Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 11 May 2010

I am comforted by porcelain gn...

I am comforted by porcelain gnomes. In a way they're like my garden angels.

The economy is so bad that:If ...

The economy is so bad that:If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Anal Glaucoma

Another new Illness to watch out for ...
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"So, what's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"And what the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I just can't see my ass coming into work today."

After having their 11th child,...

After having their 11th child, an Arkansas couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Arkansas), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Arkansan said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

1, 2, 3, 4, 5

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Mississippi and Alabama.

Easy diagnosis....

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

Fighting Irish Humor

McNally was taking his first plane ride, flying over the Rocky Mountains. The stewardess handed him a piece of chewing gum. "It's to keep your ears from popping at high altitudes," she explains.
When the plane landed McNally rushed up to her. "Miss," he said,
"I'm meetin' me wife right away. How do I get the gum out of me ears?"

Kelly was standing in front of Cohan's Tavern when he saw a driverless car rolling slowly down the street. He ran to the car, jumped in, and pulled on the emergency brake with a jerk.
Kelly got out and very proudly said to the man approaching him, "I stopped it!"
"I know, you idiot!" said the man. "I was pushing it!"

#joke

Blonde - Freezer

Q: What do you call a blonde in a freezer?

A: A "frosted

flake"

Bret Ernst: Old School Baseball

Im a little upset with the athletes today. People holding out, baseball players using steroids -- what the hell is that? Using steroids, man, that aint nothing like the old school. Remember the old school guys? These guys were men. Babe Ruth hit over 700 home runs after, like, banging hookers all night.

How do you tell a kebab to be ...

How do you tell a kebab to be quiet?
Shh, kebab

There was a beautiful young bl...

There was a beautiful young blonde at a soda machine in Vegas, and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst.
She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a short while, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke. She placed it on a counter next to the machine.
Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.
She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. She placed them both on the counter next to the Diet Coke.
As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man, who'd been waiting patiently for several minutes by then, spoke up. "Excuse me, miss, but are you done yet?"
She looked at him and indignantly asked, "Well Duh! Can't you see I'm still winning?"

This guy in a bar notices a wo...

This guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
"No thank you," she said politely." "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.
"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it makes my husband pretty upset."

A Puzzle for Darwin

On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.

The four stages of life....

1. You believe in Santa Claus

2. You don't believe in Santa Claus

3. You are Santa Claus

4. You look like Santa Claus

A Kiwi was hoping to immigrate...

A Kiwi was hoping to immigrate to Australia.
Upon arriving in Australia, he was questioned by a customs officer,
"What is your business in Australia?"
"I wish to immigrate," was the Kiwi's reply.
The customs officer then asked,
"Do you have a conviction record?"
Confused, the Kiwi then replied,
"I didn't think you still needed one."

Poor kids

Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool.

When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other and said: "Did you notice the small dongs on the rich kids?"

The other answered: "Yeah! It's probably because they have toys to play with!"

Deep Thought: Ambition is a po...

Deep Thought: Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.

I married Mr Right. . .
I married Mr Right. . .