Jokes of the day for Monday, 19 October 2009
|Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 19 October 2009
Child SupportA blond man frantically calls 911 and says, "Help...my wife has gone into labor and her contractions are 10 minutes apart".
The 911 operator asks, "is this her first child?"
To which the blond replies, "Of course not, you idiot...this is her husband".
Whenever I visit the lavatory ...Whenever I visit the lavatory I get nostalgic. The feeling can be best described as an overwhelming sense of urining.
A woman was watching her husba...A woman was watching her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.
Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that is going to help."
"Sure it will," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers..."
â€œIâ€™d like to order a bar p...â€œIâ€™d like to order a bar pizza,â€ the idiot says.
â€œShall I ask them to cut it into six or twelve slices,â€ the barmaid asks.
â€œSix, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.â€
Clocks in Heaven
A man died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greets him and says, "Welcome. Come walk with me and I'll show you where you'll be staying."
As they're walking along the path he notices clocks on the Golden Fence of Heaven. He asks St. Peter, "What are all those clocks for?"
St. Peter replies, "Theyâ€™re clocks for every person in the world. They click once for each time you lie."
By the time they reach where the man is staying, he asks out of curiosity, "I didn't see any politiciansâ€™ clocks. Where are they kept?"
St. Peter calmly replies, "People here use them as fans."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Jalus
A woman was very distraught at...A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr Chang, the well known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did. Dr Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Confused, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied,"Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."
A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."
"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.
The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.
"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."
"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a great time! Today I am taking them to the beach."
Yo Momma So Stupidyo momma so stupid that she is always standing on the corner handing out potato chips yelling free lays.
yo momma is so stupid that when the teacher told her to do an essay, she went and screwed a mexican.
yo momma so stupid that when they told her to do a colage, she said collage?, i didnt even graduate from highschool how am i supposed to do that.
yo momma so stupid that she sits on the tv nd watches the couch.
What happened when the...What happened when the hyena swallowed an Oxo cube? He became a laughing stock!
How do young wizards and witches correct their homework?
They use a spell-checker.
Rodeo SexThe following procedure describes the proper execution of the activity known as Rodeo Sex:
First you undress your wife (or favorite female friend) and put her down on all fours.
You then also undress and mount up from behind.
Next, with your left hand, you hold on to her left boob.
Your right hand is held waiving in the air.
At this time you lean forward and whisper in her ear "you know, your sister likes to do it this way too.." then you hold on as long as you can.
ATTORNEY: So the date of con...ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
Ron, an elderly man in Australia, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond at the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Dyslexic clairvoyant nurseHear about the dyslexic clairvoyant nurse who didn't bother to charge for her services, because she could fee into the suture?
A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.
"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"
"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."
He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."
Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says.
She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."
"Why?" he asks.
"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!"