Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 20 January 2010

Hit-and-Run Accident Scene

So, while reporting a hit-and-run accident scene, the first policeman says to the second, "OK: body on the road, hands on the road, legs on the road, head on the median."
His partner writes, stops, thinks for a moment, then asks, "How do you spell 'median'?"
So the first policeman looks around, kicks the head and says, "Head on the road."

A man returned from vacation f...

A man returned from vacation feeling very ill. He went to see his doctor, and the doctor has him immediately rushed to the hospital for a range of tests. The man woke up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bedside was ringing. "This is your doctor," said the voice on the other end. "We've reviewed the results of your tests and we've found you have a very nasty virus, which is extremely contagious."

"Oh my gosh! What are you going to do, doctor?"

"We're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes and pita bread."

"Will that cure me?"

"No, but it's the only food we can slide under the door."

Jenny Craig For Men

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program..
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.' Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up..
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone... 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'
He lost 63 pounds that week.

Gift for Your Birthday #joke #humor

A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life.

That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.

As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.

The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.

Religious suicide bombers? Som...

Religious suicide bombers? Some of these wacky terrorists have been smoking the koranic.

Trying to come to the aid of h...

Trying to come to the aid of his Dad, who was stopped by an officer for speeding, the mischievous child piped up, “Yeah? Well, if we were speeding, so were you!”

When a waitress brought a ...

When a waitress brought a man the soup du jour, the patron was dismayed and asked, "What's this?" "It's bean soup," she replied. "I don't care what's it's been," he roared. "What is it now?"
-- Australian and New Zealand Reader's Digest

Jewish Country Songs

* Honkey Tonk Nights On The Golden Heigh lo
* I Was One Of The Chosen People ‘Til She Chose Somebody Else
* Stand By Your Merch
* I'm Crying In The Manischewitz
* The Shikoas Gonna Hit The Fan!
* Four Thousand Years Of Sufferin' And I Had To Go And Marry You
* Eighteen Wheels And A Dozen Latkes
* You've Been Talkin' Hebrew In Your Sleep Since The Rabbi's Come To Town
* You Picked A Fine Time To Leave Me Schiemiel
* Yippee Ko Yi Oy!
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Jalus

Bob is a regular guy and he is...

Bob is a regular guy and he is out at a local bar one night having a good time. Jack, the bartender and owner of the bar, offered him another drink and as he did Bob spoke up.

'Hey Jack, you're a betting kinda man aren't ya?'

'Maybe Bob, what did ya have in mind.'

'Well Jack, I will bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at the end of your bar and piss into it without spilling a drop.'

Jack thought to himself, 'This guy must be a complete moron. There is no way he is gonna make that. This is gonna be the easiest grand I've ever made.'

'Okay Bob. you're on.' Jack walked down to the other end of the bar and positioned a shot glass on the end. He walked back behind the bar and said, 'Okay Bob, Let's see what you got.'

Bob unzipped his fly and staring pissing all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottle of booze, and all over Jack.

Jack roared with laughter and almost fell over. Then he noticed that Bob was sitting at the bar smiling. 'What are you smiling at jackass, you just lost $1,000.'

'Well Bob, ya see that guy over there in the cowboy hat writing out a check.'

'Yeah, what about him.'

'Well I just bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your booze and you, and not only wouldn't you be mad, you would laugh hysterically about it.'

The Gift

Upon getting to work one morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is reminded by his secretary that it's his wife's birthday today. At lunch, Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for her.

Unfortunately, he realizes that life has been good and she has everything she needs. Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life. He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young.

Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has. Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife.

Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it. He'll wait in the kitchen. His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom.

Once the package is opened she realizes that this is something she has never had before. She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination. She thinks for a moment and then decides that she'll really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes on at all. So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark naked. She calls out, 'Marvin, come out to the hallway and look.'

Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims, 'All that money and they didn't even iron it.'

This Wife Is Too Jealous

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"
The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"

After the Office Party

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday.

Flies in a Lightbulb

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, but I dont know how they got in there.

Why do Morris dancers wear bel...

Why do Morris dancers wear bells?
So they can annoy blind people as well.

Once upon a time there was a n...

Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow.The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings!

Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing.

Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.

The Moral of the Story:

Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy

Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.

And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.

I think Cheney is starting to lose...

"I think Cheney is starting to lose it. After he shot the guy he screamed, 'Anyone else want to call domestic wire tapping illegal?'" -- Jay Leno

Why was the supermodel happy t...

Why was the supermodel happy that she finished a jigsaw puzzle in only six months? Because on the box, it said "3-6 years."

Shhhhh....

A woman who plays cards once a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 11:30.

One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.

"Darn it woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"

Another...

Another Lesson in Managment

A crow was sitting on a tree doing nothing all day.

A small rabbit saw the crow and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered, "Of course, help youself."

So the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested.

Suddenly a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing you must be sitting very, very high up.