Jokes of the day for Saturday, 01 August 2009

Q. How does a moulded fruit-fl...

Q. How does a moulded fruit-flavoured dessert answer the phone?

A. Jell-o!

Modern Definitions

The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

Good News, Bad News

After Friday prayers an Imam announced to the people:
"I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member BeliefnetSabee

Zack volunteered for military ...

Zack volunteered for military service during WWII. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot camp.

The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.

On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeros. Then climbing up to 20,000 feet he found 10 more Japanese plans and shot them all down, too. Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck.

He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the Captain.

Saluting smartly, he said, "Well, Sir, how did I do on my very first day?"

The Captain replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake."

A couple of jokes about marriage...

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Husband wanted'. Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?' And the father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'

Log Negative One Zero

Theorem: log(-1) = 0
Proof:
a. log[(-1)^2] = 2 * log(-1)
On the other hand:
b. log[(-1)^2] = log(1) = 0
Combining a) and b) gives:
2* log(-1) = 0
Divide both sides by 2:
log(-1) = 0

Sad sad Australians

An Aussie student was walking on campus one day when another Aussie rode up on a shiny new bicycle.

'Where did you get such a nice bike?' asked the first.

The second Aussie replied,

'Well, yesterday I was walking along minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,

"Take what you want."'

The first Aussie nodded approvingly.

'Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted.'

Blonde Paints a Porch

A blonde canvassed a wealthy neighborhood looking for odd jobs. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had anything for her to do.
Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?
How about $50?
The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
Youre finished already? he asked.
Yes, the blonde answered, and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
And by the way, the blonde added, thats not a Porch, its a Ferrari.

What happened to the man who p...

What happened to the man who put his false teeth in backwards?

Rejecting Pick-up Lines...

Rejecting Pick-up Lines

Guy: "Haven't we met before?"
Gal: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

Guy: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Gal: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Guy: "Want to Dance?"
Gal: "No, thank you."
Guy: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."

Guy: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Gal: "It's in the phone book."
Guy: "But I don't know your name."
Gal: That's in the phone book too.

Guy: "So what do you do for a living?"
Gal: "Female impersonator."

Guy: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Gal: "Unfertilized, go away!"

A graying man in his 60's approaches a twenty-something with "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."

Two young dudes are striding down the street and one glances at a girl who has just walked by. She turns around and sneers at him, "What are you looking at?" His friend comes to the rescue: "He thought you were good looking. Man, was he was mistak

Gal:"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

Guy: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!"
Gal: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

A blonde was driving down the ...

A blonde was driving down the road and she looks up and she sees a tree so she swerves to the left.
The tree is still nfront of her so she swerves to the right, this time her car rolls into the ditch.
When the Police Officer came to the scene of the accident the blonde told the Police Officer about the tree that was in front of her. The officer kindly explained that the tree was the green air freshener hanging off her rear view mirror.

Ten rea...

Ten reasons why employers should serve alcohol at work:

1 It reduces complaints about low pay.

2 It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

3 It eliminates holidays because people would rather come to work.

4 Employees work later instead of going to the pub.

5 Stops employees getting drunk on their lunch break.

6 Staff no longer need free coffee to sober up.

7 It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

8 It cuts down on time off because staff can work with a hangover.

9 Employees are a lot less likely to remember about promotion.

10 It leads to more honest communications.

A Hillbilly was involved in an...

A Hillbilly was involved in an accident.
The Trooper asked him, "Didn't you see that yield sign when you were merging onto the highway?"
The Hillbilly replied, "Ahh sure I did...and I did it...yup, I Yieeeld and Yieeeld at that there truck and he justa kepp on comin'!!!"

President Bush can't find...

President Bush can't find WMD in Iraq, and can't do anything about gas prices, so he's come out for "Intelligent Design".

I guess that shows that religion, not patriotism, is the last refuge of a politician.

A woman was walking alon...

A woman was walking along the sand on the NSW Central Coast, when she stumbled upon an old brass lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold, out popped a genie.

The genie said, "Hey Girl, waassup?"

The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. "Nope, just one wish. Due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So..what'll it be?"

Unhesitatingly, the woman said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other, now and forever."

The Genie looked at the map and shrieked, "Girrrll, I don't think so, not in my lifetime!! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm GOOD Honey, but not THAT GOOD. I don't think it can be done. So make another wish."

The woman's thought for a moment and said, "Well, I've never been able to find 'Mr. Right'. You know, a man who's considerate and fun, warm and affectionate, gorgeous, is well endowed, only wants sex with me, doesn't do drugs or drink too much, has a great job with a good income, loves to travel, goes to the theatre, likes to cook and help with the housecleaning, gets along with my family and tells me I always look fabulous, and is great in bed. That's what I wish for...the perfect guy to have as my lover."

The genie let out a long sigh, clutched his hand to his heart and said, "let me see that map again".

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HIRED THE WRONG KID TO MOW YOUR LAWN

10.He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag

9. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats

8. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher

7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head

6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher

5. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system

4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings

3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus

2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks

1. No toes