ! Not yet." Tammy replied, "I'd like to lose at least another ten to fifteen pounds first."

Did you hear about the man who...

Did you hear about the man who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?

yo mama so fat..

Yo mama so fat even god couldn't lift her spirit.

You Grew Up in the 80s If...

-- You learned to swim about the same time Jaws came out and still cant swim naked at night.
-- Princes 1999 was the focal point of your plans for an end of the century party.
-- You dressed to emulate either Duran Duran, Poison, Madonna, Rick Springfield or Cyndi Lauper.
-- You wanted to be gagged with a spoon.
-- You had a poster of Bo, Luke & Daisy Duke.
-- There was nothing questionable about Bert and Ernie living together.
-- You dialed 867-5309 to see if Jenny would answer.
-- Your familys cable TV box had the three rows of numbers, and you had to move the selector switch accordingly.

Irish Pub Jokes

Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and traveled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields.
Murphy said, "Where are we now?"
The guide said, "We're in the great state of Texas."
"It's a big place," said Murphy.
The guide said, "It's so big, that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it."
And Murphy said, "Yes, and wouldn't it do wonders for it!"

Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'manyana'. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said that the term means "maybe the job will be done to-morrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?" The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish. "No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency.", replied Brennan.

#joke

Top 10 Reasons You know you ar...

Top 10 Reasons You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your Balance and fall over.
6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," And you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." And you can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

And the number one reason you know you are too old to go Trick Or Treating...

1. You have to go home to pee after every other house.

>Dear Abby:

I am forty...

>Dear Abby:

I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits.

>Rose

---

>Dear Rose:

So would I.

Abby

A woman decided to have her po...

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

A brunette goes into a doctor...

A brunette goes into a doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I dyed my hair. I'm naturally blonde." "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."