Jokes of the day for Thursday, 09 July 2009

f a telephone rings in an empt...

f a telephone rings in an empty room and no one is there to answer it, was there really a phone call? Help me investigate this phenomenon by leaving your name and number after the tone.

Leaving Thoughts...

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered then a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

A group of chess enthusiasts c...

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Miracle mile....

A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Business One-liners 25

Everybody should believe in something, I believe I'll have another beer.
Everybody's gotta be someplace.
Everyone breaks more than the seven-year-bad-luck allotment to cover rotten luck throughout an entire lifetime.
Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
Everyone hits a brick wall now and then; the trick is not to do it with your head.
Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually plunge into the Atlantic Ocean.
Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between.
Everything in moderation, including moderation.
Everything is actually everything else, just recycled.

Defending yourself

Judge: Are you defending yourself?

Defendant: Yes, your Honor.

Judge: You know that if you cannot afford it, the State may appoint you a lawyer.

Defendant: I know, your Honor, but I don't want one. I plan to tell the truth.

Blonde in Freezer

Q: What do you call a blonde in the freezer? A: A Frosted Flake.

How many bass players does it ...

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but the guitarist has to show him what to do

My kids love going to the Web,...

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

Friendly Pastor

After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he left. Later, the wife's roommate commented, “Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine.”
This joke was reprinted from "Laugh Yourself Healthy" by Charles and Frances Hunter, with permission of Strang Communications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

A Hillbilly was involved in an...

A Hillbilly was involved in an accident.
The Trooper asked him, "Didn't you see that yield sign when you were merging onto the highway?"
The Hillbilly replied, "Ahh sure I did...and I did it...yup, I Yieeeld and Yieeeld at that there truck and he justa kepp on comin'!!!"

Insulting To Women

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

Bangkok, Thailand

A member of the ruling junta who oversees Thai Airways International has ordered the carrier to hire more-attractive stewardesses.

"We have received a lot of complaints that our air hostesses are not pretty enough, too old and unsmiling," Air Chief Marshal Kaset Rojananil said.

In an interview published in "The Nation", the airline has been hiring too many college-educated women, he said, adding: "Intelligent women tend not to be good looking."

the Pharaoh was dictating, and...

the Pharaoh was dictating, and his scribe was busily chipping away at the stone tablet. "I have plans . . . to form," the monarch said slowly, "a personal bodyguard . . . of stalwart . . and virile . . . young men."

The chips flew, but then suddenly ceased flying, and the perspiring chiseler looked up inquiringly, "Excuse me, your Majesty, but is virile spelled with one or two testicles?"

Business one-liners 80

It's Not My Job!

It's not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere.

It's not how good your work is, it's how well you explain it.

It's not the work that gets me down, it's the coffee breaks.

It's out of my control.

Job placement: Telling your boss what he can do with your job.

Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses.

Junk mail arrives the day it was sent.

Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

Just about the time when your income gets to the point where food prices don't matter, calories do.

On News Year's Eve, a th...

On News Year's Eve, a thin and bony husband is walking around in the house wearing only his boxers.

His wife comes out of the kitchen and says "Hey, the guests are gonna be here any minute. Go and put something on."

"Oh no, I won't," he says. "I want everybody to see how you feed your husband ..."

"Really? Then take your boxers off, too, and show everyone that there's nothing that I should feed you for."

Love is Blindness

A little boy was in his room playing with himself, when his father walked in.

"Son! If you masturbate too much, you're gonna go blind!"

"Dad," the boy said, "I'm over here."