Jokes of the day for Thursday, 18 June 2009

Toughest Time
"I had th...

Toughest Time
"I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy.
These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis.
I don't know how I pulled through it.... It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had."

Q: How do you...

Q: How do you kill a blonde?

A: Put a scratch-and-sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool.

My kids love going to the Web,...

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

Oliver Twist

Dave and his new wife had just returned from his honeymoon and was settling down in their new apartment.

An Atheist’s Hell

A young lady came home from a date looking rather sad. She told her mother, "Arthur proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

The Purina Diet Craze

...

The Purina Diet Craze

I used to have a Labrador retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought the tall guy was going to have to stagger out the door

Harmonica...

"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," little Joshua said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best present I ever got."

"That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?"

"Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night.

His And Her Road Trips

HIS and HERS Road Trip
HERS:
Pulls off at wrong exit.
opens window
asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer
Arrives at destination presently.
HIS:
Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.
Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.
Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air
Pulls up to a 7 -11
Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky
Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
Gets back into car.
Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
Almost hits a deer
Curses the night
Curses you
Curses the large slurpee
Drives and fiddles with radio.
Yells at you for suggesting the map again
Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.
He hates your sister.
Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel
He had to look up pernicious.
Couldn't find a dictionary.
Finally found a dictionary
Couldn't spell pernicious.
Seethes at the memory of it all
But she is laughing inside...
And of course you're still lost.

Failed driving test

Q: Why did the blonde fail her driving test?

A: Because she was not used to being in the front seat.

What's orange and sounds like ...

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

Material Damage

A yuppie was opening the door of his BMW when a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie complained bitterly about the damage to his car.
Officer, look what theyve done to my Beemer!
You yuppies are so materialistic, its ridiculous retorted the officer. Youre so worried about your stupid BMW, you didnt even notice that your left arm was ripped off.
Oh, my God! screamed the yuppie, noticing the bloody stump where his arm used to be. My Rolex!

A guy got on a bus one day and...

A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and had to let loose a big noisy fart.
Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her "Do you by any chance have today's paper"?

The lady looked at him and said "No, but the next time we pass by a tree I'll grab you a handful of leaves."

Gorilla Control

A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely. Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun.
"Okay, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated."
"Great," says the man. "But what's the gun for?"
"In case I fall down instead of the gorilla -- shoot the dog."

If God had wanted man to see t...

If God had wanted man to see the sun rise, He would have made it come later in the day.

I went to Gorgie City Farm las...

I went to Gorgie City Farm last weekend, and while I was there I had a religious experience.

PMS v. Mad Cow Disease

Q: What's the difference between PMS and Mad Cow Disease?

A: The number of tits!

new Scientist magazine reporte...

new Scientist magazine reported that researchers are struggling to understand a rare medical condition where sufferers have sex while they're asleep. The name of the disease is called "marriage."