Jokes of the day for Monday, 24 May 2010

Never date a downhill skier. Y...

Never date a downhill skier. You'll end up with slopey seconds.

The Yiddish Parrot

Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home one day. He was wishing something wonderful would happen to his life when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish: "Quawwwwk...vus macht du...!"
Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn't believe it! Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?"
In a matter of moments, Meyer purchased the bird and carried the parrot home. All night long he talked with the parrot...in Yiddish. The parrot listened while sharing some walnuts.
The next morning, Meyer began saying his prayers. The parrot wanted to pray, too. Meyer hand made a miniature yamulke for the parrot. The parrot also wanted to read Hebrew, so Meyer spent months teaching him the Torah.

On Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose, got dressed, and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that a synagogue was not a place for a bird, but the parrot pleaded and was carried to the synagogue on Meyer's shoulder.
Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the rabbi. At first, the rabbi refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but Meyer convinced him that the parrot could pray. Wagers were made on whether the parrot could speak Yiddish or not.
All eyes were on the two of them during services. The parrot was still perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed...but the parrot didn’t say a word. Annoyed, Meyer said "Pray, parrot! You can pray...do it now while everybody's looking at you!" The parrot said nothing.
After services were over, Meyer realized he owed the synagogue over four thousand dollars. He marched home, saying nothing. Finally, several blocks from the temple, the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song.
Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird...you cost me over four thousand dollars today. Why? After I taught you the morning prayers, taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And, after you begged me to bring you to a synagogue on Rosh Hashanah...Why did you do this to me?"
"Don't be an idiot," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds we'll get on Yom Kippur!"

Things you'll find Only i...

Things you'll find Only in America...

Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Obituary

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit. editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, Well then, let it read "Fred Brown died."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a 7 word minimum for all obituaries. Only a little flustered, she thinks thing over and in a few seconds says, In that case, let it read, "Fred Brown died: 1983 Pickup for sale."

Kiddie pool

The judge in the Michael Jackson child molestation trial selected 250 candidates for the jury pool, which Jackson himself has selected 20 for the kiddie pool.

A man is being interviewed for...

A man is being interviewed for a job. “What are your qualifications for the job of night watchman?” “The slightest noise wakes me up.”

Patton Oswalt: Moving America Forward

We need conservatives that can accept gays, and then we need hippies that can shave and bathe.

You Might Be A Redneck If 63

You might be a reneck if...
You just bought your family their lst Atari game system.
You and your wife celebrate your anniversay at the K-mart cafeteria.
You think the only tools "real men" need are duck tape and caulk, and you have sucessful repair projects to prove it.
You've tried to quote Jeff Foxworthy and screwed it up.
You name your car the General Lee.
You see a sign that says "bridge out" and you try to jump it.
You go to your local pet shop for a cat scan.
Warp drive describes the condition of your car.
Your smoke detector doubles as your dinner bell.
You go to the dentist for a "Tooth Cleaning".

A bloke went to his mate's fan...

A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a naked girl on his back.

Why was the Blonde fired from ...

Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's!

A Texan farmer goes to Austral...

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an
Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat
field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least
twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his
herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that
are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a
herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks,
"And what are those"?
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look,
"Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

A Texan farmer goes to Austral...

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.
There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

A man was walking along a Cali...

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, and rubbed it, and out popped a genie.

The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from this lamp, blah blah blah, yada, yada, yada. I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about the first two. You only get one wish!"

The man sat down, and thought about it for a long while, and then said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very sea sick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed, and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish!!"

The man said OK, and tried to think of a really good wish.

Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives have always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, my wish is that I could understand women...know how they feel inside, and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment or walk away...know why they're crying...know what they really want when they say nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie replied and said, "Sir, do you want that bridge to Hawaii with two lanes or four"???!!

The preacher buys a parrot

A preacher is buying a parrot.

"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.

"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.

"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."

"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"

"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.

Bottle Of Wine

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, 'Good trade.'

Japanese Pizza

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip. He hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if theres any place where he can get a pizza.
The concierge tells him he will call for delivery to his room and takes his order.
Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up. The businessman takes the pizza and starts sneezing uncontrollably.
He asks the delivery man, What the heck did you put on this pizza?
The delivery man bows deeply and says, Just what you ordered -- pepper only.