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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 22 December 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 22 December 2009

Lazy Boy Decline

A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the exam was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor said, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 5.25/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (4)

There where two snakes talking...

There where two snakes talking.

The first one said, "Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until they're dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisoned?"

Then the second Snake says, "Why do you ask?"

The first one replies, "I just bit my lip."
#joke #animal #snake
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 6.38/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (8)

Just cut your hair first

A young man comes home and says "Dad, just got my driver's license and would like to use the family car."
Father replies: "O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we'll see."
Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. "Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?"
Father replies, "That's all true, but son you didn't cut your hair."
Son says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair."
Father replies, "Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went."
Joke | Source: Daily Jokes - A Clean Joke Everyday!
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

Funny Photo of the day - Silverado Harvest

Silverado Harvest | Source : Jokes - Funny daily jokes
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (9)

A college student picked up hi...

A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works. Finally he asked her,
"Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"
"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."
#joke #drinks #champagne
Joke | Source: Laughspot - Free Daily Jokes, Ecards, & Games
  • Currently 4.59/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (71)

I have a weakness for Japanese...

I have a weakness for Japanese soup. Guess that makes me a misochist.
#joke #short #food #soup
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 5.17/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (6)

Tony was a pianist and was pra...

Tony was a pianist and was practicing late one night. There was a tap on the door, when he opened it his landlord was standing outside the door. He asked; “do you know there is a sick lady upstairs?"
Tony answered, “no, I haven’t heard that song. Can you please hum it a little?"
#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (7)

A little girl is sitting on he...

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.
"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.
"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.
"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"
#joke #food #honey
Joke | Source: Jokes of The day - Used to be - Australian Joke of the day - site changed purpose and no longer serves jokes
  • Currently 8.15/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (41)

Horse Auction

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom..."
#joke #animal #horse
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 6.10/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (10)

"So I rang up my local sw...

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
#joke #short #sport #swimming
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 3.25/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (4)


Q: How does a bagel protect itself?

A: It puts on locks.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (4)

What do you get if you cross a...

What do you get if you cross a centipede and a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#joke #short #animal #parrot
Joke | Source: - Joke of the day
  • Currently 2.89/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (9)

Question Answer 06

What lights up a football stadium?
A football match!
If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls?
Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space?
Because there is no atmosphere!
Where do spiders play their FA Cup final?
Webley stadium!
When fish play football, who is the captain?
The team's kipper!
Ref: I'm sending you off
Player: What for?
Ref: The rest of the match!
Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market?
They tend to go cheep!
What is a goal keepers favourite snack?
Beans on post!

#joke #animal #bird #fish #food #beans #sport #football
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.63/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (8)

An Iowan Visits Arkansas

This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white


Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and

the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around

here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell

is a taxidermist?"

The guy says "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's

OK boys, he's one of us!"

#joke #walksintoabar #animal #drinks #wine
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (7)

Donkeys at Christmas

What do donkeys send out near Christmas? Mule-tide greetings.
#joke #short #christmas #animal #donkey #mule
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

Letters from Little Girls to God

Dear God,
Thank you for the baby brother, but I prayed for a puppy.
Dear God,
My father told me about being born, but that doesn't sound right. He was kidding, right?
Dear God,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
Dear God,
Did you really mean, "Do unto others as they do unto you?" Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother!
Dear God,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School they said you did it. So I bet he stole your idea.
Dear God,
I bet it is very hard for you to love all of the people in the whole world. There are only four people in our whole family and I can never do it.
Dear God,
If we come back as something else, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her.
Dear God,
In Bible times did they really talk that fancy?
Dear God,
What does it mean you are a jealous God? I thought you had everything.
Dear God,
It rained for our whole vacation and my father was mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you won't hurt him anyway.
Your friend (I'm not going to tell You my name.)
- Joke shared on Beliefnet's Religious Humor page

#joke #animal #giraffe
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 08 September 2009
  • Currently 5.23/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (13)

Lightbulb Joke Collection 40

Q: How many body builders/weightlifters does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: 6. One to change it and 5 to say "Man, you've got huge muscles !"

Q: How many Sun readers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.

Q: How many Sun readers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None, but one is enough to screw up the joke.

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: Duh.... whats a lightbulb???

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: It depends how many blondes there are, but some people prefer it with the lights off.

Q: How many poltergeists does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: Three. One to unscrew the old bulb and drop it on the floor, one to put the new bulb in, and one to move a few more things about just for good measure.

Q: How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: There is nothing to change.

Q: How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Sod it, we're all gonna die anyway.

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 22 December 2008
  • Currently 4.78/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (9)

A man and his son were standin...

A man and his son were standing in line at the bank. In front of them was a very large woman. The boy tugged on his father's pant leg and said "My God dad, she's really fat".

"Be quiet and don't embarrass me" replied the father.

Then all of a sudden the woman's pager goes off and the boy furiously pulls at his father and says, "DADDY! WATCH OUT! SHE'S BACKING UP!"
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 22 December 2008
  • Currently 4.11/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (9)

A Very Bad Day


A Very Bad Day

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 22 December 2008
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (6)

Like a Bull!

A man and his wife were on a train passing through farm country. As the train slowed down they saw a bull mounting one cow after another. The wife turned to her husband and remonstrated.

"Why aren't you men capable of doing things that way?"

"My dear," he answered, "we can if you let us change cows each time!"

#joke #animal #cow #bull
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 22 December 2008
  • Currently 6.20/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (5)

Where does Father Christmas go...

Where does Father Christmas go to try and get fit?
An elf farm

Tony White, Loanhead
If you have a joke you would like to share with us e-mail: letters_en@edinburgh

The full article contains 39 words and appears in Edinburgh Evening News newspaper.
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Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 22 December 2008
  • Currently 4.75/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (4)

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