Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 02 March 2010
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 02 March 2010 |
Lion Tamer
Two unemployed guys.... are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."
"Yes I do!"
"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"
"I'll take that big chair they all carry, and I'll stick it in his face until he backs down."
"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"
"I'll take that whip they all carry, and I'll whip him and whip him until he backs down."
"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"
"I'll take that gun they all carry, and shoot him."
"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"
"I'll pick up some of the sh*t that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage."
"Well, what if there ain't no sh*t in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"
"You ain't thinkin' none to clear - cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some sh*t on the bottom of that cage. You can bet on that!"
True Mother-in-Law
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they argued before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall cut the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.""Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to cut him in two!" exclaimed the king's advisor.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
A group of hikers were being l...
A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide. On the third day, the hikers noticed that they had been travelling in circles."We're lost!" One of the men complained. "I thought you said you were the best guide in the United States."
"I am," the guide answered, "but I think we may have wandered into Canada."
Gone to Heaven
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat "you lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know". The cat thinks for a moment and says "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says "say no more" and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
Several days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again there is the Lord there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says "say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him "How are things since you are here?" The cat stretches and yawns and replies "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"
A linguistics professor was le...
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."Then a voice from the back of the room piped up: "Yeah, right."
A Guy was staying in a fancy h...

"Well," replied the swimmer, "lots of people do that."
"True," answered the manager, "but you did it from the diving board."
A Frenchman who was leaving hi...
A Frenchman who was leaving his Parisian home for a few weeks confided in his friend, Pierre, "I always hate leaving my wife for so long like this. When I'm away, I just don't know what she is doing. There's always the doubt, always the doubt.Pierre said, "Charles, I'll tell you what. Because we're such close friends, I'll keep an eye on her every evening that you're gone."
"You would do that for me, Pierre?" Charles said, relieved. "Oh thank you so very much. I know I really should trust my wife. But it's just that there's always the doubt, always the doubt."
So Charles went off on his business trip and returned to Paris three weeks later. The two men met again.
"Charles, I'm afraid I have bad news for you," Pierre said.
"Well?"
"The very first night you were gone, I watched this man go to your house. Your wife opened the door naked and kissed and hugged him. He fondled her breasts. He rubbed her crotch. Then they closed the door to go upstairs. Never daunted, I climbed up the tree outside your house and watched them in the bedroom.
"And so...?" inquired Charles.
"Well, first they took off all their clothes. Incidentally, my dear friend, your wife has a lovely body."
"She does indeed," said Charles thoughtfully. "What happened then?"
"Then?" Pierre shook his head sorrowfully. "Then is when they turned out the light. I could see nothing. I could learn nothing more."
Charles sighed a deep sigh. "So you see how it is, my friend? Always the doubt, always the doubt."
You got the warning
Finding one of her students making faces atothers on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to
gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher
said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told
if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and
I would stay like that."
Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith,
you can't say you weren't warned."
Superman
My uncle had surgery and became a superman, and then the anesthetic wore off.Running red lights...
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it; I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
Tired of his low approval rati...
Tired of his low approval ratings, President Clinton called up the head of the CIA and said, "I want your very best agent over here first thing in the morning."Moments later, a call went out to the Middle East, and the most gifted American agent was headed back to Washington.
The next morning, the agent was escorted into the Oval Office. The President said, "I hear you're the best in the business. I can't trust what my staff tells me.
So I want you to visit every state in the union, every major city. I want you to stay out on the road until you have an idea of what the vast majority of Americans would like to see happen in the Oval Office. Understand?"
The CIA agent responded affirmatively. He left the White House and wasn't heard from for nearly four months. Finally, he showed up early on a Saturday morning, and the President saw him immediately.
The President said, "Did you find out what an overwhelming majority of Americans want done here in this office?"
"Yes, sir."
"Well, then, express the will of the people," Clinton ordered.
So the agent stood up, pulled out a gun, and shot him.
Purchasing furniture
I work as a systems administrator, and part of m job involves answering questions about computers. I generally like my job, but sometimes it gets on my nerves. When people ask me what I find so irritating, this is what I tell them:Imagine that you are a salesperson for Ikea (substitute "furniture store" if you don't know what "Ikea" is). You get a phone call that goes like this.
Customer: I'd like to buy a kitchen table.
You: That's fine; we have many styles of kitchen tables, I'm sure you can find one you like.
C: I need one that's 3 feet by 5 feet and has a butcher block top.
Y: Yes, we have a table like that. You can pick it up today.
C: OK, how can I get it back to my house?
Y: Well, it comes disassembled, so you can just put it on a roof rack. We can loan you a roof rack if you don't have one.
C: But how do get there?
Y: We're just off exit 25 of the Turnpike. Where are you coming from?
C: Wait, wait, you're going way too fast for me. I have a Ford in my driveway, and the keys are in my hand. What do I do next?
And, whatever you say at this point, the response is always the same:
C: But all I want is a kitchen table! Why does it have to be so *COMPLICATED*!
Potential & Reality
A kid asks his father for help on a writing assignment. Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?His father looks up thoughtfully and says, Ill demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what youve learned.
The kid is puzzled, but asks his mother. Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?
Dont tell your father, but, yes, I would.
He then goes to his sisters room. Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?
She replies, Omigod! Definitely!
The kid goes back to his father. Dad, I think Ive figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on $2 million bucks, but in reality, were living with two sluts.