Jokes of the day for Monday, 19 October 2009
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 19 October 2009 |
Whenever I visit the lavatory ...
Whenever I visit the lavatory I get nostalgic. The feeling can be best described as an overwhelming sense of urining.A woman was watching her husba...
A woman was watching her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that is going to help."
"Sure it will," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers..."
Clocks in Heaven
A man died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greets him and says, "Welcome. Come walk with me and I'll show you where you'll be staying."
As they're walking along the path he notices clocks on the Golden Fence of Heaven. He asks St. Peter, "What are all those clocks for?"
St. Peter replies, "They’re clocks for every person in the world. They click once for each time you lie."
By the time they reach where the man is staying, he asks out of curiosity, "I didn't see any politicians’ clocks. Where are they kept?"
St. Peter calmly replies, "People here use them as fans."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Jalus
A woman was very distraught at...
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr Chang, the well known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him.Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did. Dr Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Confused, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied,"Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."
Two penguins...
A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."
"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.
The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.
"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."
"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a great time! Today I am taking them to the beach."
Yo Momma So Stupid
yo momma so stupid that she is always standing on the corner handing out potato chips yelling free lays.yo momma is so stupid that when the teacher told her to do an essay, she went and screwed a mexican.
yo momma so stupid that when they told her to do a colage, she said collage?, i didnt even graduate from highschool how am i supposed to do that.
yo momma so stupid that she sits on the tv nd watches the couch.
Rodeo Sex
The following procedure describes the proper execution of the activity known as Rodeo Sex:First you undress your wife (or favorite female friend) and put her down on all fours.
You then also undress and mount up from behind.
Next, with your left hand, you hold on to her left boob.
Your right hand is held waiving in the air.
At this time you lean forward and whisper in her ear "you know, your sister likes to do it this way too.." then you hold on as long as you can.
ATTORNEY: So the date of con...
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
A guy goes to see the doctor...
A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's a little too well-endowed. In fact, it's 25 inches long and he can't get any women to have sex with him. Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help.
The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."
Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Frog, will you marry me?"
The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."
The guy looks down and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?"
The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"
Zappo! -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Frog, will you marry me?"
The irritated frog yells back, "Look..how many times do I have to tell you? No, No, NO!"
Kittens
A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.
"How did you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it was printed on the bottom."
35 New Halloween jokes from 2023
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange or Nec-tarines?
Where do mummies go if they want to swim?
The Dead Sea!
Why don't vampires eat cows?
They don't like stakes.
Who did Frankenstein’s monster bring to prom?
His ghoulfriend.
Why didn't the police arrest the zombie?
He couldn't be taken alive.
How do ghosts drink their coffee?
With scream and sugar.
How many real vampires are there?
None. Unless you count Dracula.
What's a ghost's favorite dessert?
Ice scream sandwich.
Why did the ghost quit his job?
They kept making him work the graveyard shift.
Tired of new jokes? We have big collection of older Halloween jokes
Why do witches wear name tags?
To tell which witch is which.
How do skeletons start their cars?
With skeleton keys.
What did one casket say to the sick casket?
Is that you coughin'?
What did one casket say to the other casket?
Is that you, coffin?
Why don't ghosts take showers?
They only like boo-ble baths.
Why did Dracula go to art school?
He wanted to learn how to draw blood.
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
What did the corpse's mom do when she got mad at him?
She grounded him.
What kind of ship does Dracula have?
A blood vessel.
What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist?
He was repossessed.
What do you call two witches living together?
Broommates.
Why didn't the mom let the little witch go trick or treating with her friends?
She was ex-spelled from school.
What kind of dessert does a monster like?
I-scream!
Why don't monsters eat popcorn with their fingers?
They eat fingers separately.
When do zombies finish trick or treating?
When they are dead tired.
Where do movie stars go on Halloween?
Mali-boo.
Who does a mummy take on a date?
Any girl he can dig up.
What does a zombie wear to make their eyes pop?
Ma-scare-a!
He only had one pupil!
What kind of car does Frankenstein drive on Halloween night?
A monster truck.
What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A stake sandwich.
Why wouldn’t Dracula’s kids laugh at his jokes?
Because they all sucked.
Who are some of the werewolves' cousins?
The whatwolves and the whenwolves.
