Jokes of the day for Sunday, 02 August 2009

a boy just started going out w...

a boy just started going out with a girl that he really liked. the girl said he was going to meet her parents. and if all went well, he would get lucky (if u know wat i mean. *winkwink*.... so the boy thought "if im gonna get lucky, i should get some condoms." so he went to a pharmacey to get a pack. when he was at the girls house that night, they bowed there heads in prayer. and even when they where done, the boy kept his head down the girl said:
i didnt know you were so religous..
the boy responded:
i didnt know your dad was a pharmecist...

Dilbert Quotes

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists:

Getting John to Quit

John was a loyal choir member, but he could not carry a tune. To make things worse, he sang loud and made others sing off key. Without success, the choir director had tried to discourage John from participating in the choir.
The choir director asked the pastor's help in getting John out of the choir. The pastor agreed to try. The pastor tried to find tasks and responsibilities that would interfere with John's attendance at choir rehearsal or keep him out of the choir loft on Sunday morning.
John, however, would not accept any of the tasks or responsibilities, stating that he would not shirk his duties as a loyal choir member.
Finally, the choir director gave the pastor an ultimatum, "Either you find a way to get John out of the choir or I will resign as choir director."
So, with much uneasiness, the pastor called upon John at home one evening and said, "John, I must ask you to drop out of the choir."
John was shocked and asked, "Why would you ask such a thing? We need all the singers we can get."
The pastor replied, "Well, John, people are complaining about your singing."
"How many?" was John's response.
Not wanting to be too harsh and admit that nearly everyone in the congregation had been complaining, the pastor said, "I've received more than a dozen complaints."
"I'm sorry, pastor, that's not enough. I've heard a lot more complaints about your preaching and you haven't quit yet."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member coltwise

Is that a dog in the back seat?

It was the end of the day when I parked my police car in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.

"Is that a dog you got in the back seat there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the car. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

Outrageous Lying

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.
The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too

Women Vs Condoms

What do women and condoms have in common?

They spend more time in your wallet then they do on your dick!

Submitted by TigersAngel6987

Edited by Curtis

2nd to 3rd

Why does it take longer to run from second base to third base than it takes to run from first to second? Because you have a short stop between second and third.

Q. How does a moulded fruit-fl...

Q. How does a moulded fruit-flavoured dessert answer the phone?

A. Jell-o!

Truly amazing st...

Truly amazing stuff!

An Anagram, as you know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever.

Dormitory:   Dirty Room

Evangelist:   Evil's Agent

Desperation:   A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code:   Here Come Dots

Slot Machines:   Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity:   Is No Amity

Mother-in-law:   Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms:   Alas! No More Z's

Alec Guinness:   Genuine Class

Semolina:   Is No Meal

The Public Art Galleries:   Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point:   I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes:   That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two:   Twelve plus one

Contradiction:   Accord not in it

A man with no arms and no legs...

A man with no arms and no legs is out lying on the beach one day, enjoying his chance to get some sun.

All of a sudden, a beautiful woman walks by and stops. "You poor man," she says. "I bet you've never been kissed have you?"

The man has to admit, no, he never has, so she bends down and plants a good one right on the mouth.

A few minutes later, another gorgeous babe walks up. "You look like you need a hug," she says.

He agrees that would be nice, she gives him a great one, and walks away. A few minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous girl walks by. She stops, a sultry
smile on her face and looks down at him.

"Mister," she says, "have you ever been fucked?"

"No," he says with a hopeful grin.

"Well, you are now, The tide's coming in."

Know Your Priorities....

A farmer was munching on a cookie, as he watches the rooster chase a hen around.

Playfully, the farmer throws a piece of cookie to the ground. Seeing it, the rooster stops chasing the hen and runs to the piece of cookie.

The farmer shakes his head slowly and says, "Gosh, I hope I never get THAT hungry."

A teenager comes home from sch...

A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would.

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of whores."

There once was pirate captain ...

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt.

After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.

"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."

"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon.

The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned and said, "Get my brown pants."

What's the difference between ...

What's the difference between a woman and a volcano? A volcano never fakes its eruptions.

More La...

More Laws of Work

1 Anyone can do any work provided it isn't what they're supposed to be doing.

2 Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the post.

3 If you're good, you'll get all the work. If you're really good, you'll avoid it.

4 A person's authority is inversely proportional to the number of pens they carry.

5 You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

6 The longer the title, the less important the job.

7 Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

8 Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.

9 The more pretentious a company name, the smaller the organisation.

10 Never ask two questions in memo. The reply will discuss only the unimportant one.