Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 28 April 2009

Q: How does M...

Q: How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A: From a catalog!

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you...

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

Big Mouth!

A Jewish gentleman stood before a delicatessen display counter and pointed to a tray. "I'll have a pound of that salmon," he said.
"That's not salmon," the clerk said. "It's ham."
"Mister," the customer snapped, "in case nobody ever told you, you got a big mouth!"

During a good manners and etiq...

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word 'toilet' during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."

Diner: I'd like some coffee wi...

Diner: I'd like some coffee without milk. Waiter: We don't have any milk, sir. How about coffee without cream?

Answering Machine Message 176

The party you dialed is not available. Your call is being diverted to an alternate number. Please stand by... (Ring...) The number you dialed must be dialed by your 0 operator. (Click, beep, dial tone.)

New secretary...

A guy walked into his friend's office, he found him sitting at his desk, looking very depressed.

"Hey, what's up with you?", he asks.

"Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me."

"Well, nothing wrong in that. Is she blonde or brunette?"

"Neither, He's bald."

What did the gangster's son sa...

What did the gangster's son say to his father when he failed an exam? "Dad, they questioned me for three hours but I told them nothing."

Yo Mama so Stupid

Yo Mama's so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!

Yo Mama's so stupid she clicked on an Ad Banner!

Yo Mama's so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.

Yo Mama's so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.

Yo Mama's so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.

Yo Mama's so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!

Yo Mama's so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.

A woman went to her priest with a problem...

A woman went to her priest with a problem. Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, Hi, were prostitutes. Wanna have some fun? Thats terrible! exclaimed the priest. But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship. The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priests house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, Hi, were prostitutes. Wanna have some fun? One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!

Fifteen minutes into the fligh...

Fifteen minutes into the flight from New York to Phoenix, the captain announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left.”

Twenty-one reasons why Engl...

Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

The photographer for a nationa...

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of an enormous forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. 
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. 
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. 
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." 
"Why?" asked the pilot. 
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience. 
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?" 

Why did the mermaid cross the sea?

It is International Mermaid Day!

Why did the mermaid cross the sea?
To get to the other tide.

A schoolgirl approaches her mo...

A schoolgirl approaches her mother and announces, "Mommy, I know where babies come from!"
"And where is that?" her mother asks.
"Well, Mommy and Daddy take their clothes off and Daddy's thingy sort of sticks out and Mommy puts it in her mouth and that's how you get babies," she explains.
"Oh darling, that's so sweet, but that's not how we get babies," her mother replies, "That's how we get flowers, jewelry, clothes and shoes!"