Jokes of the day for Thursday, 25 June 2009

Q: How are el...

Q: How are electric trains similar to a women's breasts?
A: They're made for kids, but the father's end up playing with them.

Feel Like a Woman

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

Two bowling teams, one of all ...

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlanta.

The brunette team rides on the bottom of the bus. The blonde team rides on the top level.

The brunette team down below is partying having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs.

She decides to get up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The brunette asks, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"

One of the blondes looks up at her, swallows hard and says, "YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!"

Ski season...

Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list of exercises to get you prepared:

16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk- in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.

12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.

11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.

10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

8. Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.

7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.

6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.

4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.

3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!

Low Self-esteem

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

Blonde in a Lightning Storm

Q: Why did the blonde keep stopping then smile during a

lightning storm?

A: She thought she was getting her picture taken.

School in the Summertime

Youre like school in the summertime -- no class.

My kids love going to the Web,...

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

Getting Ready For a Trip

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station.
Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump."Reverend," said the young man, "Sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

A little boy walks up to the p...

A little boy walks up to the preacher after church one day and says, "Preacher, when I grow up and get a job, I am going to give you a lot of money."

The preacher says, "Why do you want to do that?"

The boy replies, " Because my Daddy said that you are the poorest preacher he has ever heard."

A guy got on a bus one day and...

A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and had to let loose a big noisy fart.
Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her "Do you by any chance have today's paper"?

The lady looked at him and said "No, but the next time we pass by a tree I'll grab you a handful of leaves."

The Scientist and the Frog

There once was a scientist who studied frogs. One day, the scientist put the frog on the ground and told it to jump. The frog jumped four feet.

So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with four feet, jumps four feet."

So the scientist cut off one of one of the frogs legs. The scientist told the frog to jump. Frog jumped three feet. So the scientist wrote in his note book, "Frog with three feet, jumps three feet."

So the scientist cut of another leg. He told the frog to jump. The frog jumped two feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook "Frog with two feet, jumps two feet."

The scientist cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump. Frog jumped one foot. So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with one foot, jumps one foot."

So the scientist cut off his last leg.

"He said, "Frog jump. Frog jump. FROG JUMP!"

So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with no feet, goes deaf."

Should have been here sooner!

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."

"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

This duck walks into a c...

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves.

The next day the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.

The day after that the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!"

The duck leaves and returns the next day. This time he asks, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replies "No," and the duck said, "Okay, then. Got any grapes?"

Having lunch one day, a sex th...

Having lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend, "According to a survey we just completed, ninety percent of all people masturbate in the shower. Only ten percent of them sing."

"Really?" Her friend said, looking slightly shocked.

The therapist nodded. "And do you know what song they sing?" The friend shook her head.

The therapist said, "I didn't think so."