Jokes of the day for Monday, 25 May 2009
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 25 May 2009 |
Newspaper Headlines
1. Autos Killing 110 a Day, Let's Resolve to do BetterA Bad Wish
Two happily...
A Bad Wish Two happily married 60 year olds were on vacation when they came across a magic lamp. They rubbed it three times and a Jeanie came out. The Jeanie was willing to grant each person a single wish. The wife wished to travel around the world. Then "poof" a bunch of airline tickets showed up in her hands. The man thought about what he wanted to wish for.
He said to the Jeanie, "I wish my wife was thirty years younger than me." Then "poof" he turned into a 90 year old man.
What's the moral of the story?
-Be careful what you wish for.
A dear old lady was staying in...
A dear old lady was staying in a hotel in a small country town and could not get to sleep because of the noise emanating from a party on the ground floor. At first, she bore it stoically. But at about 2 A.M., when the screams and screeches were louder than ever, she phoned the front desk to ask what was going on."Oh, they're holding a Policemen's Ball" replied the clerk.
"Well," said the old lady, "isn't it about time they let go?"
Mid Semester Final Exam
One night Jack Evans, along with his 3 university friends went out drinkinig till late night, as many college students are prone to do, and didn't study for their test, which, of course, was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt.
They went up to the dean and explained that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst. They continued to explain how they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
The dean, being a compassionate human being said that they could take the test after 3 days. The students graciously replied that they'd be ready by that time.
On the third day, they appeared before the dean. The dean explained that since this was a special test all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the duration of the exam.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last three days. The test consisted of 5 questions with total of 100 points:
MID SEMESTER COURSEWORK EXAMINATION
INSTRUCTIONS : All questions are required. Any inconsistencies on any of the questions among the four students will result in all the candidates getting a zero mark.
Q.1. Write down your name. ----- (2 POINTS) Q.2. Write the name of the bride and groom at the wedding you attended. ----- (30 POINTS) Q.3. What type of a car were you driving? ------(20 POINTS) Q.4. Which tire burst? ------- (28 POINTS) Q.5. Who was driving? ------ (20 POINTS)
How do sailors get the...
How do sailors get their clothes clean?Business One-liners 92
Only a bureaucracy can fight a bureaucracy.
Only a fool can reproduce another fool's work.
Only a mediocre person is always at their best.
Only them as knows their own...knows.
Only those who attempt the absurd can acheive the impossible.
One test is worth a thousand expert opinions.
Old age is always fifteen years older than you are.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Never speculate on that which can be known for certain.
You might be a redneck if 66
You might be a reneck if...You have to check your coke can before you take a drink just in case you have mistaken it for your spit can.
You have accidentally taken a drink from your spit can.
Your wife asks you what you want to be when you grow up.
You see a forest fire and think 'Bar-bee-Q'.
You've ever strained your tea through a flyswatter.
Your mother is hairier than your father.
Instead of flossing you use a plunger.
You take the back window out of your pickup because it's easier to chuck the empty beer cans in the back that way.
When the back fills up with empty beer cans, you get another pickup and start all over again.
Your grandma can bench press a ruck axle.
Walks Into a Bar... Pissing Contest
Two men walk into a bar, one wearing a cowboy hat and the other wearing a Yankees cap. The guy in the Yankees cap approaches the bartender and make a bet: Ill bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at one end of your bar and piss into it from the other end of the bar without spilling a drop.The bartender laughs and says, Youre crazy, but youre on.
The man positions a shot glass on one end, walks to the other end and unzips his fly. He then pisses everywhere -- all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottles of booze, and all over the bartender. The bartender roars with laughter and tells the man to pay up.
The guy in the Yankees cap pays up, laughing and smiling, too.
What are you smiling at? asks the bartender. You just lost $1,000!
Well, you see that guy in the cowboy hat over there crying? Before we came in, I bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your liquor AND you, and not only would you not be mad -- you would laugh hysterically about it!
My kids love going to the...
My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.
"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."
World's Smartest Woman World's Smartest Woman
An airplane was about to crash, and there were 5 passengers left, but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger, Bill Clinton said, "I am president of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people, and a superpower, etc., " so he takes the first parachute, and jumps out of the plane.
The second passenger said, "I'm Antoine Walker, one of the best NBA Basketball players, and the Boston Celtics need me, so I can't afford to die," so he takes the second parachute, and leaves the plane.
The third passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the President of the United States, a soon to be New York Senator, and I am the smartest woman in the world," so she takes the third parachute and exits the plane.
The fourth passenger, Pope John Paul the second, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year old boy scout, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, so as a Christian gesture and good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you take the last parachute."
The boy scout said, "It's Ok, there's a parachute left for you. The world's smartest woman took my backpack."
Fig Leaf Found
A little boy opened the large old family Bible, and he looked with fascination at the ancient pages as he turned them one by one.
He was still in Genesis when something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was a very large old tree leaf that had been pressed between the pages of the Bible long ago."Momma, look what I found!" the boy called out.
"What do you have there?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
World Party Day joke
Today is World Party Day! Have a party!
A guy showed up at his friend's costume party carrying a woman on his back.
The host asked, "What on earth are you dressed as?" The guy replied, "I'm a snail."
The host, looking puzzled, said, "How can you be a snail when all you have is that woman on your back?"
The guy responded, "Oh, that's not just any woman, my friend, that's Michelle."
25 jokes that blend well with coffee
A customer walks into a coffee shop. She asks the barista, “How much for a cup of coffee?”
The barista points to the menu and says, “Five dollars for a cup of coffee and refills are free.”
The customer responds, “Thanks. I’ll have a refill.”
Don’t ever let anyone tell you fairy tales aren’t real. I wake up every morning to drink a potion made from magic beans that brings me back to life.
Every morning, I see this exhausted woman who looks like she would murder someone for a cup of coffee. I really should move that mirror.
Q: What’s it called when you steal someone’s coffee?
A: A mugging!
Q: Why did the espresso keep checking his watch?
A: Because he was pressed for time.
Q: What did the coffee addict name her cats?
A: Cream and Sugar.
Q: What did the coffee say about its late assignment?
A: Better latte than never!
Q: What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
A: A depresso
Q: What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee?
A: Their friendship came to a bitter end.
Q: How are coffee beans like teenagers?
A: They are always getting grounded.
Q: What do you call it when you walk into a cafe you’re sure you’ve been to before?
A: Déjà brew.
Thanks a latte for me being my friend
You mocha me very happy.
You’re brew-ti-ful.
A woman walks into a coffee shop carrying a big chunk of asphalt under her arm. At the counter she says, “I’ll take a large latte for myself, please, and one for the road.”
There are two types of people in this world: People who love Starbucks and liars.
If you replace your morning coffee with green tea ….You can lose up to 87% of what little joy you feel in the morning.
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
A yawn is just a silent scream for coffee.
Coffee and I are the perfect blend.
If the coffee is decaf, we’re gonna have a latte problems.
A tall blonde walks into Starbucks. The barista says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”
The blonde says, “You have a drink named Susan?”
Procaffeinating (n). – the tendency to not start anything until you’ve had your coffee.
I like my men like I like my coffee…Tall, dark and rich
One Monday morning a postman i...
One Monday morning a postman is walking the neighbourhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the postman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. We got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'Who Am I.'"
The postman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."
