Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 20 July 2010
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 20 July 2010 |
Odd Rabbi Out
"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a VERY big sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."
Teacher: What are the three mo...
Teacher: What are the three most commonly used words of students? Student: I don't know ... Teacher: Correct!A man appears before a judge o...
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviewed some papers and then said, 'please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.''Because,' the man said, 'I live in a two-story house.'
The Judge replies, 'what kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?'
The man answers, 'Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.''
Mexican bandit
The American tourist got the shock of his life when a Mexicanwith a 6 shooter jumped out from behind a cactus.
"Take my money, my car but don't kill me", said the tourist.
"I no kill you if you do what I say," said the Mexican.
"Just unzip your pants and start masturbating," he ordered.
Although shocked, the tourist did what he was told. "Right, now
do it again" said the Mexican.
The Yank protested but with the gun against his nose, he managed
again.
"And yet again, Gringo, or I shoot you dead."
With sweat running down his brow, the yank managed a final effort
and fell exhausted.
"Good" said the Mexican, "now you give my sister a ride to the
next village."
Siblings
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”
Home for the Holidays
Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened."I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up.""But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?""It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain.""But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?""No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow.""Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there.""Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow."Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there." Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but we are going to have to come up with a new idea to get them here for Rosh Hashanah." Russian Military Strategy
The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (the equivalent of a 4-star general in the U.S.) gave a lecture on Potential Problems and Military Strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions.
An officer stood up and asked, 'Will there be a third world war? And will Russia take part in it?”
The general answered both questions in the affirmative.
Another officer asked, 'Who will be the enemy?”
The general replied, 'All indications point to China.”
Everyone in the audience was shocked. A third officer remarked, 'General, we are a nation of only 150 million, compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive?”
The general answered, 'Just think about this for a moment: In modern warfare, it is not the number of soldiers that matters but the quality of an army's capabilities. For example, in the Middle East, we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious.”
After a small pause, an officer from the back of the auditorium asked, 'Do we have enough Jews?
Big Thanks to Joseph Pontarelli for sharing
What's the difference between ...
What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup? - You can chop beef, but you can't pea soup!
A Jewish Mother After Hanukkah
A man received two sweaters for Hanukkah from his mother. The next time he visited her, he made sure to wear one of the two sweaters. As he entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?" 
Pick-up line
A man sees a gorgeous and sexy woman standing alone at a bar. After tossing back a couple of shots he gets the nerve to approach her and says: "Hi, I was going to tell you a joke about my penis, but it's too long."
The woman looks at him for a moment and replies: "What a coincidence. I was going to tell you a joke about my ass, but you'll never get it."
God, Adam, Eve, a Dog and a Cat
Adam and Eve said, 'Lord when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'
And God said, 'I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you so that you will love me even when you cannot see me.'
Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable, you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal and God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'
And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'
And God said, 'I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the Supreme Beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And the Cat didn't give a sh*t one way or the other.......
14 new blonde jokes
1.Two blondes walk into a bar…
You would have thought one of them would have seen it.
2. Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?
She was desperately trying to make up her mind.
3. Why was the blonde's belly button sore?
Her boyfriend was blonde too.
4. Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
She burnt her lips on the exhaust pipe.
5. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin out and throw it back!
6. What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run like hell; she's got a grenade in her teeth!
7. Blonde: "Do you have any children?"
Colleague: "Yes, I have one that's just under two."
Blonde: "I might be blonde, but I know how to count."
8. Why did the blonde get fired from her job packaging M&Ms?
She kept throwing out all the ‘Ws'.
9. I found my blonde girlfriend painting the spare bedroom, wearing my coat and hers.
She was sweating buckets.
When I asked her why, she said it was because the can said "best results with two coats"!
10. What's blonde and dead in a closet?
The hide-and-seek champion from 1995.
11. What do you give a blonde who has everything?
Penicillin.
12. Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"
Brunette: "I don't know."
Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"
13. Friend: Have you met my identical twin sister yet?
Blonde: No, what does she look like?
14. Why can't you tell a blonde a knock-knock joke?
Because they keep getting up to answer the door.
