Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 04 August 2010

A real bargain #jokes #humor

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty, and many people donated to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty more of them."

The young son of a family of t...

The young son of a family of three balloons was sufficiently small for him to sleep with his parents in their bed. The time came when he became too big to fit in the bed and his father told him to sleep in another bedroom. During the night the son was afraid and went back to his parents but could not fit. He undid the knot in his father balloon to make him smaller and thus create some space and then re-knotted it. This did not work and he did the same to the mother balloon, still no joy, so he did the same to himself and eventually managed to snuggle in. The next day the father saw his son and very angry he said, “Son you’ve let me down, your mother down and worst of all you've let yourself down.”

Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.. The waiter came and took their drink order.
'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.
'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner
'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy..
'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.
'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.
'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'
But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'
The third piggy says -
'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

The maids revenge

Just after the maid had been fired. She took five bucks from her purse, she threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked why by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!

You might be a redneck if 28

You might be a redneck if...

Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.

You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.

You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.

Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.

Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.

You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.

You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.

You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.

Mike Birbiglia: Heard About It

Technologys moving so fast, man. Its to the point where you can make stuff up, and people will believe you. You can be like, You seen the new Sony Teleporter? People will be like, No, but I heard about it. I end up saying that all the time -- No, but I heard about it. It means I havent heard about it, but I like you.

Make Life Simpler Tips

Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler

1. Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
   
2. Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
   
3. Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
   
4. Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
   
5. No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
   
6. Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).
   
7. If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
   
8. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
   

A chicken and an egg are lying...

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.
The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"

Three Eggs and $100

An elderly pastor was searching his closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing three eggs and 100 $1 bills.
He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 30 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "Why?" The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.
The pastor felt that three poor sermons in 30 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for.
She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for $1."

An airline captain was helping...

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?"
She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

I was out walking with my 4 ye...

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.

Pet names....

There once was a man who was so proud of the fact that he had six kids that he insisted on calling his wife "mother of six."

His wife hated this name and asked him repeatedly not to call her that, but he was a stubborn man and was very proud that he had six kids.

One evening they were at a dinner party for his company and it was getting close to the time that they should be leaving. The husband yelled from across the room over to his wife, "mother of six, are you ready to go?"

Annoyed with his question, she responded, "In a minute, Father of four."

Three guys go in for a job int...

Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office. The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says, "What's the first thing you see when you look at me?"

The guy says, "That's not too hard, you've got no ears."

The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll never be seen around here again."

The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant replies, "Uh, you've got no ears." The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he'll never get a job with his company. As he is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, "Listen man, whatever you do, don't say he hasn't got any ears. He's so touchy with the ear thing."

"Okay," said man #3 on his way into the office.

Once inside he is told, "Name the first thing you notice when you look at me."

The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear contacts."

The interviewer was flabbergasted, "How on earth did you know that, son?"

"What? Are you stupid? You can't wear glasses, you've got no ears!"

A Beautiful Thing

My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did, Mrs. Riley's tit," Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight."

Just before the funeral servic...

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it

Q. Why were the teacher's eyes...

Q. Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?

A. She couldn't control her pupils!