Jokes of the day for Saturday, 04 September 2010

With Danielle, then Earl, and ...

With Danielle, then Earl, and then Fiona, we see that storms are named according to letters of the alphabet, with alternating genders. They should call them his and hurricanes.

Through the pitch-black night,...

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.”
The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.”
Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”
“I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.”
Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”
There is one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”

Glass Eye

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies...
... "You just happened to catch my eye

Cowboy without a horse...

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HORSE?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.

"ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHER BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go...what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

Try To Explain Yourself

While driving down the road the motorist saw a roadside stand which had a fortune teller sitting under an umbrella. She was just sitting there smiling and laughing. The motorist passed on by and went a couple of miles on down the road. All of a sudden he spun his car around and sped back toward the fortune teller. As he got closer to the still laughing fortune teller he began to slow down. He pulled up next to the woman and jumped out of his car and suddenly began slapping and beating her.
A policeman passing by screeched to a stop and wrestled the man to the ground. After cuffing the man he stood him up and asked him, "What do you think you're doing?"
After a moment the man replied, ... "Well, I've always wanted to strike a happy medium."

What is Matzo

A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.

Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.

The blind man ran his fingers over the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this?!"

Maria Bamford: Incoming Calls

My supervisor -- lets call him Greenbean -- said that there were certain bigwigs who you should never put on hold, certain VIPs who you should never put on hold, and I could never remember who those people were. So, I put everyone on hold and I conferenced them, and I let them sort it out amongst themselves.

One Last Confession

While a man was dying, his wife was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying woke him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "I have something that I must confess," he said in a tired voice.
"There isn't anything to confess," replied his weeping wife. "Everything's ok. Go to sleep."
The man blurted out: "No, no, I must die in peace. I...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," whispered his wife, "that's why I poisoned you."

A male pastor walked into a ne...

A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom.

The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor.

As the room quieted down he walked up to the redhead bartender, and asked her,

"May I please use the restroom?"

The redhead replied, "I really don't think you should."

"Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use a restroom!"

"Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"

"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way!"

So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom.

After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again!

He went to the bartender and said, "Miss, I, don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again."

"Well, now you're one of us!" said the redhead. "Would you like a drink too?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.

"You see," laughed the redhead, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?"

A man walked into a bar, s...

A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks.

Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?"

The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor."

The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar.

Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three.

The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."

Two elderly gentlemen from a r...

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a
bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Jack,
I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.
I know you're about my age. How do you feel?

A nun and a huge man were stan...

A nun and a huge man were standing in an elevator. Being the nice person that she was, she looked over at him, smiled, and said "T.G.I.F." He looked back at her and said "S.H.I.T." The nun was shocked. She turned to the man and said "There was no need to be rude, all I said was "Thank God It's Friday." The man looked back at her and said, "Well you must have misunderstood me because all I said was Sorry Honey, it's Thursday."

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"If you were made in God's image, how did you get to be so ugly?"

there was this hooker named Ju...

there was this hooker named Judi who mistook a Salvation Army man for a soldier and propositioned him.

The Salvation Army gent said, "Ma'am, you may be forgiven, as a pitiable victim of circumstances. Tell me, are you familiar with the concept of 'original sin'?"

Judi replied, "Well, maybe and maybe not. But if it's *really* original, it'll cost you an extra $20."

Religious Bumper Stickers
...

Religious Bumper Stickers

Jesus Saves, Gretzky Scores!

Jesus is coming, look busy!

If God is your copilot, better change seats!

I believe in the big bang theory, God spoke and bang it happened.

If God created man in His image. Then what's wrong with you?

If you're living like there is no God, you'd better be right.

I get along with God just fine. It's his followers that I can't stand.

I am sorry, all of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

Heaven is a lonely place. Everybody thinks they're the only one going!

Caution: Non Exposure to the Son will cause burning!

Hell... Don't even go there

Welcome to eternity... will that be smoking or non smoking?

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in school.

The problem with religious texts is that the answers aren't in the back, either.

Militant Agnostic - I don't know and you don't either!

O Lord, Save Me From Your followers.

Wanna come for a drive? It'll scare the hell out of you!

Don't drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about?"