Jokes of the day for Saturday, 09 January 2010

A guy enters a drugstore and l...

A guy enters a drugstore and lights up a cigar.

The owner, a bit outraged, says, "Sir, please refrain from smoking here, it is a public place."

A bit bewildered, the guy answers, "But it is only yesterday I bought those cigars here."

The owner quietly replies, "Irrelevant, sir, we also sell condoms here!"

Dealing With a Lawyer in Heaven #joke #humor

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

A blonde was hard up for money...

A blonde was hard up for money, so she walked around her neighborhood, trying to find a job.
She met a nice man who said he would give her work. All she had to do was paint his porch white. He gave her a bucket of paint and left.
He walked into his house, laughing. He told his brunette wife what he had done. "Frank, our porch covers half of the house! You're so mean." his wife replied. Three hours later, the blonde went in the house, and gave the bucket of white paint back to the man.
The astonished man handed her a $100 bill, and asked how she finished it so quickly.
"It takes time, but it was easy." was her reply. "Oh, and it's a Ferrari, not a Porsche."

Which reptile always says hell...

Which reptile always says hello?

A guy walks into Dunkin’ Donut...

A guy walks into Dunkin’ Donuts. He says. “Excuse me; miss … how many cups of coffee do you think this thermos will hold?” The girl says, “I think it’s a seven-cup thermos.” The guy says, “All right …. Give me two black, three cream and sugar.”

The preacher's Sunday sermon w...

The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies" She asked,
"How many have forgiven your enemies?" About half held up their hands.
She repeated the question, now about 80% raised their hands.
She repeated the question again, all raised their hands except one elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any" she responded.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three" she replied.
"Mrs. Jones, would you please come forward and explain to the
congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, and said:.................................................
"It's easy. I just outlived those bitches."

Jesus Walks Into a Hotel

Jesus walks into a hotel, slaps three nails down on the counter, and says, “Can you put me up for the night?”
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member EyesoftheWorld

A blonde, a redhead, and brune...

A blonde, a redhead, and brunette decided to go on a hike. The redhead said, "I brought water, so in case we get thirsty, we will have something to drink." And she started up the hill.

The brunette said, "I brought food, so in case we get hungry, we will have something to eat." And she started up the hill.

The brunette and the redhead turned around and asked the blonde, "What'd you bring?"

The blonde said, "I brought a car door. In case we get hot, we can roll down the window.

Japanese Food

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the Heck did you put on this pizza?" The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only."

A CUSTOMER walks into a restau...

A CUSTOMER walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: "£500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!"

How Old Are You?

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.

Strange people are here

There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in.

After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life.

'I'm fine, ' Angus said. 'But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time.'

'Well, ma laddie,' says his mother, 'I suggest you don't associate with people like that.'

'Oh,' says Angus, 'I don't, Mam, I don't. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes.'

Art Gallery Nudes

A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesnt like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking. The wife asks, What are you waiting for? The husband replies, Autumn.

What has two humps at the Nort...

What has two humps at the North Pole?

A blond guy gets home early fr...

A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's wrong?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten bastard" says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"