Jokes of the day for Thursday, 02 September 2010
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 02 September 2010 |
The Elderly Italian
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession."Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
A couple is in bed sleeping wh...
A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning.” I’m not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three and I was in bed," says the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife.” He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere,
He shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."
Bill was 26 over par by the ei...
Bill was 26 over par by the eighth hole; he had landed a fleet of golf balls in the water hazard, and dug himself into a trench fighting his way out of the rough. When his caddy coughed during a 12-inch putt, Bill exploded."You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed.
"I doubt it," replied the caddy. "That would be too much of a coincidence."
Send in help...
A guy calls the hospital and a nurse answers the phone.
The guy said, "Send in help because my wife is going into labor."
The nurse said, "Is this her first child?"
The guy replied, "No, this is her husband."
The Technical Geek Test
Are you a tehcnical geek?
Do you have a problem with overdoing your technical activities? Many do. Take the following test to see if you are compulsive. If you can relate to 2 of the items, you may have a problem with Techno-Dweeb. If you relate to 3 or more, you are definitely a Techno-Dweeb. Do not despair! There is help! You are not alone! Whenever you feel the urge to code in Assembler, call the number in the white pages of your phone book, and we will send somebody right over to cut out paper dolls with you until the feeling passes.
You know you are a tehcnical geek when . . .
When your friend tells you all about his Cressida V6 and you reply "Yeah, I had V5, and it was full of bugs!"
When driving you see a license plate with the letters DSR, and you feel compelled to touch your bumper to the other car to see if you can raise CD.
When you are counting objects "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
When you lay down in the afternoon for a short rest, end up sleeping 4 hours, and call it a "mega-nap".
When your friend is going to Essex for vacation and you tell her, "You really should go for the DX, it has the built in co-processor."
When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When you convince yourself that Tetris really does improve eye-hand coordination.
When the radio traffic reporter talks about a backup caused by a crash, and you correct her that a backup is good protection in case of a crash.
When floppy drive applies more to your love life, and hard drive to your machines.
When you call "*.*" star-dot-star.
When you can do hexadecimal arithmatic in your head.
When your wife goes to the market for some macintosh apples, and you correct her, "No, dear, it's 'Apple Macintosh'."
When your wife says "If you don't turn off that stupid machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.
A Roll Of The Dice
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a gorgeous blonde lady wearing a huge fur coat walked in and asked if she could bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The dealers said yes and were happy to oblige.
She then said, "I hope you don't mind, but I'll feel much luckier if I take off my coat." With that, she took off her coat and was wearing a skin-tight Wonder-woman outfit!
The men looked her up and down as she leaned over the table, rolled the dice, and yelled, "Come on baby, come on!"
She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling "YES, I WIN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!" With that, she picked up her winnings and quickly left.
The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other, "What the heck did she roll anyway?"
The second dealer answered, "I don't know. I thought you were paying attention!"
Victor Varnado: Bathroom Adventure
I actually recently had this bathroom adventure. I went to this urinal to, you know, urinalate, and this guy comes to the urinal, like, right next to me. You girls probably dont know this, but if a guy comes to the urinal right next to you, and theres, like, plenty of other urinals to go to, you always glance over to make sure hes not looking at your stuff, right? Cause its yours. But the weird thing was that he glanced over and I glanced over at the same time, so we met eyes. I know -- that was weird. So, I kissed him.St. George and the Dragon
A tramp knocked on the door of the inn known as St. George and the Dragon. The landlady answered the door.
The tramp said, “Could you give a poor man something to eat?”
"No,” said the woman, slamming the door in his face.
He knocked again and said, “Could I have a few words with George?”
Free beer
Two Aussies a...
Free beerTwo Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears. This genie tells them that he only grants one wish.
Without giving much thought to the matter, the lamp finder blurts out, "Turn the entire ocean into VB!"
The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.
The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going mate! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
Turbulent Times
A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night. A little old lady turned to a minister who was sitting behind her and said, "You're a man of God. Can't you do something about this?"
He replied, "Sorry, I can't. I'm in sales, not management."
A Canadian preacher was preocc...
A Canadian preacher was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.The substitute wanted to know what to play.
‘Here's a copy of the service,' he said impatiently. ‘But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.' During the service, the minister paused and said, ‘Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.'
At that moment, the substitute organist played, *'O Canada.'
*And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
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*Give me a sense of humour, Lord,
* *Give me the grace to see a joke,
* *To get some humour out of life,
* *And pass it on to other folk!*
Humor About Senior Citizens
OLD KIDS never die, they just grow up
OLD KNIGHTS IN CHAIN MAIL never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils
OLD LASER PHYSICISTS never die, they just become incoherent
OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their appeal
OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their briefs
OLD LIBRARIANS never die, their computers have Fatal Errors
OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just check out
OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just get re-shelved
OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just lose their references
OLD LIGHT BULBS never die, they just blink out
OLD LIMBO DANCERS never die, they just go under
OLD LINGUISTS never die, they just rearrange their deep structures
OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just disappear
OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just float away
OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just make a big production of it
What is Hell?
One day... What is Hell?
One day a man arrives at the gates of hell. Of course the poor soul gets to meet mister Devil himself. Having had a life full of sin, he gets the choice of spending eternity in either one of three rooms.
The Devil leads him to the first room. As the door opens the man sees a freezing cold chamber. A group of people stands shivering in the middle of the room, desperately trying to deny that the temperature is way below zero. Let's go to the next room, the man says, "I like eternity to be a little warmer."
The Devil takes him to the next room. In there everything is burning. Even standing outside the man feels the steaming heat. "Naaaah", he says," I don't want eternity to be that hot, let's go to the last room, Mr. Diabolo!."
The third room looks a lot more interesting. Standing in dog poop to their knees a group of peopl are drinking coffee. "Now that's nice", the man exclaims," Eternity should be nice drinking coffee. I think I'll get used to the stink. So Mr. Devil, I'd like to stay here for the next three million years!." As said, it is done. The devil leaves with his well-known sardonic smile and the man drinks coffee standing in the shit. "Not too bad", he thinks. But after a while a buzzer begins to buzz. A voice speaks through a speaker: Coffee-break is over. Go stand on your head again !
