Jokes of the day for Monday, 11 January 2010
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 11 January 2010 |
Can’t Get it Down
A guy had been suffering with a priapism for several days. No amount of sex would make him lose his erection. He went to the pharmacy and asked the lady behind the counter if he might get a word with the pharmacist.She was a little pissed off at his assumption. "Sir, I am the pharmacist."
"No," he explained, "I need to speak to a male pharmacist."
"Sir," she repeated, "I am the pharmacist, my sister is also a pharmacist, we own this store. I would consider it a personal & professional compliment if you would ask me any question that you might ask of a male pharmacist.
Our hero was long on pecker, but short of words with embarrassment. He whipped out a 14 inch purple helmeted soldier of passion. "O.K. Lady, what can you give me for this....."
Now it was her turn to be embarrassed, "Um,Um, excuse me Sir. I must consult with my sister." She disappeared into the back.
She came back a minute later still red-faced. "We can give you $600 for a great weekend and half interest in the store."
"What time does the library op...
"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked."Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."
Blonde Car Accident #joke #humor
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
One night, as a couple lay ...
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
Do rowdy sea creatures have ba...
Do rowdy sea creatures have barnacle fistfights?Three vampires walk into a bar...
Three vampires walk into a bar. The bartender looks at him suspiciously, but decides to serve them anyway. "What’ll be, boys?"The first vampire says "Blood. Give me blood."
The second vampire says "I too wish for blood!"
The third vampire says "Give me plasma."
The Bartender smiles and says "Got it. Two bloods, and a blood-light."
Q: What's the difference betwe...
Q: What's the difference between the 1960's and the 2000's?A: In the 2000's, a guy goes into a chemist shop and shouts, "Give me a box of condoms!" ... and then whispers to the shop assistant, "Oh, and slip in a packet of cigarettes, too.
Five Rules For Men
Five Rules For Men To Follow To a Happy Life: 1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home,* * who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you* * laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust* * and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed* * and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women* * do not know each other.*
One day Little Johnny yelled o...
One day Little Johnny yelled out in public, "George Bush is the biggest asshole in the entire history of mankind!"The police overheard it and put Little Johnny in jail for 10 years.
When Little Johnny came out, he asked, "Why did you put me in jail so long?!"
The police answered, "I put you in one month for insulting the president. The 9 years and 11 months was for saying confidential information."
Only 25 cents!
One night a man was walking homewards when a thief jumped on him all of a sudden. Man and the thief were caught in a terrific tussle. They rolled about on the ground, and the man put up a tremendous fight, until at last the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground. The thief then went through the mans pockets and searched him all over. There was only a 25-cents coin he could lay his hands on.
The thief was so surprised at this that he asked the man why he had bothered to fight so hard just for a 25-cents.
"Was that all you wanted?" said the man, "I thought you were after the five-hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"
A+ story
A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible.The short story had to contain the following three things;
(1) Religion
(2) Sexuality
(3) Mystery.
There was only one A+ paper in the entire class.
Below is the A+ short story:
Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it.
Submitted by axelwang
Edited by Curtis
A CUSTOMER walks into a restau...
A CUSTOMER walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: "£500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!"Ant And A Grasshopper
THE ORIGINAL VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
MODERN CANADIAN VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come the winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
The CBC shows up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. Canadians are stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Then a representative of the NAGB (The national association of green bugs) shows up on The National and charges the ant with green bias, and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. Kermit the Frog appears on the Nature of Things with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings "It's not easy being green.
"Jean Chretien makes a special guest appearance on the CBC Evening News to tell a concerned public that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan/Thatcher summers. Sheila Copps exclaims in an interview with Peter Mansbridge that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."
Finally, the Liberals draft the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. John Turner gets his law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal hearing officers that Chretien appointed from a list of single-parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3 PM.
The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow.
And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Jean Chretien standing before a wildly applauding group of liberals announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in Canada.
Do Cats Go to Heaven?
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."
The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"
The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"
Fun at the zoo!
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
I was out walking with my 4 ye...
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that."Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"
"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.
Happy New Year…Is Everybody Happy!!!??? (Author A. Nonymous)
Hi, this is Stephanie's answering machine.
If you're the phone company asking for money, stop bugging her, she'll send it sooner or later. If you're a TV company advertising TVs, she already has a TV with every channel known to man, and several known to monkeys.
If you called for any other reasons, please hang up the phone, start screaming, and run to the nearest shoe store. When you get there, ask them for a cheeseburger. (This probably won't help you, but we'll always have something to laugh about when we're bored.)
