Jokes of the day for Friday, 24 October 2008
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 24 October 2008 |
Downsizing - Funny Jokes
Signs Your Company is Going to Downsize
10. Company Softball Team is converted to a Chess Club.
9. Dr. Kevorkian is hired as an “Outplacement Coordinator”.
8. Your best looking women in Marketing are suddenly very
friendly with the dorky Personnel Manager.
7. The beer supplied by the Company at picnics is Schlitz.
6. Weekly yard/bake sale at Corporate Headquarters.
5. Company President now driving a Ford Escort.
4. Annual Company Holiday Bash moved from the Sheraton to the
local Taco Bell.
3. Employee discount days at the local “Army & Navy Surplus
Store” are discontinued.
2. Dental plan now consists of a Company supplied kit (String,
pliers and 2 aspirin).
1. Your CEO has installed a dart board in his office marked
with all existing departments in the Company.
Remember folks, “We're not Downsizing, we're Rightsizing!!”
A man with no arms and no legs...
A man with no arms and no legs is out lying on the beach one day, enjoying his chance to get some sun.All of a sudden, a beautiful woman walks by and stops. "You poor man," she says. "I bet you've never been kissed have you?"
The man has to admit, no, he never has, so she bends down and plants a good one right on the mouth.
A few minutes later, another gorgeous babe walks up. "You look like you need a hug," she says.
He agrees that would be nice, she gives him a great one, and walks away. A few minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous girl walks by. She stops, a sultry
smile on her face and looks down at him.
"Mister," she says, "have you ever been fucked?"
"No," he says with a hopeful grin.
"Well, you are now, The tide's coming in."
Top Signs You're Bored at Work
You've already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for 2000.You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.
You've figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island.
You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs.
People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your ceiling.
No longer content with merely photocopying your butt, you now scan and enhance it with Photoshop.
You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarfs.
The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.
A Vicks Rub
Mr. ...
A Vicks Rub
Mr. Combs had a furniture store specializing in ornate antiques in the baroque style. He had pneumonia last month but was at the store anyway. He was in one of the baroque style chairs rubbing Vicks Vaporub on his aching chest when he serendipitously discovered that the soothing ointment gave the furniture a wonderful, deep, rich shine.
He immediately told the other furniture store owners since their furniture was more modern in style and they were not competitors. Soon he got reports that the Vicks treatment not only failed to work on the modern furniture, but ruined some of it. Mr. Combs is very unpopular now, and his only consolation is that he learned one important rule:
If it ain't baroque, don't Vicks it.
Why did the cannibal want to l...
Why did the cannibal want to live on his own? He was fed up with other people.A Collection Of Insults
I hear you are a real humanitarian. You have kept three or four detectives working regularly.
I hear you are connected to the Police Department -- by a pair of handcuffs.
Hello -- tall, dark and obnoxious!
You remind me of the ocean -- you make me sick.
You should have been born in the Dark Ages; you look terrible in the light.
All of your ancestors must number in the millions; it's hard to believe thatmany people are to blame for producing you.
Ever since I saw you in your family tree, I've wanted to cut it down.
I hear that when you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you, but the Mafia wanted too much.
They just invented a new coffin just for you that goes over the head. It's for people who are dead from the neck up.
After hearing you talk, I now know that the dead do contact us.
You are so two-faced that any woman who married you would be married to a bigamist.
I always wanted to be a trouble-shooter, but now I see you are not worth it!
difference between titanic and yo mamma
Do you know what the difference between yo momma and the titanic?The titanic sunk, yo momma floats.
Chastity Belt
A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, "If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life."So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. "What's wrong," he asks.
"You gave me the wrong key!"
...
A student received a software ...
A student received a software package from his friend. But, he didn't have a computer.The label on the package said that the software required "Windows 3.1 or better."
So, he bought a Macintosh.
A few short jokes for a mid-week laugh
Doctor: Your body has run out of magnesium.
Me: 0Mg
"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
No sun.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Sad news at the Nestle factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath... He tried in vain to attract attention,
but every time he shouted "The milky bars are on me"
everyone cheered
What starts with a Y and ends with an X?
Dyslexia
Can You Hear Him?
On his first day back to work after the birth of his son, Randy's supervisor said, "I understand you have a new youngster at your house?"
Randy glanced around apprehensively, "For heaven's sake, you can't hear him all the way out here, can you?"
Boarding From What Gate?
At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.
So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.
While taxiing at London's Gat...
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a U.S. Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the U.S. Air crew, screaming: "U.S. Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, U.S. Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of U.S. Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"