Join us on
WhatsApp
Join us on
Telegram
Join us on
Viber

Jokes of the day for Monday, 19 October 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 19 October 2009

Child Support

A blond man frantically calls 911 and says, "Help...my wife has gone into labor and her contractions are 10 minutes apart".
The 911 operator asks, "is this her first child?"
To which the blond replies, "Of course not, you idiot...this is her husband".
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Whenever I visit the lavatory ...

Whenever I visit the lavatory I get nostalgic. The feeling can be best described as an overwhelming sense of urining.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

A woman was watching her husba...

A woman was watching her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that is going to help."

"Sure it will," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers..."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (3)

“I’d like to order a bar p...

“I’d like to order a bar pizza,” the idiot says.
“Shall I ask them to cut it into six or twelve slices,” the barmaid asks.
“Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.”
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.80/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (5)

Clocks in Heaven

A man died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greets him and says, "Welcome. Come walk with me and I'll show you where you'll be staying."
As they're walking along the path he notices clocks on the Golden Fence of Heaven. He asks St. Peter, "What are all those clocks for?"
St. Peter replies, "They’re clocks for every person in the world. They click once for each time you lie."
By the time they reach where the man is staying, he asks out of curiosity, "I didn't see any politicians’ clocks. Where are they kept?"
St. Peter calmly replies, "People here use them as fans."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Jalus

#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 3.80/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (5)

A woman was very distraught at...

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr Chang, the well known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did. Dr Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Confused, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied,"Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (6)

Two penguins...

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"

The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven't had a clue."

The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."

"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."

"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a great time! Today I am taking them to the beach."

#joke #animal #penguin
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 7.00/10

Rating: 7.0/10 (3)

Yo Momma So Stupid

yo momma so stupid that she is always standing on the corner handing out potato chips yelling free lays.
yo momma is so stupid that when the teacher told her to do an essay, she went and screwed a mexican.
yo momma so stupid that when they told her to do a colage, she said collage?, i didnt even graduate from highschool how am i supposed to do that.
yo momma so stupid that she sits on the tv nd watches the couch.
#joke #food #potato
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.56/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (9)

Iron Phone

A blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor, who asked what had happened. The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron. What about the other one? They called back.
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 5.25/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (4)

What happened when the...

What happened when the hyena swallowed an Oxo cube? He became a laughing stock!
Hilary Rae
How do young wizards and witches correct their homework?
They use a spell-checker.
#joke #short #animal #hyena
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

Rodeo Sex

The following procedure describes the proper execution of the activity known as Rodeo Sex:

First you undress your wife (or favorite female friend) and put her down on all fours.

You then also undress and mount up from behind.

Next, with your left hand, you hold on to her left boob.

Your right hand is held waiving in the air.

At this time you lean forward and whisper in her ear "you know, your sister likes to do it this way too.." then you hold on as long as you can.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 20 May 2009
  • Currently 5.64/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (11)

ATTORNEY: So the date of con...

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 19 April 2009
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (8)

Seven Degrees Of Blonde

ONE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. Thewife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."

TWO

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." the second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOUR

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIVE

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

SIX

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously,

she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"

"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...."

"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

SEVEN

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K_9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K_9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (9)

Grandma!

A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "QUEEN SIZE".

He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Granny, YOU wear the same size as our bed!"

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 7.06/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (17)

Little Johnny and the math teacher...

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!"

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 7.59/10

Rating: 7.6/10 (17)

Jokes Archive

NOTE: All jokes on this web site are property of the sites they are collected from. Web site Jokes of the day is not responsible for content of jokes. We are not trying to offend, just looking for a good laugh!! If you are offended by any of the jokes, please complain to the site jokes are coming from.
This site uses cookies to store information on your computer. Some are essential to help the site properly. Others give us insight into how the site is used and help us to optimize the user experience. See our privacy policy.